Dear Ann With No ‘E’

Dear Ann with No ‘E’,

It is your long lost friend, lover, husband, soul mate or whatever I am or were writing you again. You may not know that I have written you a thousand letters that I have never sent or that I called you a million times but never left a message.

I am writing you this note because I am not sure what to do.  You see I find myself in the most peculiar situation and I lack perspective which is why I am unsure about what to do.

It seems that I have been carrying a torch for a woman who isn’t officially in my life but hasn’t ever totally checked out. She was my best friend and my lover. She was the moon among the stars in my sky and I miss her.

It feels strange and surreal to me to think about how much I miss her because there are moments where I feel like she is standing next to me and then she isn’t. I don’t know if that makes sense to you but I don’t know else to describe it. Even though years have passed when these moments hit me I feel like I have been traveling through time and I am back in that place again.

Back in that place where I look at my reflection and wonder why the guy looking back at me was stupid enough to let her go. I look at him and ask him to account for his actions but he never does.

The thing is that there are lots of moments where I don’t feel that ache or have that feeling that my heart has decided to take a vacation without the rest of our body. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense to me.

So I take a deep breath and make my list of reasons why things are as they are. I make a list of all of her faults and think of her flaws but it never truly changes things. At best it allows me to regain my perspective and remember who I am and what I need to do.

But time passes and I end back up where I was and so I ask the questions that need to be asked. I look at guy in the mirror and ask him if there is any profit in chasing ghosts or if he has ever considered that maybe he is the reason why he feels as he does. Maybe it is all in his head and it is up to him to cut that cord and pour water on the flames.

It sounds like the logical thing to do. It sounds like the practical thing to do. But that jackass in the mirror reminds me that life is short. He says that when you find someone who makes your heart dance you do what you can to hold on. He says that he believes the new age people might be onto something and that there is some sort of ethereal or spiritual connection between her and I.

I don’t know what to make out of that. My heart tells me that he is right. My heart says that there is proof that you still have your own set of embers burning too. My heart says that we can prove this theorem in a simple way and that all I need to do is kiss you again.

Dumbass heart doesn’t seem to be worried or concerned about our not having seen each other in years. Dumbass heart seems to have all the judgment of a drunk penis. That is probably not true or fair, but a man has to protect himself. A man has to consider what he is willing to do and maybe that last remark is his fear talking.

So Ann with no ‘E’ I ask you what you would do if you found out that your Daniel was calling out to you. What would you do if he said that he remembered the promises that were made on both sides.

My guess is that you would deny having any sort of feelings. My guess is that you would protect yourself too. My guess is that the girl who once told me she never says “I love you” first would be very careful about it all.

Hard to say for certain, I lack perspective. That lack of perspective makes me want to harden my heart and turn my face away. It makes me want to walk but that dumbass heart won’t have it. It insists that I go the distance. It insists that I fight to find out what the real answers are. It insists that only a fool would walk and that I am better off taking a chance.

It sort of fits. I have always said that I would rather fail and fall on my face. Better to try than not at all.

I might be a lot of things but I am not a coward. I won’t live a life of fear and denial.

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