Sometimes she wondered what it would take for him to really believe that she was serious and that he should stop hoping for what she couldn’t give him.
He looked too far into the future, pushed too hard and asked for too much. It was frustrating and it made her angry because she really didn’t want to hurt him except if she didn’t he would continue to hold out hope. It hurt her to hurt him and that was part of what made her angrier with him because he kept forcing her hand.
Sometimes he would make these comments that made it easy to walk away because it was clear to her that she was doing to right thing and then something would happen and she would find herself thinking thoughts that she just couldn’t let continue. And that made her angry too, because it was easier when she could see him as being annoying yet somehow he always managed to slip by her guard.
So she would make her list of reasons why he had to go and why he couldn’t be more than just a friend. Fortunately it wasn’t like school because if she had to see him every day it would be too hard. She didn’t believe he wouldn’t try to change her mind. Didn’t believe he wouldn’t work extra hard to get her into bed.
It didn’t matter how many times he said he could be her friend because she knew him. And she knew how charming he could be and how little things he did would catch her eye and make her think that maybe she could have some fun.
There was a time when he was furious with her because he thought she lied to herself and to him. He didn’t make a big deal of it because he didn’t see it as malicious or think that it was done to hurt him. It was just part of how she protected herself.
He got that, understood it and went about his life. Sometimes he wondered what she would do if she truly thought she might lose him forever. Wondered what sort of reaction that would get.
It wasn’t clear to him whether it would make her resent him or if it would make her try to stay. Sometimes she accused him of being melodramatic but he knew he wasn’t the kind of man who wanted that kind of drama. There wasn’t any reason to try to force her to make a choice like that.
When she told him to give up he nodded his head and didn’t say much. Mostly there wasn’t all that much to say, bad timing was playing its role in things but life had taught him not to spend too much energy worrying about what might or might not happen.
Right now he couldn’t have what he really wanted, wouldn’t matter if she offered because now wouldn’t work for him. He didn’t think she believed him when he said that. He figured she thought it was a ploy and when she said as much he laughed and told her he was going to take her to bed.
He wasn’t surprised when her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. He stayed silent not because he feared arguing with her but because sometimes silence was simply best.
Let her wonder if he was playing or serious.
One day when she wanted to go to bed he would say no and he would make her ask at least twice. Yeah, it was kind of silly but he liked putting it out there because it aggravated her.
It was a silly sort of aggravation in his mind, kind of like pulling on her pigtails. He knew that it might not serve his cause, but sometimes you just did things without worrying about every little consequence.
She would be his or she wouldn’t. If it happened than it wouldn’t matter whether he teased her about sex or not. Truth was they were far beyond that place.
Sometimes he laughed when he thought about what a different man he was because he really believed that she couldn’t kiss him without opening her heart completely to him. One kiss and it would all be over.
Laughed because the guy he used to be would have rolled his eyes and told him he was an idiot. Would have said not to waste time thinking about any of this because sometimes life just says no.
And he would look at that guy and say you are right, sometimes life just says no and he would walk away and not look back.
No sense wasting time on a discussion like that. No one was going to prove anyone right or wrong and he had more important things to do than spend days wondering about it all.
It was the one thing in life he saw in black and white. Would or wouldn’t happen and there wasn’t a damn reason to be concerned about it now.