If I Ever become Famous

If I ever become famous someone will read this and ask me questions about whether this is fact or fiction. I probably will give some sort of answer like “what do you think?” Or maybe I’ll simply smile.

What I know is this post is one that helped me realize that I could do more with words than I had realized. I wouldn’t call it my best work but it resonates with many and it is something I sometimes use as part of the framework for other stories.

Right now I have an idea in which this might work so I am putting it up so that I have it handy. Got a big smile on my face SAW for no other reason than because.

Someone once told me that the heart wants what the heart wants. I don’t know if that is a line from a book or a movie, it could be. Then again it might be one of those pithy statements that people come up with. I’d ask the person who told me but I can quite remember who said it. Hell, it might have even been
me.

The heart wants what the heart wants. You know what that means? It is a statement made by people who can’t explain why they are in love with person xyz. It is what you say when there is no logical explanation for your actions. It is a catchphrase, a tagline, a slogan and a motto.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It reminds me of Shakespeare, “Life is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” Somewhere my high school English teacher Mrs. McDonnell is smiling. Little Jimmy actually remembered a line from Macbeth. See ma’am, I told you that I could hear just as well in sunglasses as without..

The heart wants what the heart wants. It is the kind of thing you hear people say when they are trying to explain why they are hung up on someone from their past. Or maybe it is what you say when you stop denying the love that is in front of you.

If love were rational, if it were based upon logic life would be easier. When I think about some of the things I have done because of love I want to scream. When I consider the self-inflicted misery I have endured I want to cry because it seems so very foolish. How could I waste so much energy on such a silly thing as a woman, a single woman. The world is filled with millions of women. It should be easy to replace her. It should be as simple as changing shoes, but it is not. It is not, it is not.

The heart wants what the heart wants. It does and mine has chosen someone that is far more special to me than all of the others. My lips remember hers. I can still feel her touch. The pillowcase has never been washed because I have this fantasy that I can still pull it close and smell her.

Sometimes I think that reincarnation must be real and that in a past life I must have stolen fire from the gods or committed some other heinous crime. Because there is no logical reason why I would be punished in this manner. I found the woman that completes me. I found the person that makes me whole and I let her go.

She would have stayed. She would have held my hand. She would have helped save my soul but I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t make myself do it. Even though I knew it to be a simple thing. A brief plea for help and she wouldn’t have left me. I wouldn’t have been left to live in shadow and night. I could have been whole. Her love was enough to let me believe that I could have been something more.

But like I said, in that past life I did something. I earned the wrath of those who sit in judgment. Or maybe it is nothing like that. Maybe there is no reason why. Maybe this is all there is and happiness is based upon some sort of random something or other.

The heart wants what it wants and mine has betrayed me. In a different life it lay in a green garden beneath bright blue skies and now it is filled with weeds and fields of shattered stone and black night skies.

Once I might have hoped for salvation. Once I believed that I deserved better than this but now I understand that not to be so. Hades has issued his decree. I stand next to Sisyphus. Tantalus is my brother. Happiness is something that I can see but can’t reach.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

 

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Categories: Uncategorized | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “If I Ever become Famous

  1. annmarie56

    Damn you Jack…damn you. Friday morning and I’m crying at my desk. My ex used to say that: the heart wants what it wants. No logic. No plan. It just does. And it wasn’t enough for him either. He could have had me, in all my emotional, sensual, sexual glory and he left. He said he was not good enough, that he was not a good person. But I saw through the facade. I saw the man behind the curtain. And I loved him.
    My heart wants what it wants.

    • TheJackB

      I am sorry. it doesn’t help to say that or that it sucks, but sometimes that is all we have. Sometimes we just have to wait and hope that the people we care about have a change of heart and or perspective.

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