Monthly Archives: June 2013

When The Past and the Present Finally Collided

One moment you were a memory, a dream and a fantasy.

And then the moment passed and we stared at each other again, trying to figure out how so much could have changed and yet so little.

Faces and bodies showed that time had passed but the electricity of touch and the feeling of a kiss made it clear that some moments extend well beyond an instant.

And the flames that might have flickered burst into bonfires burning brighter each day and it became impossible to pretend or ignore.

Deeper and deeper we fell, hurtling through space while holding hands and smiling all the while.

What once was had moved from past to present and memory became reality and reality improved upon memory.

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The Past Leads To The Present

 

June looked at Johnny and asked him if he really meant all that he said, but the real question lay beneath her words. She wanted to know how badly she had hurt him and if he had really recovered.

It made her ache all over to think of how she had made him suffer and she wondered why he hadn’t let go. There had been a time not long before where she had wondered about his sanity and asked herself if he lacked self esteem because she couldn’t understand why he hadn’t gone elsewhere.

“I don’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve all this. Why?”

He shook his head and shushed her.

“Sometimes you are an idiot. You know better. You know what I said and what I promised. Some things don’t require any more explanation than that, but if you must know, the answer is that I know things.”

She rolled her eyes again, “you know that I hate that. You could have just as easily been wrong. That is the kind of boneheaded remark people say when they can’t use fact.”

He laughed again.

“You want facts? Ok, here are the facts. I told you I would get you back. I told you that you were still in love with me. I told you that you would sleep with me. I told you that people don’t always act logically or rationally which explains your entire life, that and the fact that you are female.”

She shook her head and smiled.

“Yeah, I know. You are dying to tell me I am wrong, to get the last word but you can’t this time. You can’t because I am right and you love that I am right. You love that I didn’t give up. You love that I called your bluff and you love that for the first time in years you remember what it feels like to be in love.

We are different, you and I. When things fell apart you shut down and I went to my own place. The difference is that instead of going numb like you did I danced in the damn fire. That is not a judgment call, it is just how we are and that is ok. You don’t really appreciate things or people until they are gone.”

He watched her bite her lip and turn her head.

“Hey, you don’t have to do that anymore. You don’t have to hide your pain or carry the load by yourself. I am here.”

When she walked into his arms he felt her inhale and then sigh deeply. One hand stroked her hair and the other was pressed firmly in the middle of her back.

“Don’t think, don’t talk. just take the moment for what it is. I am not worried about the time we lost or who did what. Just stop thinking about it all, you can’t control any of it any more than I can. What is gone is gone but now we have a second chance, up to us what we make of it”

“Johnny, if you don’t shut up you are going to miss your opportunity and there won’t be any second chances to be together today.”

He smiled and laughed.

“Gee June, that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.”

“Oh please, I am in love with the master of spin. How many times have you tried to convince me that a ‘quickie’ is the prelude to romance.’

“June, I am hurt, terribly hurt. Here I am trying to be sensitive to your schedule and you throw it at me. That is it, I am withholding my favors from you.”

“Well John, I guess that we’ll both have to suffer.’

“Damn you and that wicked smile June, that is not fair. I know you want this as much as I do.”

She smiled coyly at him, “care to test that theory, baby?”

“Nah, I don’t want you to be disappointed, but let’s get something clear, I am only giving in because I don’t you to be disappointed later.”

An hour later he woke up and watched her fix her hair.

“It is a good thing you didn’t disappoint me John, you know how much I hate that.”

“Damn, am I going to have to listen to you tease me about that forever.”

She just smiled and walked into the bathroom.

“Damn, I guess I am, but I suppose she is worth it.”

He made a point to say the last few words loudly enough for her to hear, but she didn’t respond and he never did find out if her silence was intentional or coincidence.

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One Day At A Time

Johnny pulled June into his arms, pushed her hair off of her hair and started whispering.

“I can’t hear what you are saying, why are you whispering? No one else is here.”

“I want you to focus all of your attention on me. You are busy wondering and worrying about everything. Be present”

She pulled her head back, looked him in the eye and giggled.

“Why are you looking at me like that? Is there something in my teeth? You are making me nervous.”

He cocked his head to the side and stayed silent.

“Tell me what you are looking at?”

She pulled away and walked towards the bathroom but before she could get there he grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards him. Still holding her hand he sat on the couch and pulled her onto his lap.

