I went to sleep frustrated and angry, furious about how things hadn’t worked out as I had hoped and prayed.
Or at least I tried to fall asleep, but this niggling feeling in the back of my head wouldn’t stop trying to force its way to the front of my mind.
I spent another ten or fifteen minutes rolling over and repeatedly tried to focus on something that would calm me down and soothe the storm roiling inside but it just didn’t matter.
Didn’t matter because what lay under the surface refused to be ignored. It kept pounding away until I got out of bed, went downstairs and sat on the couch.
Alone in the quiet of the evening I stared out into the blackness and asked for a sign, for some kind of signal that I wasn’t a bitter old fool.
And then I heard a fragment of lyrics and something happened.
I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?
I’m afraid that I’m not sure of
a love there is no cure for.
Well I think I love you – isn’t that what life was made of?
though it worries me to say, that I’ve never felt this way…
I don’t what I’m up against.
Just A Picture
If you asked me what set it off I might tell you it was just a picture and that it made my heart pound.
I’d tell you that some people age poorly and that others age well. Hell some improve and look even better.
I’d tell you that the moment made me feel like a kid and that childhood remembered can be bittersweet.
I’d tell you that I came up with a list of reasons why it was foolish to entertain such ideas and how I looked in the mirror and called myself an idiot.
Later on I sat on the couch again and decided there was no point beating myself up or trying to come up with a list of reasons to be angry.
No reason to deny what I felt and all the reasons to accept it.
I think I might have giggled out loud, ‘cuz I said something like “love will not be denied” and did so knowing that sometimes it is, but then again, sometimes it is not.
And then I had this image of me a in home made movie, sharing lines of poetry.
I could hear and see myself talk about the softest and sweetest lips I ever kissed, could feel the electricity and felt my face turn red.
The heat from the flush made me feel dumb and embarrassed so I tried to come up with a scientific reason for it thinking that would make me feel better.
Yet the best I could come up with was a quote from Einstein that didn’t really help me.
Because it made me imagine that Einstein was sitting there with me. I could see and hear his soft German accent telling me that sometimes you ignore science and go ahead with your gut.
“But Albert, that is not what a good scientist would do.”
“Albert, that is not how it works. You don’t just change the facts to fit your theory.”
“Don’t be a fucking moron, you don’t understand a thing. When you woo a woman, you don’t half-ass the woo.”
I’ll never know if that is really how he would speak or even close to what he would say. Part of me wants to say it is stupid talk, gibberish and yet another part of me says there is truth to it.
“Don’t half-ass the woo.”
Eventually I made my way back to bed and this time I was able to go to sleep because I knew what I thought, what I believed and why.
And though I couldn’t say for certain what would come of it I knew that once I stopped denying how I really felt everything felt…better.
And regardless of what came after, the relief that came with it was invaluable.