An excerpt from a story that was started but has no end…
She was perfect in her imperfections and I loved ever more deeply and passionately for them. I didn’t see worry lines or wrinkles in her face. To me they illustrated character and beauty and a wealth of wisdom that can only be earned by having been privileged to live for more than a few years. When I looked inside her eyes I saw a depth that didn’t exist elsewhere and in return I shared a smile that was reserved solely for her. While there is no doubt that there was some disappointment in not having been able to experience and share personal and private moments before that there were benefits that were born because of experience.
Among the very few regrets was the reflection she saw in my eyes didn’t accurately or effectively display what I saw or how I felt.
There were 5,000 words here a few moments ago. Five thousand words that talked about some people who once knew each other and told the story of how they fell in love and were devastated when they broke up.
It talked about how they went their separate ways and how shocked they were when a chance encounter led to the most unexpected reunion either one of them had ever imagined.
That improbable moment where he took a chance and asked her is she still loved him and she said yes and the moment that came later. The moment where he kissed her and felt the wall she had built around her heart come tumbling down.
He remembered laughing weeks later when she said she couldn’t believe she felt like she was addicted to him again. And when she looked hurt he pulled her close and whispered words in her ear that made her smile too because she knew it wasn’t one sided. Made her smile because she knew it wasn’t one of those relationships where one person loved the other more than the other.
There was balance.
And much later on when she told him it was over again he rolled his eyes at the phone and thought…”really.”
His frustration didn’t really lie with her any more than hers lay with him. Circumstances had made things difficult and external elements were applying pressure.
So when they both reacted he did his best to take a deep breath and then asked her what was really different that day than on any other particular day.
It wasn’t like anything significant had changed, at least given their current circumstances. She had the time and space she wanted so he wondered why they needed to further define things. He didn’t like that because he was worried it lead them away from each other instead of together.
So he told her that he wasn’t the kind of guy who just gave up when things got rough and said he could carry her through the rough waters and asked her to keep holding his hand. Closed his eyes and cursed under his breath because he knew that physical distance was working for and against him.
If he could go see her today there was no doubt in his mind that they would both feel better. It was always how it worked with them, they drew strength from each other.
But they couldn’t do that and part of him worried that it would make it easier for her to build distance. And distance from her always hurt, she was a part of him.
He spent some time thinking about what he wanted to do. Thought about what she said and made a point to tell her again that he loved her with all that he had and explained why he thought this was just a blip in time.
And then when she pushed back and sounded unconvinced he walked away to think.
That was when he made the decision to just relax because if he was right about everything it wouldn’t matter. If he was right then it really was just a hiccup and they had overcome much bigger things.
If he was wrong about it well then he would figure that out too.
So he closed his eyes and thought about ripples in a pond and how the ripples from our past sometimes reach out and touch us in the present and our future.
He couldn’t control her and make her do what he wanted which ultimately was ok because her independent streak was a big part of what he loved about her.
And then he thought of her as a “crazy woman” and started laughing because she always yelled at him when he said she was nuts. It was part of their routine.
He didn’t have to close his eyes to hear her say she wasn’t crazy or to picture the look on her face. She was always on his mind.
In the interim the one thing he could control was himself so he closed his notebook, turned on some Johnny Cash and went to go workout.