“I am too big. I’ll crush you.”

He put a finger over his lips and shushed her.

She smiled and he smiled back.

He wrapped his fingers in her hair and gently pulled her to him. A quick kiss on the lips and then he moved back to her ear, whispering again.

“June, you can relax now. It is safe. Trust me. Straddle me.”

“Isn’t there a more romantic way of doing this. That sounded a lot like an order.”

It is. Now stop complaining and straddle me. I want to feel your legs wrapped around me.”

She started to say something but saw the look in his eyes and stopped.

He surprised her when he stood up but she kept her legs locked around him.

“Junebug, you are weightless to me. I can walk around all day like this.”

She couldn’t help but smile.

“I am not weightless, but I get your point. Can you put me down now.”

“I can put you anywhere I want to. You are not in control now, but neither am I. I keep trying to tell you that we can’t control life, all we do is manage it.”

“Ok, I see that you are managing to walk into the bedroom with me. What do you think you are doing.”

He smiled.

“That is not really a question, now is it. I am going to put you in my bed and then I am going to climb in next to you.”

“Johnny, I thought we agreed about this. Why do you ignore me?

“Baby, I never ignore you but sometimes I go with my gut.”

“I think this time you are listening to something below it.”

“Maybe I am, or maybe not. We are going to sleep now.”

She giggled, “I don’t believe you.

He made a point not to respond, silently noting that she slipped into his arms and that she was the one who reached behind her to pull his body tight against hers.

He kissed her shoulders and stroked her hair.

“Get some sleep baby, we need to rest.”

She laughed, I would but it feels like part of you is wide awake.

“Take it as a compliment, now shh…I want to sleep.”

He felt her gradually start to relax and listened carefully to her breathing. He knew she was expecting him to make a pass but he had already decided that he wasn’t going to because that was what she expected.

There was no pressure or rush in his mind. He was already convinced that if he wanted to take that next step she would do so. Of course she would tell him that she didn’t think it was a good idea right now. She would give him several reasons why they shouldn’t. She would be gentle about it and say she didn’t want to hurt him.

He was certain she meant those things and certain that fear was what was stopping her from taking things further. It wouldn’t be there first time so there wasn’t any uncertainty about that. Two weeks before he had told her that he was certain he was the best lover she had ever had and then she had told him that men always say those things.

“Some men say those things. I don’t but I can with you. I know you better than any of the others and I know that you trust me more which is exactly why I am better. You are more willing to just let go and that is the secret.”

She rolled her eyes at him but that didn’t hide the smile.

“June, if you don’t stop wiggling I am not going to be able to sleep. That is not fair.”

She giggled.

“Do you really think I don’t know your plan. You are not as slick as you think you are.”

“Ok, if that is how you want to play it, I am game.”

“Mister, what do you think your hand is doing there?”

“It is not what it is doing now that matters, it is what it might be doing…later”

He made a point to snap the elastic on her panties, rolled over the other direction and said “good night.”

“Hey, where did you go?”

This time she was the one pulling him towards her.

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Goodbye?

I remember holdin’ on to you
All them long and lonely nights I put you through
Somewhere in there I’m sure I made you cry
But I can’t remember if we said goodbye

But I recall all of them nights down in Mexico
One place I may never go in my life again
Was I just off somewhere or just too high
But I can’t remember if we said goodbye

I only miss you every now and then
Like the soft breeze blowin’ up from the Caribbean
Most Novembers I break down and cry
Cause I can’t remember if we said goodbye

But I recall all of them nights down in Mexico
One place I will never go in my life again
Was I just off somewhere or just too high
But I can’t remember if we said goodbye
No I can’t remember if we said goodbye
Goodbye goodbye

 

A quick hit and run at 1:30 AM

 

I heard the bells go off Sunday night but unlike past times we were together. We were wrapped in each others arms and and doing nothing more than just holding each other in the quiet of the early evening.

Your head was on my shoulder, your hand lazily rubbing my arms and my nose was nuzzling your neck. The bells went off and we lifted our heads up long enough to kiss each other. A quick kiss., lightly on the lips but light doesn’t describe the power of that moment or what we felt.

Time stopped again and we found ourselves transported back to the kingdom we once roamed through together. The sun shone brightly and the gate to the castle beckoned towards us.

