Monthly Archives: March 2015

Slipping

He looked in the mirror and wondered when the wispy gray hairs started to show up. He didn’t particularly care  they were there any more than he cared that his hairline seemed to be in full retreat.

Those were among the perks of aging and so were mysterious aches and pains and a host of other minor irritations.

Doc had told him if he focused on dropping some weight he had every reason to believe they would be once a year acquaintances and not the kind of friends who meet monthly.

He turned in a slow circle and continued to examine his naked body.

It made him feel silly because he had never been this guy, not even when he was ripped from head to toe.

Back then a couple of his girlfriends had asked him to stand naked in front of them. He hadn’t ever thought twice about it, he wasn’t shy.

But that before he had let life catch up to him and now he sometimes found himself feeling self-conscious.

He stopped turning long enough to accuse his reflection of being the kind of idiot who wasn’t smart enough to recognize that things had changed.

****

The guy in the mirror looked back and told him change was inevitable and that growth was natural.

“Ok smartass, that is just dandy. Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll buy your own bullshit.”

That remark was a perfect example of why holding conversations with your reflection wasn’t always productive. You couldn’t bullshit them and if you did it just meant you were good at lying to yourself.

“You are slipping into a giant hole and no one is going to rescue you. If you don’t figure this shit out soon you are going to be in a real mess.”

He nodded his head at the reflection and said he understood.

“The funny thing about this is it wouldn’t take much to fix things but it feels like we are already fucked. There is no support and no help coming from anyone but you.”

Two hours later he figured out he had sent out almost 2,000 applications.

“Two thousand applications and not one single job has come from it. That is one hell of a batting average, you might as well quit.”

Except the thing was he knew he couldn’t…quit.

He wanted to desperately. He wanted to get away from it all, take a long vacation and forget about all of the crap he was buried in but that wasn’t an option either.

“It only takes one. You pulled yourself out of the hole before and you can do it again.”

The hardest part about the self-pep talks came from the slipping. The longer and farther he went down his current path the harder it became to buy into what he was trying to sell himself.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “you have got this and you have got her.”

The second part threw him. It was as if his subconscious had walked into the conversation uninvited and shared a thought.

“You don’t know that. You may think that, you may want that but you don’t know that.”

He shook his head and looked out the window for the moon.

Today he would ignore his gut and operate solely off of what was known. That was the most logical and reasonable thing to do.

“Fuck logic and reason. They aren’t your friends. They are just what you turn to when you get scared because you can’t identify why you believe certain things. Sometimes you go with your gut and you believe with imperfect faith because it is what gets you to the other side.”

He shook his head again and decided he was done thinking. Now was the time to distract himself so he walked over to his weight set and made a promise not to think about anything but maintaining perfect form.

One way or another he was going to find a way to stop slipping.

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What Is Your Plan?

She rolls over onto her side, brushes the hair out of her face and asks him to be honest about how he got to be there.

“You came out for me, didn’t you.”

“This is an unexpected bonus, but not the reason I came out.”

He watches her eyes narrow and knows she is measuring his words, trying to decide if she believes him or not.

“You can choose to believe what you want, but I am telling you it could have easily been a dozen other locations. I am very happy it worked out this way but I had no plan to make this happen.”

This time she surprises him by saying nothing and kissing him.

She rolls onto her back, takes his hand in hers and starts talking.

He listens carefully to all she says, most of it is her filling him in on the bits and pieces of her life that he missed out on.

Periodic pauses are punctuated by silence, it is his chance to share his thoughts about what she has shared and to offer his opinion.

Later on over drinks and dinner she’ll press him again to admit that he came out for her but he’ll continue to refuse.

“You know I love you and I have for so long I don’t remember when I didn’t but you also know when I am determined to take care of what I have to do I will do just that. It is just coincidence that I ended up here, a very happy coincidence but nothing more than that.”

This conversation will creep up again and again over time and each time it happens he’ll reassure her that it is coincidence.

