Monthly Archives: May 2012

It Was Logical

Almost a decade has passed since the two heroes of our story first met. They met as friends, became lovers and then somewhere in the crazy chaos of life they got lost and their love affair ended.

At least they thought it had ended.

The end brought much stress and more than a little pain with each wondering how the other could have screwed things up so badly. In their efforts to protect their own hearts and take care of the other they managed to hurt each other…again.

It really wasn’t intentional. Neither one of them truly wanted to make the other feel anything but joy but sometimes this is how these things go. And with the advent of anger it made it much easier to say goodbye.

Made it easier to come up with lists of reasons why they couldn’t and shouldn’t be.

Jack was always slower to make big changes than Ann. In a way it was kind of funny because she was far more of a planner than he. It didn’t bother him to walk upon the razor’s edge the way that it bothered her, at least not in most things.

She was much more easy going about where to live and things of that nature because she always knew she would bloom wherever she was planted.

One night some years ago Ann made a crack about him being an old man and he responded by telling her that he would show how old he was by wearing her out. I suppose that in some respects you could consider that to be a sort of silly and immature reply.

But you have to remember that men have sex to feel close and women have to feel close to have sex.

Anyway, she smile and told him that he was welcome to try and so he did. Somewhere in the middle when her legs were over his shoulders she told him that women are made to give birth and that she wouldn’t break.

She didn’t say it to taunt or tease him. It was verbal permission to let go. It was her way of saying that she was giving herself to him and he understood it as such. It sounds like a silly cliche but that was when things really did move to a new level.

It was also when Jack realized that he hadn’t been imagining things. They understood each other in a way that he had never experienced. He saw her opening up like that as being among the sweetest and most loving things she had ever done. She wasn’t giving just her body away, she was giving herself.

And that gift was in many ways what he missed more than anything.  That connection. He missed not knowing where he ended and she started.

Ann did too but she would never admit it. She was a woman who knew how to keep her secrets close to her heart where they were safe. She had told Jack that no one else had thrown her like he did. When he teased her and said that he had tamed her she had smiled and nodded her head. She liked it, wouldn’t say it out loud but she liked it.

She liked it because she was the rock that everyone else relied upon. She had long been the caretaker and there was more than a little relief in knowing that she could let her guard down and know that Jack was always there to catch her.

He was in many ways the biggest surprise of her life and certainly one of the greatest challenges. When she decided that it was time to end things she pushed him extra hard. She wasn’t entirely sure that she could live without him and it bothered her. It bothered her because in the past when she was done, she was done. She could look back at a relationship and smile but she didn’t have the need to get back together and break up a million times like so many of her friends did.

Jack never realized how hard it was for her to tell him to go. She did a good job of masking her feelings and when he didn’t catch her weakness she took it as a sign that maybe he didn’t know her as we all as she had thought he did. It was added to her list of reasons why they shouldn’t be together.

He didn’t catch it because he was in shock. He truly believed that they would never split and when he realized she was serious he was dumbfounded.

And yet all those years later he surprised her again by grabbing her hips from behind. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that she was surprised by the tingly sensation she felt when he grabbed her. If he had let go and made some sort of teasing comment she would have gone with it and pretended that it was a silly joke that two people who once knew each other sometimes do.

Except he hadn’t. She couldn’t tell you exactly how she ended up facing him or when she ended up on the bed. All she could say is that once it started time moved backwards and they both knew that something special was happening again.

When she asked him what made him decide to take a chance he simply smiled and said “I never bought what you were selling. I always knew that if we had our moment this would happen.”

“Honey, you took a real chance. I could have said no. I could have screamed. I could have done a million different things. What made you think you could do this and not get rejected.”

“Baby, I still know things. I know that you think your decisions are well thought out and based upon rational thought but not all of them are. No one really does that. I just knew that if we could get to this place it would work. It was logical.”

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Audio Post

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I Am Not The Only One

Editor’s Note: This comes from some notes I had scratched down on a pad of paper. Not sure if I will work it in or not, but I figure I might as well include it here in case I choose to do so.
We got about ten feet before I pulled Ann into my arms and buried my face in her neck. I ran my hands up and down her back and then wrapped my fingers in her hair.

