What Is…

They say we want what we cannot have and don’t want what is…ours.

I have never believed that to be as simple as it appears because it suggests that people do not change their wishes and or desires.

I know because I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been in the place where I had a life with who I wanted and then after a time discovered I no longer wanted it with them.

And I know what it is like to want someone I couldn’t have and then to have them…almost.

There are stories I could tell about how it all came about and what happened to move the needle from one location to the next.

Maybe these are tales you would appreciate because you have experienced them. Of course experience isn’t an indicator of interest or necessarily a reason you would want to know more.

Some people just don’t care and the reasons why don’t matter.

So these tales I hold onto are in large part of me, parts and pieces I share because they help me understand what happened and why.

They help me recognize, organize and clarify wants and needs and that is enough for me to wish to continue with them.

***

She asked me what she could to help and I said nothing.

When I didn’t respond she asked again and still I refused to answer.

Eventually she got angry and said the courteous thing would be to answer.

“You can give your body to me. You can wrap your legs around me and submit.”

There was a long pause before I heard her decline. She tried to make a joke of it and said it was hard to do over the phone.

When I said there were simple ways to get around it and spoke a magical metal beast that would move people through the air she told me it couldn’t be.

And then I laughed and said it absolutely could and would be, if we only let it happen.

“It is not that simple.”

“It is exactly that simple and if you want to help me it is exactly what I want and need.”

“Sometimes you can’t get what you want or need.”

I told her I didn’t believe what she said and that I didn’t think she did either.

“You can say these things over and over but you will never convince yourself and if you are not convinced how can you expect me to be.”

“How very nice of you to talk for me.”

I pulled the phone from my ear and stared at it for a moment.

Part of me was prepared to explain that whatever there was between us was going to be there for life and it made no difference what we said, but part of me was angry about life in general so I didn’t say anything.

Didn’t say anything because what I really wanted at that moment was what I couldn’t have and wouldn’t ask for.

And a big part of me felt like I couldn’t say more, couldn’t admit how weak I felt or allow myself to be more vulnerable so I just put the phone down and started walking.

***

The emails came later and so did the explanations.

When the moment came and they found themselves in bed again she told him she wasn’t interested in his saying “I told you so” or any other sort of wise crack.

He nodded his head and they took care of each other again.

Days passed but they didn’t notice the time.

When she told him she regretted having had to wait for so long to spend real time together he nodded his head.

And when she the look on his face she pulled his head to her chest and held him close.

Later on he told her that he was always amazed by just how well they communicated when they weren’t communicating.

She nodded her head and smiled.

***

Many years later their adult grandchildren discovered them lying bed together, still holding hands and still smiling.

At the funeral everyone spoke about clear it was they shared something more special than most and that it made sense that they had left the world together.

Had it been possible for them to have attended their own joint funeral they would have and when the rabbi talked about how they carried their own world wherever they went they would have smiled.

He might have shouted something like “you don’t know the half of it” and then gone silent as she shushed him.

He would have definitely have stood up and said “we have lived a life” and smiled at her because they had and even when they hadn’t lived it together they had always been on each other’s minds.

Maybe it went the way it had to go or maybe not. Ultimately it went the way they wanted it to go and in the end that was enough.

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