I Can’t Do This- Yes You Can

I won’t forget when she told me she couldn’t be with me any more.  It was the stereotypical kick to the gut and as painful as the lightning strike that brought us together was pleasurable.

Wasn’t the first time I had my heart broken but it was the worst.

Won’t get into all of the ins and outs about why or give you a rundown on every horrible thing I felt because you will either understand it or you won’t.

If you don’t get it then it won’t matter if I list how I sat on the floor in the dark and closed my eyes because I felt like I could feel her there with me. You’ll think it is cheesy and goofy if I tell you that when we were together I sometimes didn’t wash the pillowcase because I liked being able to smell her.

It made me smile and though it was never as good as having her in bed with me it was better than not smelling her.

If you don’t get it you’ll just call me weak and wonder what is wrong with me. Some of you will tell me to act like a man and shake your heads.

Truth is that I don’t care what you think. I can stand up against the world. It is not hyperbole. Been there, done that.

Except now I don’t need to prove it and I don’t want to waste time or energy.

And if you do understand what it is like to have your heart ripped out you don’t need me to tell you about what I lost when that happened. You get it.

But that is all behind us now because in the crazy twists and turns of life we found our way back. Some of it is because I refused to just let things lie, refused to accept the lines she kept feeding me.

I took a big chance in ignoring those because I knew that she might truly be serious. Even though my gut told me she was being mean because she felt like she had to and not because she wanted to I knew that sometimes your gut is wrong.

For years I swore that if I could get her alone for a while I could make her admit that she remembered. I promised myself that I would find a way to take my shot.

Swore that I would get her in a room alone and kiss her hard on the mouth. I thought about ways to do it. Planned it out and laughed at myself because it all seemed so goofy and ridiculous.

Played around with pinning her against the wall to kiss her and tried to balance it against just pulling her into my arms.

Wondered if she would kiss me back or if in turn I would find her angry and or scared. She might fight me, scream for help. The pinning thing works in the movies but not always in real life.

Did all I could behind the scenes to arrange for a meeting, to find a way where an opportunity would come up. And then life moved in my favor and things were arranged where we could potentially have our moment.

And when lightning struck again and we ended up in the same place I tried to be calm, cool and collected. Tried to be suave and debonair.

Wasn’t easy when my entire stomach was in turmoil and the gurgling coming from it sounded like thunder. Hard to be cool when you are hoping you won’t have to run for the closest bathroom.

And then I watched and waited.

Shocked her by asking her if she still loved me and when she said she did tried to kiss her only to be rebuffed.

“I can’t. The timing is not right. I am sorry.”

For a moment I was crushed again, wondered how I could come so very close and yet not be able to make it happen.

“Well, that is probably a good thing. I seem to be having a problem down below and I am worried that I can’t take care of you the way you need to be taken care of.

In retrospect it was kind of a silly thing to say, a ridiculous comment. I can’t tell you why I said it or what I hoped to achieve. You might think it was me trying to be manipulative, that I was trying to push her to find out for real if things really were working or not.

And had I not been feeling so damn lost maybe that is what it would have been, a sort of last ditch effort. But it wasn’t, at least not consciously.

Just saying this out loud makes it seem more ridiculous.

“I know you won’t kiss me, but I am worried about having to take Viagra so I am hoping you might give me a hand to figure out if there is really a problem or not.”

Yeah, that is as smooth as saying you owe me a night in the sack for no other reason than just because. While it may be true that stranger things have happened, it doesn’t mean that they could or would again.

A few weeks later we went out to eat and I spent half the meal entranced by how good she still looked to me and how much I still loved her.

It felt like this huge wave of emotion and I wondered if I was going to be smashed underneath it or if somehow I would find a way to swim with it.

So when we walked to our cars I took a chance.

I grabbed her, pulled her for a hug and waited to see if her body was going to be stiff against mine. I didn’t feel any tension in her back so I kissed her.

Kissed her and smiled because she kissed me back immediately.

“I can’t do this. The timing is bad.”

“Yes you can and you will.”

I think that is what we said, but who remembers the words in between kisses. She’ll tell you I was pushy and that I forced some issues and I’ll laugh.

Laugh because when she said stop I did and then she asked me why I wasn’t kissing her. I laughed, called her crazy and she laughed too.

“Shut up, I am not crazy.”

“Yes you are, you are nuts. You are a crazy broad but I don’t just love you, I fucking love you. I love almost everything about you.”

I almost choked when I said almost because I knew she would want to know what that meant, but I knew she was feeling what I was feeling. Knew that somehow whatever wall had been built between us had been knocked down.

And I told her that.

