Originally posted here.
I decided to put together a Valentine’s Day segment for Fragments of Fiction.
“If I traveled all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There’s a roof above and good walls all around
You’re my castle, you’re my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house ’cause you’re my home”
You’re My Home- Billy Joel
“I was alone, I took a ride,
I didn’t know what I would find there
Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind there
Ooh, then I suddenly see you,
Ooh, did I tell you I need you
Every single day of my life”
Got To Get You Into My Life- The Beatles
“Who knows how long I’ve loved you,
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?
If you want me to I will.”
I Will- The Beatles
I am tired of beginning sentences with “if.” It frustrates me to hear the word pass through my lips and begin some sentence in which I express disappointment or regret about things I could or should have done. Life is not meant to be lived by looking backwards at the places we have been and the cries of what could have been.
It is not. Life is for the present and the future. The past is your garage. It is a closet stuffed full of experiences that we hope that we have learned from so that we don’t make the same mistakes. But it is the place where we can take refuge from some of the challenges of the day.
I seek balance between the two. I search for a way to reconcile these things so that I can live the life I want to live. Some times it is hard and I punish myself for the mistakes. I cry out in anger and frustration and wonder how I found myself stuck in this place.
We said that we would find a way. We promised that no matter what happened we would hold hands and overcome the challenges. And now you are gone.
You told me that things were too hard that life was too stressful. My intensity made it harder. And for that I am sorry. I can only be who I am. A boy who fell in love with a girl and has never stopped loving her. A man who cannot forget that first kiss and the look in your eyes.
It was the kiss that changed the world. There are times when I agonize about it because if I had never kissed you then I’d never know the emptiness of my heart. If we had never meant I would never have known that someone could fill me so completely and make me so happy.
You uncovered places inside me that I didn’t know existed and now they are so very cold without you there to help keep them warm.
Still, the experience reminds me of how incredibly strong I have become. I won’t ever stop loving you. Your absence is palpable. You are my air and I am choking without you. But I am surviving. Every day that we go without contact is one more reminder that I can do it. I can walk and live and be.
Yet, that doesn’t close the hole in my heart. All that it does is provide a bandage that I can use to get through the day. And the funniest thing about all of this is that my heart tells me that this is not done. We’re not through,not by a long shot.
I have this feeling that something is going to change. The whispers in the dark tell me to just let it be. They say that this is nothing more than a blip in time. For now this walk down life’s pathways are separate but they will intersect again and when they do we will be stronger than ever before.
That gypsy that sells Love Potion Number 9 won’t be seeing me because we don’t need that kind of help and that is ok.
So this Valentine’s Day don’t be surprised if you suddenly see me standing there. Don’t be shocked when I pull you into my arms and kiss you. It is been far too long since we spent time together in our special world. Just remember that when you are thinking about me I am think about you. I’ll see you on the other side.