Johnny told June he was tired and frustrated.
“I don’t sleep as well as I should or want to. My whole body aches, sometimes I wake up at night because parts of me are aching from being clenched so hard. This is aging me.’
She told him she understood and he said he hoped she didn’t.
“Why would you say that?”
He shook his head, sighed and told her that he loved her.
“I love you too, but that doesn’t answer why you would say that.”
“June, I said it because I care about you and I don’t want you to feel like a jackass who can’t get his shit together.”
“That is not true.”
“Maybe it is not, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it. Some days it is a fight to get out of bed. I have done this too many times.”
“What are you going to do?”
“It is going to sound ridiculous to you, but I am going to just surrender to this moment. I am going to stop walking around with my jaw clenched and a lightning quick temper. I am going to accept that I can’t control it all and then I am going to put my faith in myself again.
I know it sounds crazy, but I am going to just believe that the right position is going to come along and that when the opportunity comes I’ll grab it. I can’t keep doing what I am doing because it hasn’t worked. I have to believe that this will past.”
She smiled at him and asked what he would do if it didn’t.
“You tell me I need a new shtick but I’ll tell you that I know things. I’ll tell you that just as I knew we’d have a shot again I know something is coming. I just can’t make it happen any faster than it is. I don’t care if that is nonsense or bullshit because today it is enough to keep me going.”
He walked out the balcony and stared aimlessly at the sky. He felt her arms wrap around him and he sighed.
“June, one day we are going to look back at this time and smile. I am going to figure it out. I am going to find a way but for now, I surrender.”