I’ll never forget the first time I heard her say it or the mixture of shock, pleasure and excitement. I told her I was nervous about it and that I didn’t want to hurt her.
She laughed and told me she wasn’t weak, wimpy or prone to being broken. I told her that she didn’t understand how strong I was and that I was worried that I wouldn’t know where the lines were.
“I am not asking you to hurt me. This is not me telling you I want to be punched because I don’t want to be hurt.”
She looked at me to see if I understood, sighed and asked if she really had to spell it out.
I nodded my head and she told me that I didn’t have to make love to her every time and that sometimes she didn’t want that.
“You can be a man with me. I want you to let go and just pound me. A woman’s body is made to give birth to babies. You are a guy so you might not know how hard that can be on a body. Trust me, what you do isn’t going to be anything close to what happens during childbirth.”
I looked at her and smiled.
“I guess you must really trust me.”
She smiled back and told me I talk too much.
Sometimes I think about that moment and smile because in some ways the conversation was unnecessary. The chemistry between us was and is so powerful we can’t be close without touching each other.
In public we always tried to be good, but you rarely saw a situation in which we didn’t find a way to at least brush against each other. A million restaurant meals with our legs touching under the table or fingers grazing.
Tender and loving could morph into fast, sweaty and animal like.
She was never shy or uncomfortable with asking for what she wanted. Sometimes I would play with her hair and she would look at me and I would just know that I could grab a handful and tug on it.
If you asked what the secret was I couldn’t tell you. That chemical thing between us never disappears and even if we are sick, sad or angry it eventually pushes us to that place.
But there is an abundance of love and trust there too so you could argue that it is responsible for the chemical component. Hard to say, could be a whole chicken and egg thing going on.
Either way we are happy so what difference does it make how it happens.