Did we ever fall out of love?
Well I suppose like all relationships you could say there was a rise and fall, a high tide and low tide. You could come up with all sorts of analogies and metaphors if you wanted to.
And if I wanted to I could relate it all to magnetic strength. We could talk about pull force for a bit and try to decide if that is the proper way to measure it or get into a different discussion about magnetic field strength.
That could be interesting, talking about Gauss or Tesla (1 Tesla = 10,000 Gauss) and how it relates to this but then again I have never found a good way to write an equation that accurately depicted and measured love.
What I know is we loved each other very much and that in the early days our timing had issues and those issues made things much harder for us because circumstances prevented us from giving ourselves to each other the way we really wanted to.
That is not to say we didn’t because we did but in the days before we finally made a real go of things we often found ourselves in the position of being unsure what to do because we couldn’t spend time together as we wanted to.
Men and Women
Unless you are a fool you won’t be surprised to hear that men and women sometimes see the world differently and that affects our approach to how we handle circumstances, challenges and opportunities.
Ask my crazy wife about these times and she’ll start by yelling at me because she says it is unfair to call her crazy and she is right, it is. But since she is not close enough for me to pull on her pony tail or smack her butt I have to tease her in other ways.
Sometimes that makes the girls crazy because they says it is a bit disrespectful but they also understand how much love there is between us and mom is always the final arbiter of what goes on, at least when it comes to that.
She also likes to see herself as the historian who most accurately and keenly remembers how it all began but if you ask her about Wes and Linda she’ll say “huh” and then tell you that I don’t know a damn thing. But I know more than a damn thing, I know many things and I remember much that she thinks of differently.
In the early days that used to bother me a bit, I used to get frustrated by what I thought of as revisionist history but over time I realized it was how she protected herself from some of the pain and frustration of circumstances.
Now I could tell you about those early days and how she pushed me to do things in a certain way and how she expected it to be handled. You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn I frustrated her then because I didn’t behave as she wanted and that was part of what led to the initial split.
Wasn’t the only thing but it worked as a convenient excuse she could use to help drive a wedge between us and was part of how she convinced herself that we were better off going our separate ways.
In my younger years I might have been upset by the differences in opinion about those days but I am not who I was and frankly since we have been together for decades now I see no reason to fight about it. Let her be right or let her be wrong and the upshot is the same.
Ultimately my interest lies in making her happy so if it makes her happy to believe the tale as she would tell it then that is ok with me.
What cracks me about those days is that after she gave me my walking papers and told me to have a nice life I spent countless hours ignoring that and doing exactly what she had once asked me to do.
Now you can call it too little too late if you want but the fact is that five years of silence was broken when I moved to her town. Or maybe it is more accurate to say the first time I saw her after those years of silence I felt the kind of stirring down low that I hadn’f felt in years.
This is not to say things had been broken or dead down there but they certainly hadn’t responded that way since I had been in high school or college.
She wasn’t just hot, she was beautiful and oblivious to how good looking she was. She had always been attractive but where some women aged poorly she hadn’t. In some ways time had made her even better looking than before.
Dancing Partners Again
When she first discovered I had moved to town she was angry and though she didn’t tell me to stay away she made it clear I shouldn’t call upon her and I didn’t.
In part it was because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to open that door again. I worried a bit about what would happen if I did and she pushed me away and what I would do if she didn’t.
Because if she brought me in close again I could see a time when a fickle heart might decide that circumstances wouldn’t allow for her love me as she wished and I would get my walking papers…again.
You can attribute that to differences between men and women. She would see that as being smart and practical and I would call it dumb and foolish.
Don’t tell her I said dumb and foolish, it is bad enough when I call her crazy. See, I told you I like teasing her.
So time passes and she doesn’t hear from me which I expect got her to wondering a bit because she knew my feelings were still there but I wasn’t chasing her.
That was intentional on my part. I wanted her to miss me and she did.
Eventually she reached out to me by telephone and asked me if I would like to have dinner with her. I said yes and we made arrangements to meet.
