“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”
When the end came we convinced ourselves that there was no truth to the old nursery rhyme and swore that Humpty could be put back together again. It wasn’t a question of if, but when. Past experiences had proven that to us.
We had known heartbreak and we had survived it. Perhaps we were different people than when we had started but different doesn’t mean bad or worse. It just means different and sometimes different is better than before.
The funny thing about it was how very different it was than we had once imagined it. We had told each other that there was no place in our minds and hearts for a time when we would no longer be together. We laughed about how silly and juvenile that sounded.
We laughed because it reminded us of the school kids we had been and how with your first love you pledge to be with them forever because that is all you can see…forever.
Except we had been through the forever part at least twice before with other people and had learned that even though it was painful to sever forever that pain didn’t last. Eventually it went away and you woke up not aching or wanting the person who had once filled that hole in your heart, the one you never knew you had.
But sometimes life throws rocks at you and you find out that it hurts for longer and harder than you ever expected. Sometimes you can’t figure out why it hurts so much and why it lasts so long.
You do your best to figure it out. You spend time by yourself and think about what it is that makes it so hard. You put ample time in to figure out the source and you discover that you can’t put your finger on it.
Whatever that source of magic is eludes your touch and all you can do is wonder what the best course of action is.
Maybe you decide to do all you can to let go and you wander off in search of pursuits and passions that distract you from the sense of loss and loneliness. Maybe it works well enough for you to feel like you are well on your way and you are confident that you have truly let go.
But sometimes the flames never quite burn out completely and a passing breeze sets it off. You might not even be conscious of it. You might not be aware of how and when it starts, but it does.
And then one day you realize that you miss that other person and you are stuck. You can’t decide if you are a fool for doing so. Maybe you make a list of reasons why you shouldn’t. Maybe you go so far as to make contact with the intent to start a fight because you know that anger will help make it easier.
Or maybe you just accept that sometimes never and forever are words that should rarely be part of your vocabulary because you can’t predict or promise the future. All you can do is live your life and enjoy the journey and accept that sometimes the heart wants what it wants.
It is not just a question of want or of need, but of will. As in what are you willing to do to try to answer your heart.