Doubting Doubt

She felt his hands find her hips and her body stiffened. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, but she didn’t pull away.

He pressed up against her and she felt his breath against her neck.

When he heard her say “we can’t” he smiled because he knew that meant “she would” and what was once forbidden would be his again.

*****

Felt you shudder when I took you in my arms. We were fully dressed and I watched as you took it all in. Watched you walk up and down my body, saw you memorize each piece and part, wondered what it was you saw.

I knew things then and I know things now.

One kiss changed it all. One kiss turned the world upside down and inside out.

A moment from the movies come to real life.

*****

She smiled at him again.

“It was easier when we weren’t talking.”

He laughed, “no it wasn’t. We were both miserable, you especially. You just didn’t know it.”

“That cocky attitude of yours is going to get you into trouble. You shouldn’t be so confident.”

*****

You said we can be friends and asked me if that was too hard. You said that was all you could give. I told you that you should kiss me and see if you felt something more. I wrapped my fingers in your hair and stuck my nose in your neck.

You kept your face turned, but your breathing wasn’t as even as it had once been. I didn’t have to put my head against your chest to know your heart was starting to pound. Didn’t have to do anything because the bells were going off at a rapid rate and I could hear your thoughts.

I didn’t push you to kiss me after that. I was confident that if I had you would have, but I decided it wasn’t necessary. You know the spark is there and you want to do something but the timing isn’t right for you.

That is ok. There is no rush.

If this is what I think it is then everything will fall into place as it should.

*****

I tell you that I am sorry. I don’t know how or why some things play out the way that they do. I have enough trouble remembering my own name. But I know things and this much is certain, whatever has happened is done. Now we have the future we once talked about except now it is real. Now we have countless hours to do and to be. It is good that we aren’t teenagers anymore because now we know what is real and what isn’t.

Moonlight fills the room and the lights dance in your eyes. We started a story whose end doesn’t have to wait any longer because our future is now. Take a leap of faith and believe.

*****

I know what my heart says, but my head says don’t be a fool. Don’t write these things down because you sound crazy. Don’t open the door and don’t look back.

But you don’t become a writer unless you know how to dream. And the very best dreams come from the heart- source of passion, power and magic.

*****

I suppose if we could sing we would have done our own rendition of Streisand and Diamond singing You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore. And maybe for a time that would have been all she wrote. Maybe for a time that would have been all that we could have.

But I have a dream that we are going to find a time and a way to give it another shot. I have a dream that the tears that have been shed and the pain of our separation will end. I have a dream that we are going to get a chance to do it right, except the funny thing is that in many ways I don’t think we did it wrong.

Can’t say what I believe in whether it is meant to be or not. Can tell you that I am sorry that we never got the chance to have those six kids we talked about. Can tell you that there have been moments where I have seen us together in my dreams. And every time I have seen a big house and heard a ton of noise from all of the children running around.

One could be bitter about that or get lost somewhere in the echoes of time but I hear the echoes of the future calling and I think we should answer. The dream I have now gives us decades of life to live and love and to laugh.

I am still here singing our song. I never stopped singing it. If I were a painter I would paint it for you.

There is this big empty hand that is reaching out across time and space. There are are arms that would wrap you in them and a heart calling out for you.

And nestled among the hope there is fear too. There is concern that maybe yesterday is all there is and that we missed out on the time of our life. There is fear that giving the fire free reign might leave my insides with fresh burns long before the scars of the past have had a chance to heal.

Yet that hand remains because the only way to learn whether a fool frolics freely is to dance in the fire and I have been dancing for you for a thousand years now.

In that dream I see you living your life but looking out the window. You are waiting for me to call or come for you. You give me the barest hint of your interest and wait for me to do what you fail to say out loud.

*****

For a moment you look away, the look in my eyes too intense. I walk over to the bed and gently lift your head so that our eyes can connect again. I tell you that I never stopped singing that song. Some people come into your life for but a moment, others for a lifetime and some for longer still. You laugh and tell me that I don’t need to use cheap lines to get you. I shake my head and whisper “no.”

*****

Sometimes I think about feeding those words back to you and I laugh because they are as true when I say them as when you do. That is because sometimes in life you find a person who carries your heart in the palm of their hand and whose presence always soothes your soul.

I stopped trying to figure out why it happened as it has just as I stopped trying to figure out how it all works because I know what you like and what you need.

++++

These are not words spoken from bravado. They are said quietly, plainly, humbly. They are words I believe in because when you carry someone’s heart in your hand you damn well better understand and know.

And you better understand it doesn’t mean you can’t ever hurt, offend or upset that person because your insight and your privilege makes it easier than any other to do those things.

But it also means you have a gift that you can use to help heal their heart.

And a gift you can share to help build a life that is more together than it is apart.

Some things can’t be stopped, they can only be delayed.

*****

She rolls her eyes at me and tells me not to push my luck and then I smile and tell her it is never smart to argue with the boss. Before she can reply I pull her in and kiss her hard on the mouth.

As she kisses me back she tells me that I am not off the hook yet, “we’ll discuss it later.”

*****

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

Surprise, just when you thought there were no more to be had you discover that life can still throw rocks at you and that they can do more than just sting.

They can force you to your knees and forget who you are and what you promised to be. Promises made, promises broken and confusion reigns supreme.

*****

Time is a fickle bitch.

Expands and contracts like some kind of crazy accordion.

Sunsets.

Days.

Silence.

Except just when you have become accustomed to the silence you don’t just hear, you feel their presence and you begin to remember.

One heartbeat.

Belief.

Confidence that what isn’t tangible is real and that what can’t be seen can be believed.

And once you accept that you survived the moments that you thought would stop you in your tracks and understand how to read the map upon the scars, well then you are on your wa, aren’t you

One kiss restores faith and erases doubt.

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