She kissed me hard and we dragged each other back into the room. No words were spoken because none were necessary.

+++++

“You are thinking hard about something. I know that look”

I looked at her and smiled.

“That is far too serious a look for a guy who has had as much fun as you have had today.”

I smiled again but said nothing. I just stood up and moved to the window and looked out.

“sweetheart, talk to me. I am here.”

I wanted to say something, but something about the moment had gotten to me. I was choked up and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. It was disconcerting and I really wasn’t sure why I was feeling like that. I wanted to say something but I wasn’t ready to just let it all out. I had spent too much time trying to forget about her and when I couldn’t do that I just closed off that part of me.

But I suppose that all that had happened had forced open the doors I had closed and the wall that had been there was ready to tumble down. That damn woman always had a way to send me for a loop like no one else had. I liked it, but I wasn’t about to admit it. I wanted this moment, but I wanted to slow things down.

I wanted to not feel so damn foolish.

“Do you remember when we kissed goodbye and I walked away from you. I just relived it again. It all came back and it surprised me, caught me off guard.”

She nodded her head and I saw her remembering the moment and then I saw something else flash in her eyes. There was a storm brewing there.

“Baby, today has been everything I expected it to be. It was everything I remembered and then some.” I made a point to elaborate just a little bit and she blushed.

“You thought that I was kidding when I told you that you would never have a better lover. ”

She rolled her eyes at me, “why do men always think that they are the best lover a woman has ever had.”

“I know better than to say that. I learned a long time ago that women are really good at making men think we are great, even when you think we are terrible. But in this case I am confident.”

“Ok smart guy, what makes you so confident? What makes you different?”

“That is simple. I know things.”

She rolled her eyes at me again. “What the hell does that mean. Every time you say that you have this smug look on your face. It is not your most endearing quality.”

“Baby, it is not ego when you can make it happen and today proved that I still can. I checked your heart, it was pounding. You weren’t faking.”

She blushed again and smiled.

“Ann, I know things. I just do. The same way you just know things about me, well I know them about you. I can’t explain it in terms that make complete sense. It is not scientific. It just is.”

“You may say that I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one. Come dream with me Ann. Take a chance”

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A Mix of Music

Just starting to edit things. In the interim here is a bunch of songs that are tied up and involved in this story in different ways. No particular order. Nor it is inclusive of all of the songs that played a part.

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What Comes Next

In the time that once was between the moments we had and those we have yet to create I used to look at Ann and feel like time had stopped. It would be inaccurate to say that it had never happened before because it had. Yet it had never been as consistent as it was with Ann.

I always felt that no matter how old we were she would always look like the girl I had fallen in love with. And now a good many years later I can say it is true. She still looks just like the girl I remember, but she is a woman that I no longer know. Well, that is not entirely true. I know an awful lot about her and though much time has passed I feel the connection between us the same way that I always have.

“You have that look on your face again?”

“Whatever do you mean? My dear woman, I do believe that you need to get your eyes checked. My look hasn’t changed. No plastic surgeon has touched my head. Not my nose, my ears or my chin. Correction, my nose was fixed. I broke it decades ago and had surgery on it. Lucky for me I broke it twice more so who knows what it looks like now.”

“Mister, time might have passed but I still know your little word games. You are feeling clever. A guy gets lucky and suddenly there is this attitude. How do you know that this isn’t a one time thing. Maybe I just felt horny.”

I laughed and kissed her face.

“You are testing me. I know you. You are a planner. I won’t say that you intended for this to happen but I’ll put money down that you took extra time shaving your legs this morning and that you changed your outfit twice.”

She smiled but didn’t say anything.

“See, your silence proves I am right…again.”

I tickled her, she giggled and tried to squirm away. I let her get away and then felt her move back against me. Her body fit against mine perfectly and I made a point not to get lost in memories of what was or to focus on what might be.