Told her that we had done something crazy. Told her that we had blurred the lines, crossed the streams and cemented something crazy, amazing and special between us.

“You know that we are family and that there will never be a time when we won’t be a part of each other.”

She asked me if that meant she was stuck with me and I said no, it meant I was stuck with her.

Time passed and all that was good between us got better and even the bad moved along too. There were moments where we fought and times when she wondered what the hell she had gotten herself into but when she closed her eyes she saw me waiting there just as I always see her too.

And when I told her that sex during middle age is a thousand times better than when you are younger she sort of rolled her eyes at me. 

“Baby, the major difference between then and now is that you can’t hold the same position with the same ease as before but we are so much closer than we were then and so much more comfortable.

I am not trying to make up for lost time. You just turn me on that much. I’ll want you just as much at 100 as I do now.”

She smiled at me, told me I didn’t have to use a line on her to get what I wanted and I smiled back.

“You know I am not. We don’t have to talk to know what the other is thinking. But I know you  and I know you like hearing how sexy I find you. You are more beautiful now than ever and most of all I am happy you are my girl.”

She smiled and squeezed my hand.

And then I closed my eyes and smiled too. 

What we learned here is that when we stop saying “I” and start using “we” everything works.

I Want You To Manhandle Me

I’ll never forget the first time I heard her say it or the mixture of shock, pleasure and excitement. I told her I was nervous about it and that I didn’t want to hurt her.

She laughed and told me she wasn’t weak, wimpy or prone to being broken. I told her that she didn’t understand how strong I was and that I was worried that I wouldn’t know where the lines were.

“I am not asking you to hurt me. This is not me telling you I want to be punched because I don’t want to be hurt.”

She looked at me to see if I understood, sighed and asked if she really had to spell it out.

I nodded my head and she told me that I didn’t have to make love to her every time and that sometimes she didn’t want that.

“You can be a man with me. I want you to let go and just pound me. A woman’s body is made to give birth to babies. You are a guy so you might not know how hard that can be on a body. Trust me, what you do isn’t going to be anything close to what happens during childbirth.”

I looked at her and smiled.

“I guess you must really trust me.”

She smiled back and told me I talk too much.

++++++

Sometimes I think about that moment and smile because in some ways the conversation was unnecessary. The chemistry between us was and is so powerful we can’t be close without touching each other.

In public we always tried to be good, but you rarely saw a situation in which we didn’t find a way to at least brush against each other. A million restaurant meals with our legs touching under the table or fingers grazing.

Tender and loving could morph into fast, sweaty and animal like.

She was never shy or uncomfortable with asking for what she wanted. Sometimes I would play with her hair and she would look at me and I would just know that I could grab a handful and tug on it.

If you asked what the secret was I couldn’t tell you. That chemical thing between us never disappears and even if we are sick, sad or angry it eventually pushes us to that place.

But there is an abundance of love and trust there too so you could argue that it is responsible for the chemical component. Hard to say, could be a whole chicken and egg thing going on.

Either way we are happy so what difference does it make how it happens.

Adventure Time

She looked up at me, licked her lips and gave a suggestive smile. I looked down and smiled back at her and waited to see what she would do.

For a moment we did nothing but stare at each other.

She shifted forward in her seat slightly and let her eyes wander down my body and then they shot right back to my face. I knew she was teasing me so I tried not to react. This was her playing with me, watching and waiting to see what I would do.

“What should we do?”

I smiled and said I am sure we’ll think of something.

She nodded and said she was sure we would but she didn’t move and neither did I.

Finally I couldn’t take it and I reached out and gently grabbed a handful of hair. I watched a smile flash across her face and disappear. Victory was close but not complete.

She wanted me to ask for what I wanted and I wanted her to do the same, to ask.

I told her that I wanted to go on a trip and she asked me where. I said I didn’t care as long as we weren’t racing from place to place. I wanted it to be relaxing.

She said it sounded good to her too and then there was silence.

Our eyes were locked on each other but no one moved and I felt the intensity between us ratchet up a few more notches.

“I have something for you.”

She snorted, “can’t you come up with a better line than that. Something a little more romantic.”

I laughed and told her it wasn’t a line and that it had nothing to do with the moment.

She laughed too and told me that in this particular situation I would say anything.

I laughed again and told her that I was serious.

“I won two plane tickets on a radio station contest called Adventure Time today.” I have to call them tomorrow and tell them if I am going to accept the tickets or sign up for the alternate prize.”

She smiled and then

My Arms Were Open

Sometimes I forget how strong the connection is between us and how much energy flows back and forth. Sometimes I forget that when things are off kilter for one of us it affects both of us.

