Road Rage

Most people don’t know that the largest traffic jam in the history of Los Angeles was caused because I dumped a plate of eggs on someone.

Something tells me thousands of people wouldn’t care why I did it or that I look back on this experience as being among the scariest and best times of my life.

Nah, they wouldn’t want to hear me tell them about how a flannel clad bald man stuck his leg out at the diner and tripped me. They probably wouldn’t want to hear about how he laughed and offered to send me on another trip.

If he hadn’t laughed so damn hard I might have thought it was a mistake but there was something about the gleeful look on his face that set me off.

When I glared at him he told me to “fuck off.”

I smiled and asked him if he was enjoying his meal.

“Yeah, it is pretty damn good. Now fuck off.”

I smiled again and stuck my hand down the front of my pants and made a point to wiggle my fingers around.

When I pulled my hand out I wiped it across his face and asked him if he liked another serving of “Sweaty balls.”

And then I hit him in the head with his plate and watched the eggs run down the front of his shirt.

“You ought to take a trip you fat fuck. Get the fuck out now and I won’t carve my name into the side of your head.”

If this were a movie he would have meekly nodded his head and run out the door, but it wasn’t and he didn’t.

This is precisely the time that I should have heard warning bells inside my head and gotten out of there. Except I didn’t hear any bells and my ego made me stroll away.

And by stroll I mean strut or maybe sashay, I am not really sure how to describe it as being anything other than the walk of arrogance.

Moments later I would put on my seat belt and pull out onto the street heading towards the freeway.

Somewhere during those moments he left the diner, got into his semi and came after me.

I heard him long before I saw him.

He didn’t bother with signals, stop signs or lane changes. He just drove though the cars towards me.

This was a piece of fiction written for Write on Edge. If you enjoy this you are welcome to look around here or to come visit my other blog.

Categories: Write on Edge | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “Road Rage

  1. ROFLMAO. Oh my god, hilarious

  2. Gina

    This was GREAT! Made me a little nervous too!

    • TheJackB

      I know Chicago is a small, sweet town so stuff like this would never happen there. That is the problem with a city where you can’t get a good steak or pizza. No heart. 😉

  3. Oh my what a nasty flannel clad man! Good story.

  4. Love this, very fun!

    This actually reminds me of a real life traffic jam. A few years ago, a mediocre band drove onto a rush hour section of a freeway in LA. The van was parked sideways to take up as many lanes as it could. The driver took the keys and ran. The band set up on the roof of the vehicle and performed a song. It was a publicity stunt that earned the band a hatemail base and a trip to jail.

    The video is on YouTube somewhere. It’s very painful to watch.

    I think road rage is an understatement for those that seek revenge for that day. Sad thing is, I worked with the guitar player once. I try to forget that aspect of my life.

    So yeah, nothing whatsoever to do with a plate of eggs and a flannel shirt, but just as “Oh God, they went there!” I think.

    Well done!

    • TheJackB

      I remember when that happened and how relieved I was not to have been stuck on the freeway. Those guys are lucky they weren’t killed.

      I can appreciate why they did it, but damn, that was dangerous.

  5. Yikes! Talk about a serious statement of road rage 🙂 A semi is quite the retaliation.

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