We held hands and walked towards the wall. Neither one of us asked how a place that had been empty for years suddenly looked like it had always been lived in. We stood in the entrance way and didn’t ask about the magic that clearly was present or wonder if we were dreaming.

For a brief moment there were no challenges or complications, there was only us and the possibilities that we had always dreamed of. For just a moment you turned off your mind and gave yourself to me, free of fear and worry about the things that could happen.

And for one moment in time we did more than remember, we felt what had been as it was and sensed what could be.

The bells rang, those chimes sweetly demanding that we dive deeper and look harder.

Submit, accept and enjoy, at least for that one moment in time because the bells said faith would be rewarded and it was.

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Catching Up

Johnny smiled and said nothing, just listened to June tell him about her day.

“Are you going to sit here and stare at me all night…again.”

A chuckle rumbled from within his chest and he winked at her.

“Maybe. Sounds to me like you can talk for both of us.”

She made a face and gave him a playful slap.

“You talk more than both of us.”

‘Only when I am talking and I am not.”

“You know I hate when you do that and you are doing it now to aggravate me.”

“No baby, I am not. Not now. Sometimes I do, but not now. Now I am just enjoying the moment. Got a lot to catch up on, keep talking.”

He smiled at her and she smiled back.  For a moment she looked at him and he knew her brain was moving a mile a minute, analyzing, questioning, thinking and wondering.

*****

“That is an appropriate song.”

“What is?”

He laughed again, “It is Crazy On You”  by Heart.”

“I know who sings it.”

“Woman, I know you know but you are crazy and so it just makes sense to hear it now.

“I am not crazy and why must you press my buttons.”

Another chuckle rumbled from between his lips.

“Don’t say it. I know what you are you going to say, don’t say a word.”

He smiled again.

Outsiders might have thought the stern look on her face meant she was angry, but he knew better.

She was happier than she had been in a long time and so was he.

*****

“June, I see the wheels turning inside. Try to stop and enjoy things for a moment. You are too busy wondering and worrying about what could or might happen. Maybe you’ll kiss me, maybe you’ll sleep with me, maybe you’ll marry me. Maybe all of those things and maybe none of those things.

Maybe shit will happen and we will fall back into a hole and despise each other. Maybe we’ll decide we should be friends and nothing more. Maybe an asteroid will hit the Earth, the sun will stop shining and dinosaurs will roam the earth again.”

He paused and when she didn’t respond he started talking again.

“I don’t know what will happen and I am just not going to worry about it. Sometimes the joy of life is in the journey and the best thing you can do is just enjoy it. Hell, I don’t know if this is just the difference between how men and women think or something else, but I can’t worry about some of this. Got too many other important things.”

Her eyes narrowed just a little and he could see her trying to decide if the last few words were designed to get a response or not.

“I like planning. I like knowing what I need to do. I like being organized. It makes me happy.”

“Baby, you like being in control and you can’t control this. I can’t control it either. The best we can do is manage it together. I don’t know that we ever stopped loving each other but I think this is  what you call falling in love again. Don’t tell the guys I said that or I’ll never hear the end of it.

Anyway, I think that is what is happening and I think that is part of why we are feeling like teenagers again. Except back then we didn’t worry about all of the other stuff like now. Sure, it felt like the world might end if things didn’t work, but we still didn’t have all of the life experience and baggage. Didn’t feel worn out, or worry about could or should happen.

I just want to enjoy this moment and the next one. It is kind of fun not planning every little detail.”

She smiled at him again.

“It was easier when we weren’t talking.”

He laughed, “no it wasn’t. We were both miserable, you especially. You just didn’t know it.”

“That cocky attitude of yours is going to get you into trouble. You shouldn’t be so confident.”\

“June, that cocky attitude is why you fell in love with me the first time. Without it I never would have had the nerve to go after you. It has gotten me into trouble from time to time, but right now I feel pretty good because something tells me things are going to work out just fine.”

“Let me guess, ‘you know things,’ right Johnny.”

The smirk on her face made it clear she was teasing him but there was a little edge in her voice that said she wasn’t completely sold.

“June, you are still thinking. Stop it. I know, I am being a man and trying to provide a solution now but please trust me here and just try to let go. We really can’t control this, but we can manage it and if you’ll hold my hand and walk with me I think it will be worth your time.”

“Ok Johnny, I can do that.”

 

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