Many Years Ago

He looked at something he had written many years ago and remembered how they said it felt like choking when they weren’t close.

Wondered in amazement how young and naive they had sounded and remembered they hadn’t been all that young or naive.

They might not have known about all that life can throw at people but they knew enough to feel confident making the promises they made.

So much had happened since then, so many ups and downs but if they were honest most hadn’t been the real deal breakers of relationships. They weren’t the kinds of things where you looked at qualities and characteristics and decided you couldn’t live with them.

Still, that detail hadn’t managed to be the thing that had driven a wedge between them. It had been other circumstances and yet she kept pulling hin in, like a magnet.

He didn’t understand how that could be. He had tried to kill the feelings, to stuff them down and pretend they were gone.

And once in a while, he believed they were, but the truth is they never disappeared. They just simmered beneath the surface.

It made him wonder if she felt the same way but refused to say so or admit it. It was hard to believe she didn’t. That didn’t mean he believed she would act upon them or that she wouldn’t.

If he didn’t know how to respond, well how could he expect her to.

And then he remembered telling her about the ache and empty feeling he got when she wasn’t close and how he could love and accept her for who she was. It made a smile cross his face and he wondered again if he would ever get to hold her one more time, if she would let him love her.

That last part made him laugh.

She could forbid him from doing so. She could say he wasn’t allowed and if she did, well he could use her own words against her.

They are my feelings. I can’t help my feelings.

She couldn’t force him to do anything anymore than he could force her.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do with any of this or about any of it. So he just lived his life and figured if the magic that brought them together was left in the world it might bring them together again.

And if it didn’t, well they created more good memories than bad together and that was a gift that not every one was given.

He didn’t plan on saying anything about any of it, just maintained his quiet but he still wondered if she could kiss him without feeling any thing.

Almost wanted to dare her to kiss and or sleep with him and then say she felt nothing.

But then again maybe it was better to be silent and pretend not to be interested in something more.

That magnetic pull might draw him in, but it wasn’t going to control him.

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