Many years ago I had a conversation with an ex and I mentioned having stumbled onto a letter she once wrote me. She suggested that I hadn’t stumbled onto it and that I had gone looking for it.
I hadn’t but that didn’t really matter all that much.
Anyhoo, as a writer I make a point to watch lots of movies and read lots of books. It helps stimulate the mind and my creative thinking. There are a ton of stories out there about the couple who because of time and or circumstances are forced to break up and then wind up back together.
It got me to thinking about whether the promises we make are meaningful or if they are just words we say because for a moment in time we think we care about someone. Got me thinking about whether we just replace those people with someone else or if maybe they can’t be replaced.
Got me thinking about how short time is and how things happen. People get sick and or have accidents. Time is fleeting. Do what you are going to do and who you need to do it with now.
There was a time not so long ago when you used to let me see you. A time when you weren’t guarded or reserved. You didn’t hide behind the walls of the fortress you built. The castle doors were wide open and the knights that served as your gatekeepers would welcome me.
They knew that my arrival would fill your heart with the same joy that I felt and so they’d send you word of my approach. I’d ride over the bridge and find you waiting for me, arms wide open and a smile that put the Cheshire cat’s grin to shame.
I’d slip off of my horse and find you in my arms. And for a moment we’d do nothing but hold each other in silence. Later we’d walk off holding hands and share the stories of our days and the things that happened while we were apart.
It was our secret world.
And then something happened. Things changed. I left the castle and when I returned the gates were closed and new guards had been placed were the old had once stood. New guards who didn’t know my name and didn’t care to learn it.
I tried to explain to them that they had made a mistake. I used logic and reason and calmly expressed my concern over their ambivalence to my position. And when logic and reason failed I promised to bring down the castle walls upon their heads. I made a blood vow to see that they received their just rewards and promised that their intransigence would be met by an iron fist.
None of it made a difference. They stood firm. And just as I was ready to launch my personal war upon Troy I learned that you were behind it all. Discovered that you had given the orders not to let me in. I was more than a little dismayed by this news.
I stood outside the walls and in the pouring rain I screamed your name. And for just a moment you appeared at the walls. You stood in silence, a pained expression upon your face and then turned and walked away. “Don’t go,” I shouted. I yelled again and tried to remind you that we could work it out. But you kept on walking.
So I got back on my horse and left. But not before I promised to come back again. Like Macarthur I swore that I would return. And I did…many times.
More than once I have set up camp at the base of the walls. And more than once I have found you standing there in silence. You don’t invite me in but you don’t tell me to go either. So I continue to search for the key that will open those gates. I continue to look for a way to tear down your walls.
I work in darkness and I work in light. In spite of adversity I work to find the way back to our secret world. Only time will tell if this is a fool’s errand or a noble quest. But at the end of the day I do what I must so that I can accept whatever the outcome of this journey may be.