The day of the dinner I played around with cancelling because I realized I was really angry about everything. I was hurt and disappointed and part of me worried that I would yell at her and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.
But I was also concerned that I might miss out on an opportunity to reconnect. Don’t ask me why I thought it might be possible, I just did.
So I didn’t cancel the dinner but I did make a point to arrive a few minutes later so that I could scope things out from the outside. I parked my car next to hers, looked at the restaurant and saw her standing with her back to me.
When I walked inside I tried to give her a hug and a kiss but she moved away so I did my best to pretend like I hadn’t been snubbed.
She launched into a conversation about her life and told me what she had been doing for the last five years and then took 30 seconds to breathe and hit me with a series of questions about my life.
I answered them all and found myself fighting to keep my distance because it felt like no time had passed between us.
That sort of comfort and connection is a rare thing. The most honest answer I can give you is the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to sleep with her but it took less than five minutes of listening to her to realize it wasn’t just physical.
I wanted my dance partner back.
But it didn’t happen that night.
I tried to be cool. Did my best to be interested yet slightly aloof because I didn’t want to seem too eager but I wasn’t nearly as successful as I hoped.
After dinner I walked her to the car and when we got ready to leave I surprised myself by trying to kiss her. She didn’t push me away and scream but she didn’t kiss me back or give me a reason to think that trying again would work. So I didn’t.
I went home and spent the night pacing and smiling.
We talked quite s a bit during the days that followed and I wasn’t surprised when she asked me to have lunch with her. This time around I was far more relaxed.
The conversation again just flowed and I couldn’t stop smiling. She must have guessed what was on my mind because she told me we could be nothing more than friends and that she couldn’t get involved.
I nodded my head and told her that was fine and explained that I wasn’t sure if I needed to take a pill because things weren’t working properly.
It wasn’t a complete lie but it wasn’t totally true either. I don’t think anyone will be surprised to hear I was hoping it would intrigue her enough to try to figure out for herself whether that was an exaggeration or not.
She did and it wasn’t.
What Came Next
What came next was one of the most joyous and fulfilling times of my life. We decided to see each other and reconnected more deeply than we had when we had first begun.
We were older, wiser and more experienced but more than anything else we knew what made us happy. It was each other.
Yet we still had to deal with some issues surrounding bad timing and circumstances that were outside of our control. For a good long while we managed to work it out and then a job opportunity forced me to make a decision about staying.
It was hellish, the kind of choice no one ever wants to make. I had a career opportunity, the kind of thing that can change your life waiting for me. We talked about what to do and she encouraged me to take it.
We expected it to lead to some very big things and figured there was a 85% chance that I would be able to move back within 18 months.
I was excited to accept it but reluctantly did so because I was nervous that time and distance would pull us apart again. I remember the sick feeling in my stomach when I locked my car and drove away that final day. Something inside me said it was just a matter of time before she would tell me that circumstances were too hard.
But unlike the first time she gave me my walking papers this time I felt things were different. We had something rare, special and amazing, so much so you couldn’t ignore it.
I figured if she did end things it wouldn’t be forever, just a temporary thing.
I am sure that sounds funny to you because today you can’t imagine us ever being apart but there was a time when that was different.
If I tell you now I was confident that we would find our way back to each to each other you would say of course and so would she. But back then it was different, back then she wasn’t certain.
She knew how determined I was and believed that I loved her but she wouldn’t let herself believe with unrelenting certainty that I was coming back because she didn’t want to get hurt.
And because from her perspective circumstances made it look like I very well might go a different direction Circumstances made her wonder if I would stop fighting because it was easier to go a different way.
Well I can’t say I fault her for wondering because she didn’t look at life as being anything more than a series of random events. There wasn’t besheret, soul mates or meant to be. There was just random stuff that happened.
Maybe that is why I like talking about Mr. Tesla and his magnets because science she understands and believes. Science is something she relates to so when I talk about magnetic field strength as it relates to us she smiles because that is something she can believe in.
Or maybe it is because she thinks I am smart, witty, handsome and humble. Either way I am just glad she made the right choice way back when.