I wrote this post last year because I was reminded of something from a different post. Decided I would try to expand up on it for fun.
But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn’t really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I’ll always love you so
We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we’ve only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come”
Somewhere Down The Road- Barry Manilow
You ask why I am silent and wonder why I do nothing but stare at you. I don’t answer because I am not sure what I want to say yet, but I am pleased you aren’t intimidated by the force of my glare.
The intensity is radiating off of me in waves. Moments before I walked into the restaurant a crowd of people saw the look on my face and made space so that I could walk through the middle of the path unencumbered.
Like Moses parting the Red Sea they moved to either side and avoided making eye contact with me. I strode with purpose and intent determined to see you again. The first time in years, unsure and uncertain of how it would go I sat down across from you and took you in.
We were both older. Much had happened in our worlds and I wondered if we would discover that the changes were so great we no longer would have common ground. I wondered if we would be like two lovers who had once been and now were left with nothing to talk about except old times.
That conversation only lasts so long before you stop it. You can laugh once or twice at this and that and then you realize that your memory of something good is all that keeps you from walking out the door towards what is good in your life…now.
Here We Are
That is not how it went with you and I. That is not what happened to us. We talked and talked and the echoes of the future touched the burning embers of the past.
I wondered if you felt the sparks like I did or if you could hear the bells. I looked at your face and saw my girl and my woman. Asked you if you still loved me and saw the look in your eyes when you said you did.
Tried to keep a poker face so you wouldn’t be scared by my reaction because I knew that in your mind that love wasn’t enough for right now.
You weren’t sure about the timing. You weren’t sure about a bunch of things so you were doing your own tap dance. You were doing your thing to be cool.
We Can Be Friends
You said we can be friends and asked me if that was too hard. You said that was all you could give. I told you that you should kiss me and see if you felt something more. I wrapped my fingers in your hair and stuck my nose in your neck.
You kept your face turned, but your breathing wasn’t as even as it had once been. I didn’t have to put my head against your chest to know your heart was starting to pound. Didn’t have to do anything because the bells were going off at a rapid rate and I could hear your thoughts.
I didn’t push you to kiss me after that. I was confident that if I had you would have, but I decided it wasn’t necessary. You know the spark is there and you want to do something but the timing isn’t right for you.
That is ok. There is no rush.
If this is what I think it is then everything will fall into place as it should.
I Know Things
I do know things. I know that if I am right you will be in my arms again and that we’ll take each other back to the kingdom we once lived in together. We’ll walk through verdant green fields and stand upon rocky covered beaches watching the sunset.
This I know because the conversation between us is never ending and the trust grows deeper again. The song our hearts sing are slowly building towards a place where they will sing together again.
And together we will carry each other as we once did but with more appreciation, understanding and insight than before. The pain of the past is receding and we have already begun to heal.
When I see the silent tears slide down your face I will continue to kiss them away and then I will wrap you in my arms, pick you up and carry you because you don’t have to walk alone anymore.
And should timing prevail and I find myself told to stand on the outside than I shall do that because I have come too far to just walk away. Walked through miles of desert to find out if my heart was right or if my head was correct in its assessment.
If friends are what we shall be than that is what we shall be but I am not going to worry about that now.
Not going to worry or wonder because it is a waste of my time and energy.
Going to focus on enjoying the moments and being present. Going to tell you I love you still as I always have and that you don’t have to say it back to me. Going to say that there is real meaning in “I know things” and that sometimes we just have faith in that which we can’t see, touch or feel.
You are beautiful to me because I see the things you hide. You are beautiful to me because you are imperfect as am I. You are beautiful because we carry pieces and parts of each other and will for life.
We made the exchange a thousand years ago and a thousand years from now that won’t have changed. We will still know what others don’t and still share what others can’t.
Sometimes we will have danced in the fire and lived alone and apart but we will have done so knowing someone was always there to walk alongside when we needed them.
Fate Is A Fickle Bitch
If I believed in fate, destiny or karma I would tell you that she/he/it is a fickle bitch. I’d tell you the story about how we found each other again and that we found our somewhere down the road.
I’d tell you about how we filled a house more love than heaven would allow. I’d tell you how we forced time to stand still and how we took a minute and turned it into much, much, much more.
We jumped in a log ride and splashed down into that hokey tunnel of love people talk about. We did what they said couldn’t be done more than once. We hit the corners at breakneck speed and when we smacked into the wall we weren’t hurt because we went straight through it.
Can’t say if it was because of magic, love or basic physics but we knocked that fucker down and flew right back into the past and marched our way into the present.
We did it because we pushed fear and recriminations aside, figured out how to let go of the pain of the past and accepted each other for who we had become because who we were wasn’t enough to make it over the humps.
But we did it. We crossed over and rebuilt our secret world and built a newer, brighter and bigger foundation than ever before. We didn’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone but we did it nonetheless.
We proved to each other and to ourselves that what we had wasn’t fake, false or fleeting. We showed the world we had everything a man and woman would need to make it.
And then that fickle bitch fate decided to stir things up. She stuck that giant spoon into the big black cauldron and started stirring and she created one hell of a whirlpool. I told you to hold onto me and promised to swim to shore.
Every time I got tired I felt your arms squeeze me tighter and I found a little bit more was left in my arms. We hit the shore and collapsed in the surf.
It felt good to lie down and rest but while we slept the tide came in and swept us out to sea again except this time we weren’t holding hands. This time we got swept away in different directions and by the time I made it back to shore I had no idea where you were.
Where Am I?
When I hit the beach and realized you weren’t with me I didn’t panic because I could still feel your presence the way I always had. That made me relax a bit but I knew I had to find you so I set up camp and began figuring out what I needed to do.
Didn’t take long at all to figure out where you were but that didn’t prepare me for the big surprise. Somehow that fickle bitch’s whirlpool sent me back in time and I ended up back in that place where there was nothing but silence between us. It was the cruelest of cruel gestures, something out of a science fiction or fantasy novel.
Just when we had figured things out and were working in the present to build a place for the future I get thrown in the time warden’s jail. It is like one of those romantic comedies where the girlfriend/wife gets amnesia and the boyfriend/husband has to fight to get her back by getting her to fall in love with him again.
There are a million versions of them and I understand why they keep getting remade. Relationships never get old and people never grow tired of watching and reading about them. Lost and found love is so easy to relate to.
Back in my hut on the beach I sit and watch the sun set over the water. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of waves hitting the shore and smile. Life is filled with more than a few moments, some good, some bad and some inexplicably complicated.
I can hear your heart beat and see your smile. I can almost feel your touch but not quite. If I could bend time and space you wouldn’t be that far away. I call on the ghosts of Newton, Tesla and Einstein and demand their help but there is no answer.
That fickle bitch owes me a solid here or at least an explanation about why she did what she did. At the bare minimum I demand she give me a fighting chance but we all know that whether she does or not I am not the sort who lets adversity dictate his life.
If I play by her rules that means one step forward and two steps back but no one said I couldn’t mix things up a bit, give her a different look. Might mean looking foolish, but sometimes getting to where you go means you are willing to do a little dance, dirty or otherwise.
So you tell that fickle bitch that I am coming for her. Can’t say what will happen when I get there but I can promise I will.