Just as I thought she was falling asleep I felt her wiggle a bit. “Give me time, I am old now.” She wiggled some more, pushed me onto my back and climbed on top of me.

I looked up at her and smiled. “The shades are open. Looks like someone is going to get a show.” She put a finger on my lips.

I saluted, “Yes Ma’am!”

A short time later I heard her close the bathroom door and then I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up I was a bit disoriented. I wondered if it had all been a dream. I rolled over and found an empty bed.

I sat up and looked around. The sun was beginning to set and the room was starting to grow dark. Maybe it had been a dream. I got out of bed and found my clothes piled on the chair, looked around a bit but didn’t see a note.

Wandered over to the shower, turned it on and climbed in. I wondered if Miss Manners had any advice for this sort of situation. I knew that she lived relatively close to the hotel, but I didn’t want to just show up at her house.

Could make for an interesting situation if one of her girls answered the door.

“Excuse me, I am the reason mom came home with such a big smile on her face.”

Yeah, that is exactly the kind of thing a child wants to hear about their parent. On the other hand I made a note to tell Ann that she is the sexiest mother I know. Now I just need to do it in a way that isn’t cheesy or awkward.

Still, I was a bit concerned that she had just taken off. It wasn’t like her to leave like that, or at least it wouldn’t have been. She could be different now or maybe something came up.

I finished showering and dried off. As I bent over to put on my pants the door opened and a familiar voice said, “that is not your best side, but it is cute.”

I turned around and there she was watching me.

“Did you enjoy the show?”

She nodded her head and kissed me.

“I suppose we ought to talk about what comes next.”

She didn’t give me the deer in the headlights look but I did see something flash in her eyes. I hadn’t really meant to say that. I didn’t want to apply any pressure. It just slipped out, but when you are so comfortable with someone else things like that can happen.

“Forget I just said that. Let’s talk about dinner. Can I take you out or do you need to go home?

Later on I would look back at that moment and realize that I had given up my roots. Los Angeles would always be home, but I was ready and willing to live anywhere. It was time to change things up and I was cool with that.

“The girls aren’t home tonight so I am free to whatever I want.”

I nodded my head and smiled again. We walked out of the room holding hands. Food was a priority, but I was pretty certain that by the end of the meal we would know something about what was coming next.

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I Know Things- The Meeting

There is electricity in the air, more than I have ever felt before. I put my fist in the air and start shaking it and then watch as 100,000 people in imitate me. The crowd loves me and it doesn’t matter what I do because whatever it is will be seen as cool no matter how stupid it might be.

But that doesn’t matter because that electrical charge I mentioned earlier has affected us all or should I say infected. I feel like I am floating and it is among the most amazing feelings I have ever had. This is raw energy flowing through my body.

Pure adrenaline that comes from the most natural source- the human body. For a moment I am lost in thought about how that works and how I haven’t had anything stronger than water and excitement about today.

Words fail me. They are inadequate. There is nothing that I can do to make you see what I see or to let you feel what I feel. No matter how hard I try to weave a tapestry of sight and sound it just doesn’t work.

I spend a few more minutes trying to figure out if there is some other combination of words or some song that I can use to describe it but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Just as I come close to solving the puzzle I feel a hand slide down my chest and drop just below my waist.

“Look who woke up,” I say.

Ann smiles broadly, squeezes me once and says, “yeah, look who woke up.”

This moment and the hours that preceded it are proof that life is unpredictable and that you can’t ever say never. Ok, there are some things that you can say will never happen with relative certainty. I am probably not going to play centerfield for a pro ball team or play power forward either. You can say never to those things and I may sigh and agree with you.

But you can’t say that Ann and I would never be together again because this moment and this day are proof that you are wrong. It was a long time coming and there were more than a few occasions where the two of us would have said that you are crazy to think that we would ever be anything but memories of people who once were.

Hell, until relatively recently I would have agreed with you but mostly because I got tired of missing her. I got tired of feeling like we never got our shot and I never got to find out what it would be like to be the guy she gave herself to for all time.

