Sometimes we talk about timing and how it has never been quite what we wanted it to be. We sigh gently and say we wish such and such was different and then silently wonder what we are doing and if it is the right thing.
Sometimes I suspect that you wonder about it more than I do and that you wonder why it doesn’t play a bigger role in my thought process.
You won’t appreciate this quote the way I do, or maybe you will. Maybe you’ll get it because you understand me in ways no one else ever has.
“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I share it because that feeling, that sense, that thing is what convinced me that there was more here and that I would be a fool not to follow it up.
It convinced me that one of my roles here is to be the rock that believes in the intangible, the improbable and the impossible because my heart said if I could carry us to the other side you would be waiting and ready to give more than I can.
That is not a bad thing and it is not a selfish thing. It is a gender thing and it has to do with differences between how men and women love.
If we could analyze, articulate and investigate it we would come to the same conclusion. You would look at me and smile because it wouldn’t bother you and wonder why I didn’t understand something so simple.
But that is how much of this works. It is a million magical moments and connections, twinkles of light that flicker on and off and sometimes it is not we who see them but you or and I and our job is to accept that.
Acceptance doesn’t mean weakness or subjugation either.
It is part of the partnership we share and why we work so well together. No one makes us angrier and no one makes us happier than each other.
This is the great story and the great challenge of life. It is standing fast when the waves slam you against the rocks and knowing that you could avoid them by walking away from the water. You could avoid the fury of the storm but you would never enjoy the beauty and calm that comes after.
And you would never know that the storm is the smallest part of it all. It is a tiny piece and the calm and serenity that follow are the big chunks of time.
So you dance in the rain and if the thunder scares you there is nothing to worry about because you can wrap yourself in my arms and know that I can protect you. I can carry your heart because I have done it many times and though I can’t promise there will be no bumps, bruises or scars I can promise to kiss the tears away when they come.
What really happens here is that you are the key and I am the lock. Funny to think of the reversal because in crass terms we would say that I am the penetrator and you are the person who is penetrated, but that is only in the physical sense of it all.
Love always is.