One day she’ll call and tell him she hates when he travels and says she think she might be addicted to him again. He’ll laugh and say it is mutual.

But when he does it he takes her by the hand and looks in her eyes and asks her not to fight with him about how or why he is there.

“There are more important things to disagree about, just let this one go.”

She’ll say ok and move on but he wonders if she really has let go.

Some of the other disagreements come and visit them and she tells him she fights with him more than anyone else.

“Our feelings are deeper and more intense than the ones we had with other people. Maybe we bicker more and maybe we don’t, what I know is I never stay angry with you. That is different for me. If I am angry with someone it doesn’t fade as quickly as it does with you.”

She smiles and tells him she finds it hard to stay angry with him too.

“Baby, if you take my hand I promise to walk with you and I promise that we can always work things out.”

“Ok, I can do that.”

Less than three minutes later she asks him what his plan is and he starts to laugh.

“Why are you laughing at me? I didn’t say anything funny and it is not nice.”

“Baby, I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you. I expected your question but I expected it to come faster and with more details than just ‘what is your plan?’  This is a good thing.”

“Since you expected it tell me what your answer is.”

“My answer is simple, I am going to take care of you. I am going to protect your heart, kiss your tears away and wear you out in the bedroom.”

A broad smile broke across her face.

“Baby, you are a man and I can promise you that you will never be able to wear me out. I can almost promise you that I notice you didn’t give me any specific details about your plan. You know I need details, what are they?”

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

“Don’t worry honey, I am ready to share as many details as I can now.”

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What Is…

They say we want what we cannot have and don’t want what is…ours.

I have never believed that to be as simple as it appears because it suggests that people do not change their wishes and or desires.

I know because I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been in the place where I had a life with who I wanted and then after a time discovered I no longer wanted it with them.

And I know what it is like to want someone I couldn’t have and then to have them…almost.

There are stories I could tell about how it all came about and what happened to move the needle from one location to the next.

Maybe these are tales you would appreciate because you have experienced them. Of course experience isn’t an indicator of interest or necessarily a reason you would want to know more.

Some people just don’t care and the reasons why don’t matter.

So these tales I hold onto are in large part of me, parts and pieces I share because they help me understand what happened and why.

They help me recognize, organize and clarify wants and needs and that is enough for me to wish to continue with them.

***

She asked me what she could to help and I said nothing.

When I didn’t respond she asked again and still I refused to answer.

Eventually she got angry and said the courteous thing would be to answer.

“You can give your body to me. You can wrap your legs around me and submit.”

There was a long pause before I heard her decline. She tried to make a joke of it and said it was hard to do over the phone.

When I said there were simple ways to get around it and spoke a magical metal beast that would move people through the air she told me it couldn’t be.

And then I laughed and said it absolutely could and would be, if we only let it happen.

“It is not that simple.”

“It is exactly that simple and if you want to help me it is exactly what I want and need.”

“Sometimes you can’t get what you want or need.”

I told her I didn’t believe what she said and that I didn’t think she did either.

“You can say these things over and over but you will never convince yourself and if you are not convinced how can you expect me to be.”

“How very nice of you to talk for me.”

I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at it for a moment.

Part of me was prepared to explain that whatever there was between us was going to be there for life and it made no difference what we said, but part of me was angry about life in general so I didn’t say anything.

Didn’t say anything because what I really wanted at that moment was what I couldn’t have and wouldn’t ask for.

And a big part of me felt like I couldn’t say more, couldn’t admit how weak I felt or allow myself to be more vulnerable so I just put the phone down and started walking.

***

The emails came later and so did the explanations.

When the moment came and they found themselves in bed again she told him she wasn’t interested in his saying “I told you so” or any other sort of wise crack.

He nodded his head and they took care of each other again.

Days passed but they didn’t notice the time.

When she told him she regretted having had to wait for so long to spend real time together he nodded his head.

And when she the look on his face she pulled his head to her chest and held him close.

Later on he told her that he was always amazed by just how well they communicated when they weren’t communicating.