It wouldn’t be hard to tell you a million different stories about the reasons why this was so. Nor would it be hard to give you a different list of the reasons why it could be, but now isn’t the time for that.

No, now is the time to tell you about how a telephone call led to a meeting. We were supposed to meet for a drink and not even an alcoholic one at that. It started out in the usual way. I called to let her know that I was going to be coming to town to work on a story. Didn’t plan on being there long, just a few days for work. We went back and forth and asked the usual questions.

She told me about her girls and I told her about my kids. Spent a few minutes talking about other things that were safe and then I asked her if she would like to meet me for a drink. There was a brief hesitation and then I said that if she could slip away from work we could make it a cup of coffee. I figured that would take some of the pressure off of things.

I told her to pick a place and that I would be happy to meet her there. She asked me where I was staying and then told me that there was a little diner situated a couple miles west of it.

She told me to be there at 10 am and that she would meet me out front. I was there at 9:30.

I want to say that it was because I was cool, calm and collected. I want to say that I got there so I could grab a booth facing the front door so I could spot her walking in, but I can’t.

Ok, the booth part is accurate but the calm, cool and collected part might be exaggerated.

We hadn’t seen each other in years and I was excited, albeit a bit nervous. I didn’t look the way I used to, not that I expected to. Much time had passed and it had taken bits and pieces of the guy I was with it.

I looked good for a guy my age, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to use a term that grated upon my nerves like “good for your age” because it sounds like a backhanded compliment.

Yet there comes a time when it is not. And there comes a time when it is ok not to look like you are still twenty. I had reached both places and so had Ann.

The reason I got there so early was simple. I couldn’t sleep and I figured that it was better to be early than late. And if you know me you know that I run late all the time. It is not intentional. I just get lost in my world and lose track of time. I couldn’t let that happen this time so I made a point to be there.

Ann was always very prompt and I found out that she still was. She walked in at precisely 10 AM. Her hair was still shoulder length and just as dark as I remembered it being. She spotted me almost immediately.

I stood up and we made eye contact. For a moment we just stared and then I got lost. Don’t know if I was staring at the blue sun dress or if I noticed that her long legs were still toned. Can’t tell you if we stared the entire time or not.

What I can say is that when she reached the booth she walked right into my arms and hugged me. It was like time stood still. We stood there holding each other and said nothing.

It surprised me. I had sort of expected to do the quick hug and kiss on the cheek thing. I figured that would be how it would go and then we would sit down. Instead we hugged.

She broke away first, grabbed my bicep, squeezed it and sat down.

“Are you just going to stand there?”

I laughed and sat down. “Sorry, no one has done that in a thousand years. I had to look for the time machine.”

It was kind of a silly comment but she didn’t react. She just smiled at me.

The waitress came over, we ordered and then we started talking. Two hours later we were still talking. It really was like no time had passed. I knew better but that didn’t matter because the comfort level we had always had was still there.

“We can’t stay here forever. Let’s go do something.”

I smiled, “it is your city. What should we do?”

The plan had been to go walk around an art museum and then grab lunch but we got sidetracked at my hotel. I know, it sounds awfully convenient but it is not something that I planned and to the best of my knowledge neither had Ann.

We had gone back to the hotel to drop off my car. Parking at the museum is tough and there wasn’t a point to taking two cars.

I hadn’t planned on taking her up to my room then. Ok, that is not true, I hoped to but I never thought it would really happen.

“Ann, I want to change out of these jeans into a pair of shorts. If you hang on a moment I’ll be right down.”

“I’ll come up with you. I need to use your bathroom.”

A smarter man than I might suggest that I got manipulated into doing exactly what she wanted but I am not that guy. Not that it matters.

What matters is that she walked into the room, put down her purse, looked at my bag and said that it was clear that I still didn’t know how to fold a shirt.

“I am really good at taking them off, but the in between thing- not so much.”

It wasn’t planned. I hadn’t intended to say anything like that, but it just came out. She didn’t say anything, just looked at me.

Because I am a gentleman I can’t provide you with many details about what happened next, but if you use your imagination I am sure you can figure it out.

