“If I loved you less, I…

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” Emma by Jane Austen

She told me she wasn’t in love with anyone but I just smiled because I knew better. The woman who told me she would never be the first to say I love you wasn’t going to risk getting hurt without knowing that we had a real shot this time. It was a big part of why she had cut off contact and was unwilling to see me in person.

Distance made it easier to pretend that what once was hadn’t been as special or as important. Time made it easier to reassure herself that the list of reasons why we couldn’t be made sense. Each passing day without me made it easier to believe that life apart wouldn’t be as difficult as we had once thought.

Once she had made me promise to not let go if things fell apart between us. She told me that if they did she would be a bitch and would fight to push me away but that I should ignore what she said.

I told her that I was concerned about that. I said it was like the fantasy of having me take her when she didn’t want to be taken. The idea of being dominated was exhilarating to her and intriguing to me. It held a certain interest but also a certain amount of fear.

When you blur those lines you need to make sure there is an extraordinary amount of trust and a very clear understanding of how you BOTH want to play it out. I remember wrestling with her and how she goaded me to be rougher.

I remember her words and the look in her eyes. I remember that Cheshire Cat grin when she told me that her body was meant to birth babies and that if I couldn’t go harder there might be a problem. I wrapped my fingers in her hair and tugged.  She rolled her eyes at me.

I pushed on the back of her head and she rolled her eyes again.

You all do that. Every one of you. Trust me, I know from my experience and my friends.”
That got the response she wanted. It  is hard not to remember the smile and look of satisfaction.

But that was then and this is now.

The question of whether she meant what she said and whether the words retained their power after so much time has passed hung in the air. There is what was and what is.

Each of them followed by what could be, what should be and what would be.

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