Dear Woman of my dreams,
I told you decades ago that I was a storm walker and that for better or for worse I danced in the rain and dodged bolts of lightning. You know this and you know that what could have been simple became far more complicated than it should.
These aren’t things that are new to you or to I.
So let me set a few things down in print where I know you will read them twice. I am sorry. I apologize for all that I ever did that was wrong. I apologize for missed opportunities for the children we won’t have together and the sweet moments that accompany them.
I apologize to you for all that I ever did that hurt your heart. I apologize for making you cry and for wounding you in ways that no other could or did. I am sorry.
I have paid for my mistakes. I have taken the beating and continued to dance in the fire. You know that I am not exaggerating when I say that for far too long I have lived alone and apart. There is a giant hole that has never been filled and I ache.
You know that I will continue to take that beating not just because I can but because I know that it is part of the journey. You know that when I accepted my role as Storm Walker I entered the fraternity of those who have lived, loved and lost.
My tears have been shed in silence and my pain has been obvious yet hidden to most. That ring of fire burns, burns, burns.
But I also see things.I know things. I have seen what lies behind your eyes. I know what you hide and I have forever cherished the gift you granted when you gave me your heart.
You have been all that a woman can be to a man and yet you have been more. I have told you that you were the best thing to ever happen to me and the worst. But even during the hardest moments I have remembered the smile in your eyes and the soft touch of your soul.
I tried to stop loving you. Tried to just let go. Made my lists of reasons why and promises- yet here I am.
Here I am the would be hero and the sometime fool. Here I am all that I was and less than I am. I stand here defiant, unbent and unbroken.
I would write that song and sing it to you.
We can focus upon all that we lost and all that we could have had. It is easy to do that but I don’t take the path that others walked. I don’t yield to convention and yet I accept that force of will isn’t enough- not mine alone.
If you join your voice to mine we could sing a song that would make the angels weep. We could be all that we were and then some. There is more depth and more soul. I didn’t think it was possible to find that but that is just what my heart says.
So here I am dancing in the fire. If need be I will swim across the burning rivers and sashay across the plains.
That is what storm walkers do. It is part of who we are and how we are made. But the truth is that you made it all better. You made me better.
Now what are we going to do about it.