It was The Worst Year Of My Life and the one I never anticipated, expected or hoped for.
But really, who hopes to experience the worst year of their life. Who wants to be able to say they went through hell and came out the other side for any other reason than because they had no other choice.
Certainly not me, I would never be the guy who chose to try to do so but somehow I found myself staring at a reflection of a man I didn’t recognize.
He was weathered and worn with sad eyes that sometimes showed flecks of the sparkles that once were displayed for all to see.
Sometimes he looked in the mirror and wondered how he could see a giant gaping hole where his heart used to be and not feel anything.
But every time he thought he felt nothing he was surprised by a jolt of electricity that made him recognize he and the pain of heartache were still intimate.
He never could decide if it was better to be numb or if it was a blessing to feel that shock.
Because being numb made it easy to forget while being alive made him remember all he had lost but also brought him waves of hope that maybe one day he’d find a way back to those sunny shores he saw in the rearview mirror.
That was how I made it through the days, by pulling myself out of reality and pretending it was happening to someone else.
It made it easier not to be so very angry and to not give into the belief that things would get better.
Sometimes he wondered when he had become so damn negative and so cynical but it never took long to figure it out,
Life was filled with the lies we tell others but the worst were always the ones we tell ourselves.
The worst year of my life made that ever so clear to me. I couldn’t tell you how many times I wanted to just lie down and let go, let someone else fight the battles.
It didn’t have to be me. It didn’t have to be like this.
But every time I tried to let go something inside me snapped and I got back up.
Sometimes I staggered to my feet, but I always heard the bell and I answered never knowing if I was too stupid or too stubborn to know when I was beat.
But ever hopeful that maybe this would be the time when I would figure out the answer.