And because I forgot the morning was a bit hellish ‘cuz when the one you love says they don’t think they can be with you it is hard not to remember to breathe and act.

Instead I reacted. Forgot that what you were asking for was for me to open my arms and let you lay your head on my shoulder. Forgot that you have learned to let me carry you and that when you are upset you come looking for me.

Got time to catch my breath and realized that I had made a mistake by not showing you that my arms were and are open. Can’t promise that I won’t make that mistake again but I do know that I will always catch my breath and figure it out.

And I did so I am reminding you that my arms are open.

Can’t guarantee it will fix everything or that you’ll find all of the answers you seek there but I feel confident about it. Got this funny feeling that I can’t describe, but it is the one that says we are ok and I am running with it because I have learned to listen to it.

Ripples

An excerpt from a story that was started but has no end…

She was perfect in her imperfections and I loved ever more deeply and passionately for them. I didn’t see worry lines or wrinkles in her face. To me they illustrated character and beauty and a wealth of wisdom that can only be earned by having been privileged to live for more than a few years. When I looked inside her eyes I saw a depth that didn’t exist elsewhere and in return I shared a smile that was reserved solely for her. While there is no doubt that there was some disappointment in not having been able to experience and share personal and private moments before that there were benefits that were born because of experience.

Among the very few regrets was the reflection she saw in my eyes didn’t accurately or effectively display what I saw or how I felt.

There were 5,000 words here a few moments ago. Five thousand words that talked about some people who once knew each other and told the story of how they fell in love and were devastated when they broke up.

It talked about how they went their separate ways and how shocked they were when a chance encounter led to the most unexpected reunion either one of them had ever imagined.

That improbable moment where he took a chance and asked her is she still loved him and she said yes and the moment that came later. The moment where he kissed her and felt the wall she had built around her heart come tumbling down.

He remembered laughing weeks later when she said she couldn’t believe she felt like she was addicted to him again. And when she looked hurt he pulled her close and whispered words in her ear that made her smile too because she knew it wasn’t one sided. Made her smile because she knew it wasn’t one of those relationships where one person loved the other more than the other.

There was balance.

And much later on when she told him it was over again he rolled his eyes at the phone and thought…”really.”

His frustration didn’t really lie with her any more than hers lay with him. Circumstances had made things difficult and external elements were applying pressure.

So when they both reacted he did his best to take a deep breath and then asked her what was really different that day than on any other particular day.

It wasn’t like anything significant had changed, at least given their current circumstances. She had the time and space she wanted so he wondered why they needed to further define things. He didn’t like that because he was worried it lead them away from each other instead of together.

So he told her that he wasn’t the kind of guy who just gave up when things got rough and said he could carry her through the rough waters and asked her to keep holding his hand. Closed his eyes and cursed under his breath because he knew that physical distance was working for and against him.

If he could go see her today there was no doubt in his mind that they would both feel better. It was always how it worked with them, they drew strength from each other.

But they couldn’t do that and part of him worried that it would make it easier for her to build distance. And distance from her always hurt, she was a part of him.

He spent some time thinking about what he wanted to do. Thought about what she said and made a point to tell her again that he loved her with all that he had and explained why he thought this was just a blip in time.

And then when she pushed back and sounded unconvinced he walked away to think.

That was when he made the decision to just relax because if he was right about everything it wouldn’t matter. If he was right then it really was just a hiccup and they had overcome much bigger things.

If he was wrong about it well then he would figure that out too.

So he closed his eyes and thought about ripples in a pond and how the ripples from our past sometimes reach out and touch us in the present and our future.

He couldn’t control her and make her do what he wanted which ultimately was ok because her independent streak was a big part of what he loved about her.

And then he thought of her as a “crazy woman” and started laughing because she always yelled at him when he said she was nuts. It was part of their routine.

He didn’t have to close his eyes to hear her say she wasn’t crazy or to picture the look on her face. She was always on his mind.

In the interim the one thing he could control was himself so he closed his notebook, turned on some Johnny Cash and went to go workout.

That Fire Burns

I see the look you give me when I take you on the couch, in the car, the bedroom and wherever else we find ourselves. You tell me you are not 18 anymore and ask me why I am not talking.

Your voice accuses me of just using your body and I tell you that to an extent I am. But it is not the way you think and there is nothing negative about it all.

It is because you turn me on in every way that a woman can excite a man. You make me feel crazed and in turn it is like we are the proverbial high school kids again. You tell me that you feel old and tired and I tell you that I don’t care because I love you more than I can say.