She nodded her head and smiled.

***

Many years later their adult grandchildren discovered them lying bed together, still holding hands and still smiling.

At the funeral everyone spoke about clear it was they shared something more special than most and that it made sense that they had left the world together.

Had it been possible for them to have attended their own joint funeral they would have and when the rabbi talked about how they carried their own world wherever they went they would have smiled.

He might have shouted something like “you don’t know the half of it” and then gone silent as she shushed him.

He would have definitely have stood up and said “we have lived a life” and smiled at her because they had and even when they hadn’t lived it together they had always been on each other’s minds.

Maybe it went the way it had to go or maybe not. Ultimately it went the way they wanted it to go and in the end that was enough.

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Time Stands Still

There are moments where time stands still and all I can do is smile because they are both magnificent and magical.

Sometimes there are other moments where it feels like the magic is a memory and I should let the moment fade because it is the right thing, the logical thing, the necessary thing.

Yet those thoughts never seem to last more than just a moment except the thing is they feel like forever whereas the magical and magnificent ones feel like a brief blip.

Sometimes I think there must be a scientific proof that explains it or a mathematical formula I can use to make sense of it all but I have never found one.

And so I stare at things like the words in the pictures below and figure some things cannot be measured and understood by scientific measures only.

Reason with heart relativity

Einstein has the right of it and if I told him about how one kiss can turn the world upside down and inside out there is no doubt in my mind that he would agree.

Yet his understanding and his support wouldn’t do more to change to my situation than to serve as proof I must see it through.

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What Drives You

If you think what drives me is looking back at the past upon what could have been you misunderstand me.

History provides an education and a foundation that I use to help make decisions but where I am driving towards isn’t in my rear view mirror it is what I see on the road ahead of me.

It is about going forward into the future I see.

Not about what once was but what could still be or to be candid, what I think should be.

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Midnight Thoughts

Don’t know what to say beyond that which has been said but feel the need to say more for no reason other than because. Could be MLBF, could be something else.

Might have to be a series of quotes for now, morning may bring other thoughts, ideas and desires. Or maybe just an excerpt from old posts.

Or maybe this will stand for a night and a day or beyond. No promises or guarantees offered.

destined for me
Reason with heart
friendlover
possibilityDare To Be

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Someday…Maybe

He looked out the window and stared off into space and let his mind wander where it would.

It wouldn’t be long before she got on a plane and headed off on an adventure without him. He was surprised by how it bothered him and had taken some time to try and puzzle out why it felt funny.

Hurt wasn’t quite the word because he wasn’t hurt that she was going and if she had asked he would have encouraged her to go. He was proud of her and there was no reason why she shouldn’t go.

Of that he was certain but it didn’t explain why that funny feeling had come to visit. So he tried to pull it apart in his head so that he could figure out what it was that was causing the discomfort.

The answer showed up unexpectedly.

It was a trip they had talked about going on together.  The conversation had taken place many years before and he supposed the memory had slumbered until this moment had woken it.

That was it.

He had always hoped to share the adventure with her.

The realization made him shrug his shoulders because it seemed silly to him, especially since it wasn’t like it meant it could never happen.

Someday…maybe they would go together.

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A Walk Through The Garden

garden
He held out his hand and asked her to take it so that they might walk through the garden and talk about the things that mattered most to them.

“The hardest thing of all for me is how little time we have gotten to spend together. I never can decide what I want to do most with and to you.”

She smiled and shook her head but before she could speak he interjected, “I know your mind on some thing and on this we agree.”

“What makes you think you are capable of speaking on my behalf. Maybe you are just hoping you are right.”

He smiled, shrugged his shoulders and told her he was speaking with his heart.

“The heart wants what it wants and perhaps I am wrong, but perhaps I am not. On this I won’t straddle the fence.”

And with that he started walking.

He wasn’t surprised to feel her fingers find his.

Together they walked through the flowers and continued to build something they had never experienced with any other.

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