Technically she wasn’t a girl any more and he wasn’t a boy but sometimes she wished they were. She would never tell him that or concede that she had wanted to kiss him as badly as he had wanted to kiss her.
He was a man and he certainly wasn’t going to let it end with just a kiss, nor would he spend any time thinking about the consequences of their actions. He would march headfirst into things and then when they had turned into a mess he would wake up and decide he didn’t have the stomach to deal with it.
And she just wasn’t up for cleaning up another mess.
Now was the time for the simple life. It was what she wanted and what she deserved.
But it wasn’t as cut and dry as she wanted it to be.
Because he was out there and he l0oked good. More importantly he still owned a piece of her heart and probably always would.
It was big enough for her not to just walk away or turn around.
And she knew that he still loved her. Knew that he thought she was still beautiful and that he wanted to carry her heart again.
So she didn’t push him away but didn’t pull him in close either.
A part of her hoped he wasn’t dense enough not to see through her charade. If he had pushed just a little bit harder she would have given in and kissed him. She had given him a huge hint, said that he shouldn’t want to kiss someone who wouldn’t be into it.
But he didn’t push and so they didn’t share the kiss they both wanted. Part of her was relieved and part of her wondered if he would hang around or if she would let him catch her.
There wasn’t much doubt that she was torn about what she wanted. He understood her situation and why she was trying to hard to maintain control.
Nor was there any doubt in his mind that he could have gotten the kiss he wanted. He listened to her talk about why they should be friends and then heard all of the other messages.
When she said that part of her was turned off he believed her. He didn’t think she was feeling it with anyone else, let alone him. It wasn’t a matter of her not wanting to be with him because of him but because of timing.
Her focus was in other places.
But it was also part of why he wanted to kiss her. It was because his heart and his head said this is part of how you reignite the fire. This is part of how you remind a woman who sees herself as a mother that she is a woman too.
He wanted to be direct about it. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she still was and that it was both mind and body he was attracted to except he knew she wasn’t going to buy into that now. It would sound like a line to her and she would focus on that because it would help maintain the distance.
That was ok. It didn’t have to be rushed.
The other day he had watched her face as he played with her hair and rubbed her back. He had intentionally grabbed her head and watched to see if she frowned or smiled. Her expression stayed neutral but he figured that if she had really been irritated she would have made it known and she hadn’t.
It was entirely possible that his read was wrong, but he didn’t think so.
She wanted to kiss him and she wanted to be kissed but it wasn’t something that was just going to happen.
Once upon a time that kiss was what had lead to the most intense relationship they had ever experienced. She might say she didn’t remember, but she did and that is why she was holding back.
One kiss and nothing would be the same.