“Author’s notes- I am not sure about this section but there will be time to include/exclude it later”
Sat down at the computer and opened up my email to see what Harold had to say about my draft and turned on iTunes. Clicked on the shuffle and listened to the opening riffs of Sanctuary by the Cult. Haven’t heard this in years but can’t help being caught up in the lyrics:
“The fire in your eyes
Keeps me alive
And the fire in your eyes
Keeps me alive
I’m sure in her you’ll find
I’m sure in her you’ll find
A wry smile passes across my face because it reminds me yet again of Ann. It wasn’t one of our songs. She doesn’t like most music from the 80s but those lyrics fit us. They remind me of the intensity and the warmth. It reminds me of the days when we would lie in be and listen to each other breathe and feel an indescribable calm. But that was then and this is now so I shrug and go back to my reading.
I am midway down the page when my reading is interrupted again by John Denver singing Perhaps Love. I can’t say that I was a big fan of his but Ann was and she is the reason this song exists in my library. The opening catches my attention
“Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home”
A superstitious man might wonder if the universe was speaking to him. These words tell a story that is familiar to me in so many ways. I am doing my best not to interpret it or give any credence to it but I admit that my attention is wandering from the page to the music. I wonder what is coming on next. If I hear All I Ask of You from Phantom of The Opera come on I might jump out of my chair because that was one of those songs that we listened to.
“Then say you’ll share with
love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you
from your solitude . . .
Say you need me
here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too –
that’s all I ask
of you . .”
My eyes are closed and I am lost in thought. There is a parade of memories inside my mind and I am doing my best to push them down and stuff them back into their cage. I tell myself that this is nothing more than coincidence and explain it away as coming to light because I have been thinking about it. Really, there is no other logical explanation and that is that.
Seconds later my ears are filled with Mottel the tailor singing Miracle of Miracles and I almost fall out of my chair.
“But of all God’s miracles large and small,
The most miraculous one of all
Is the one I thought could never be:
God has given you to me.”
We sang that song to each other and repeated the words at least twice. It was a joke that wasn’t really a joke because she was my miracle and I was hers.
“Ok universe, if this is how you want to play- I am game. Give me three more songs and let’s see what you have got.”
I flip tabs and hit the shuffle button again. “Legs” by ZZ Top comes on and I smile. Boy did she ever have great legs, but that is not enough for me. “C’mon universe, that is a gimme. That is far too easy and too general. Give me another.”
I’ll be damned if the next song that comes over the speakers isn’t Bob Marley singing “No woman, no Cry.”
“Ok universe, that is funny and I agree with you, but I need more. Show me something. Give me a sign.”
Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata is playing and now I am perturbed. It is sort of an odd thing to be perturbed by this song because normally I listen to it because it relaxes me. When I am faced with tough decisions or am feeling stressed I put it on and use it as a way to quiet the noise inside my head.
“Yo, universe what happened to giving me straight answers. I am direct. Can’t you give me a sign that makes sense.”
I click shuffle three more times and hear the theme to “Cheers,” “Cherry, Cherry” by Neil Diamond and “Penny Lane” by The Beatles. My head is swimming and hell if I know whether there are more messages here. I am tempted to Google the lyrics and see what I find but the lack of straight answers makes me cranky.
This is all silly. In Yiddish we would call it Narishkeit, or nonsense and I don’t want nonsense. I have had plenty of complications and I want something simple. So I shrug my shoulders and speak again, “listen universe please give me something that makes more sense. I am going to click shuffle one last time.” One more click and I hear Miguel Bose and Laura Pausini sing Te Amare and smack myself in the head.
We never listened to that together. It is not something that I would have associated with her but those lyrics fit here in so many different ways. They lose something in the translation, but still I find myself repeating two different sections
“In secret and in silence, I will love you
risking the forbidden, I will love you
In falseness and in truthfullness, with an open heart
because you are not perfect, I will love you”
“at the fall of each night I shall wait
that you be the full moon and I shall love you
And even though there are few traces left
as a sign of what once was
you shall still be near, and from the depths I shall love you
I shall love you, I shall love you by force of memories
I shall love you, I shall love you until the last moment
Despite everything, forver I shall love you”
“Ok universe, color me thoroughly frustrated and confused. I don’t know what this means or if it means anything. For all I know I am just talking to empty space”
Shrugging my shoulders again I let out a deep sigh. The reality is that I don’t have to make any decisions or take any action right now. I don’t have to do anything but focus on work and the truth is that these questions I am asking right now fit the story. These thoughts and feelings are…