Remember when I told you that there was a time when I thought that this would be impossible? Well there were more than few where I was certain this would happen again. I can’t tell you why I knew or how.

All I can say is that I know things.

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There Are No Coincidences

Editor’s Notes: I had a vision in which I saw something, felt something, knew something..You felt it. You know it. I know that you do. I know that you saw. I can’t say how but I know because I just do. And if you weren’t so damn stubborn and prone to trying to prove it to yourself and to me you would let go. But you can’t because that would start something crazy, or so you think.

The problem with that line of logic is that it never really ended. You can’t start something that hasn’t ended. All you can do is Return, Resume, Rejoin and Relax. Submit and enjoy the Ride.

There are no coincidences because what you see, hear and do are part of something greater than us. It is tied into something larger that can be described as both mystical and magical.

Don’t ask me to explain this because I can’t tell you how or why. All I can say is that I know because I have experienced it. I have seen it. I have lived it. I have been there and that is all the proof that I can provide.

It won’t be enough for some of you. It won’t be the kind of thing that you can accept because you can’t buy, touch or taste it. Actually that is not true, you can but only if you open your mind and let your soul seek its match.

I know this because for the longest time I didn’t do it. I spent years not buying into it or believing that it could be real. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to because I did. I desperately wanted to believe that this thing was something tangible. Because I just knew that if I could feel it in my hands and see it with my eyes it would prove that there was something to this dream I had once lived.

You see I fell in love with a girl and I loved her fiercely. I loved her madly. I loved her passionately. I loved her in every way that the poets wrote of, spoke of and dreamed of.

I loved her with all of my heart and all of my soul. I loved her desperately and somewhere in that madness I lost her.

Some of you can’t feel what I am saying. These words have no meaning to you. They are figments of imagination that you can’t feel, see or taste. So they never grab you. Your heart, your eyes and your mind are closed to them.

I can’t fault or blame you because I used to be like you. I used to look at this sort of writing and roll my eyes because I didn’t know. I hadn’t seen. I hadn’t felt it.

But that was long ago. That was in the time before I became who I am now. That was before I understood that love is a drug that can make you soar to the highest heights and or drop your ass into a pit so dark and dank you can’t remember what it felt like to see sunshine.

Some of you are nodding your head. You don’t even realize that you are doing it. You aren’t even aware that your pulse has quickened and you can’t see anything other than these words and even those are growing faint.

That is because we are running with the moon you and I. We are partners on a journey and you want to know more about my story because you hope that maybe it holds some sort of key insight to your story.

You want to know about the girl I loved and what happened to her. You want to know if there is hope for us because if there is hope for us there might be some for you.

The thing that is ever so interesting about this is that I haven’t given you much in the way of detail. You haven’t heard about how we met in the most unusual way or how crazy it all was. You don’t know how it is we fell in love. You wonder if I am exaggerating or maybe you don’t.

Maybe you know what it is like to have that kind of passion where you can’t stand not having that person in your life because there is a gaping void that aches and burns without respite.  Maybe you too were surprised to discover that the kind of crazy love you experienced the first time you ever fell in love could come back. Maybe you were shocked by the passion and overwhelmed by the loss of the friendship that you had.

Because that friendship threw you for a loop. It wasn’t just about love or lust. You liked them as a person. They filled the gaps and made you believe that you could be more than you were. They made you believe that all that hokey stuff you read in cheap paperbacks or saw on television might be based in reality. You understood that you could be naked in every possible way with them and be confident that they would caress your soul and cradle your heart.

It doesn’t have to be a dream. You don’t have to keep running with the moon. You don’t have to feel that enormous sense of loss or wonder whether you can ever love and be loved like that again because if it happened once it can happen again.

There are no coincidences. You can live your dream. You can find a way back. All you need to do is let go, submit to the reality of the possibility and accept that there will be opportunity.

It is not poetry or fiction. It is reality. It can’t happen on its own but if you ask and if you believe you will find the answer. You don’t need the old gypsy woman to sell you Love Potion number 9.

There are no coincidences.

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