Words fail to express it the way I want so I turn to actions and some of those are indeed sexual. Some of those moments come from my desire to try to turn back time or to at least stop it. I hug you tight because your body is made to be pressed against mine. Some may call you mom but I call you all woman and I celebrate that you aren’t some young child.

Yeah, your body would be different if you hadn’t had some of those experiences. Parts and pieces might be tighter and or tauter than they are now but you wouldn’t be nearly as much fun.

Life has given you wisdom and confidence you didn’t have then. You let yourself go and give into the moment and the magic. You understand that it is not just ok but better when we just let go completely. Twenty-five years ago the girls might have been shocked and wondered how you could do those things and not just because they were dirty but because a man was manhandling you.

And now some would ask you why because they are stuck in boring and tedious relationships where they lie on their backs, close their eyes and count the minutes.

They have forgotten what happens when love is wild and passion is real. Forgotten what happens when they give themselves to a man and dare him to pound away because you understand that a body that can give birth is made for more than just soft caresses.

But we have those moments too.

We have those quiet, intimate and powerful moments and then we have others where it is raw, animal like and rough. We can go places others don’t reach because we dare to let the walls down and love with reckless abandon and because we are willing to give and receive.

Some don’t get it. Some don’t understand it.

I don’t care because the only one who needs to does and she is me and I am her. One person split into two reunited for brief moments in time that leave us breathless, spent and exceptionally happy.

The Bed

Rolled over in bed and reached out but my hand didn’t find you. Eyes closed I moved over, expected to feel my hand against your hip, but I didn’t.

Moved some more and expected to find a hand or leg but didn’t and then held still. Eyes still closed I listened and waited for the sound of a toilet flushing, water running and your footsteps leading you back to bed.

Smiled as I thought about how I would pull you against me and bury my face in your hair. Anticipated you complaining about my not letting you go back to sleep and then realized that all I heard was silence and the sound of my own breathing.

You weren’t here and you weren’t there.

Reached out and pulled a pillow in to my chest, pretended it was you, told the pillow I loved it and then called it frigid. Muttered to myself something about how frightening it would be if the pillow answered and then laughed.

Even though you weren’t there I could still feel you, smell you and I knew that somewhere you were thinking about me too. Closed my eyes again and told the morning air I would see you again…soon.

I Can See It

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

I don’t have to close my eyes to see you or to be in complete silence to hear your voice because you are always with me. You have been a part of me for so long now I can’t remember a time when you weren’t.

Can’t remember when things changed and the voice on the phone sounded strange because it was the one in person I expected. Can’t tell you when all of your gestures and movements became more real than those I had imagined because it all blends and blurs together.

I know how you think and what you like. Know what you don’t like and a million other little things about you, most of which I know because I just do. I just know these things about you because I understand you on a granular level, molecular even. I just get you. And I think that because you know this sometimes you get frustrated because I do things that don’t make any sense to you and when you are so deeply in love with someone you want it all to be easy.

You want it all to be easy, like some kind of school romance where you haven’t any real responsibilities and you can do what you want. Who doesn’t want that. We all miss that freedom. We miss the let’s have sex in every room, eat a pizza, watch a movie, have more sex and then just lie in bed and talk about our darkest fears and deepest fantasies.

I get it and I know where your frustrations lie and your anger.

It is harder this way. Hard when you are used to seeing someone all the time and you can’t just run down the road and be with them. Hard when you can’t hold their hand and talk about your day and just relax.

Hard because sometimes the world gives you everything you want and then takes it away from you. Hard because your best friend is your lover and then they simply aren’t there and you have to figure out who you are and what you are about again.

Hard because once you knew the answers to those questions and then life changed in the best and most profound way. Little people came into the world, filled you with joy and delight and you couldn’t imagine loving anyone like that.

And just when you thought you had passed the point of being madly, passionately, deeply and crazy in love lightning strikes and you can’t believe that just holding hands leaves your heart pounding.

I watched you watching me and laughed when my look was too intense for you.

It is hard to put it into words and to try to sort, sift and find our way through all this but not impossible.

Hard because it feels like time was a giant accordion that was stretched out and suddenly it was squeezed together and what was broad and expansive became small.

But love is like water and it can fill and flow through tiny holes. It is soft and giving and sometimes it is hard and can pound down upon you with incredible force.

And though I am not always good at doing and saying things the way you might hope, like or at the time you want I can promise that I do try my best.  Sometimes I might fall down at it, but I can also promise that no one will love you as I do or have and that it is something that continues to grow larger, deeper and foreverer.

Yeah, that is a word.

Close your eyes and you’ll see mine staring back at yours.

Look at your heart and you’ll my hands cupping it and know that I am doing my best to carry you and it because we are family.

And that you definitely said first. 😉