Living With My Darkness

A thousand years ago someone told me they could take better care of me than anyone else and that if I allowed myself to be who I really am they could live with it. Maybe that is true and maybe it is not, can’t say because we never got the chance to find out. Never turned the corner to see what could be and chose to go our separate ways leaving me to decide what sort of future I wanted.

Anger and sadness tinged with a double dose of hope sent  me down a rocky path to see what was really lurking behind the corners and crevices of my mind. I never had the sort of support that was offered then and since you can’t miss something you never had it just didn’t matter.

Spent my life living with my darkness and the knowledge that the only person who would help me find my way was me and I am good with that. Never gave trust easily and all that I got from trying it out was a kick in the ass and a punch in the mouth. There is not a whole lot of joy in being fed your own shoe leather nor much to be said for the taste of your own blood so I let go.

Let go because it was smarter to stop dancing in the fire pretending that it never hurt. Smarter to stop beating my fists against a wall that couldn’t be torn down by force of will.

Walked away without a look back and headed off into fog so thick and so dense the light from my flashlight couldn’t penetrate it. Stepped inside and discovered that the chill that I had felt before was nothing compared to what I had walked into.

This was the sort of bitter that makes your nose run and your teeth chatter involuntarily. I thought of it as stepping into the void because I was never more alone than I found myself in that place. Never so aware of how empty I felt.

Closed my eyes, bit my lip, balled my fists and stood in place waiting for equilibrium to hit. Empty or not I knew that if I sustained my effort and stood my ground I would find the place where I would be numb to the cold and able to think clearly again.

Might have been a moment of might have been millenia, but I got there. I found it.

Opened my eyes, looked in the mirror and found myself staring into the eyes of who I was and saw a piece of who I was going to become. It restored and re-energized me. It gave me what I needed to walk back into the fire and stand there without fear or concern.

The pain that I went through to get there was significant, but I go there.

Blue skies are all I see now.


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