Monthly Archives: November 2015

The Truth & Lies Of Astrology

Inside a wooden frame the following words had once hung on a wall:

Taurus and Virgo:

Both earth signs share the ability to communicate and understand one another intuitively. Their conversations get better over time and so does the relationship. They will understand each other’s goals and hopes for the future. There is an unspoken bond here that once established, hardly ever gets broken. They will provide each other with what the other person instinctively needs and desires sexually. You can’t go wrong with this astrological combination, period. A strong attraction and loyalty will keep these two together. Relatives can sometimes be a problem for these two. Virgos understand that listening to their Taurus can provide them the sort of answers that they cannot figure out on their own. The smart Virgo recognizes that Taurus mate knows how to reach them in ways that no other can. Focus on healing yourselves and each other and you will have a mate for life.

It took a while for him to decide to take the picture off of the wall and even longer to move it from the house to the garage.

Of course that didn’t count the two times that he had taken it off of the wall and placed it in the dumpster outside.

Each time he had intended to let the trashmen pick it up and take it to the dump and each time he had waited until the last moment to race outside and rescue it from whatever fate it would have suffered.

Both times he had whispered angry words at the picture knowing full well that it had no capacity to respond or to even hear what it was he muttered at it.

But that didn’t stop him from saying whatever it was he said not that any of were privy to whatever it was he shared because it was never said loud enough to be heard by others.

And had someone asked he would have told them that if he wanted them to know he would tell them but he didn’t, so they wouldn’t.

So the picture sat inside the house in a corner of a closet where it lay in the dark not knowing if that was where it would stay.

Of course pictures can’t talk, think or feel and if they could maybe this one would have responded to whatever it was the man had whispered at it.

But no one knew if they would be words of anger or encouragement anymore than they knew how he would have responded.

It might have been with shock, surprise or understanding or perhaps a combination of all three.

Not that any of it mattered because pictures don’t speak and men don’t share what they don’t want known until they are ready for it to be heard.

That is the challenge of dealing with the truth and lies of astrology.

There are those who believe and those who don’t and somewhere in between are those who wonder if maybe sometimes there is something more to it than fantasy.

Maybe if you heard what he said you’d know where his thoughts ont eh matter lay or maybe you wouldn’t.

Sometimes life could fool you, but whether that was a good or bad thing all depended on what side of the shadow you stood upon.

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Dead Is Not Always…Dead

“I don’t talk to ghosts and neither should you.”

The funny thing about talking to ghosts is that it only works if you are talking about people and things that are truly…dead.

Some things go through seasons where they lie fallow and dormant but given time life finds its way back and small tendrils of green poke up through the earth and that which was black soon is covered again in flowers.

It made him think of Neruda.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

He wondered what Neruda would have said and if maybe he had stumbled onto common ground. He wondered if Neruda would put his hand on his shoulder and give him a knowing smile and nod his head.

Or would he say that the tendrils of green represented a new cycle and nee beginnings always meant to find new people.

But a man who wrote as Neruda did seemed to be the kind who would understand that love runs a different sort of race and is its own master.

You can’t tell it when to start or when to end. Maybe some loves did die but it was also true that some didn’t and the only question was what sort of companion love chose for itself.

But Neruda had been gone for more than 40 years so there would be no face-to-face discussion about his feelings. At best there might be a conversation based upon reading and supposition, but nothing more than that.

Just speculation based upon words that were written down long ago and the biased perspective of the life that someone else lived about whether dead is not always…dead.

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Just Let It In

It may have all been true and it may have been real but there is a difference between what once was and what is.

That is what the boy who got chills watching the Millenium Falcon thought and believed.

When they asked him who he was he said “no one of consequence.”

Not because he thought it would be funny to quote a movie and not because he was trying to be melodramatic but because the reflection he saw in the mirror did not match the one he saw in his mind.

To talk about who he had been was to subject himself to running into a wall over and over again. You can’t go back in time. You can’t change what has happened and you can’t sit on the wall crying because you got locked out.

You can only move forward into an uncertain future and make your way into becoming the person you will be.

Fear fools people into thinking that it can’t be better than what was and that you were is someone that is better than who you are now.

But if you take off your blindfold and look towards the sky you can see the opportunity to do more and be more is there.

Possibility can turn into opportunity but only if you let it in.

He looked around the room, confirmed that it was empty and screamed. Didn’t know if it was frustration, sadness or anger, maybe because it was a mix of all three.

A minute that felt like an hour passed and he raised his head and promised to no one in particular that he would go the distance because he would see what he had started through.

When they asked him what he had done he didn’t give any specific details, he just said he had walked away and never looked back.

“I don’t talk to ghosts and neither should you.”

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Holding Back

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is hold back and not say all that you think or know.

He always knew it, but didn’t always follow it. But when his gut started saying that funny tingling thing is back he quieted down so he could listen.

Amazing what can be heard when you close your mouth and open your eyes and ears.

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How Many Times?

“I am your friend and I have to ask you how many times are you going to let her break your heart?”

“I am not a scorekeeper, not keeping track.”

“You know you are an idiot. Women like to be wooed and pursued. She is going to yank your chain again because you keep letting her do it.”

“I like being called an idiot by a woman. You chicks flit from one thought to another about how you feel or think you feel under 873 different situations, only 3 of which are based upon reality.”

She laughed and shook her head.

“We are not all like that, we don’t all act like that.”

“Don’t start with the whole every woman is different thing. I know it.”

He walked over to his desk and picked up a card.

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That describes my attitude here. I don’t need agreement, validation or approval for what I think or how I feel. Anyone who has an inkling of understanding about who I am and what I am about understands that if I had to fight Satan, the US Army and the predator and alien creatures from the movies for her I would do it.

But only if I thought it was necessary and required. Only if I was convinced that it would make sense because I believed there was a chance.

“I go the distance.”

“That is what worries me. You’ll burn for her and you don’t know if you are doing the right thing. It doesn’t mean she’ll come back.”

“Maybe she never left. Maybe she only said she had because she felt like she had to go and she knew that I wouldn’t let go unless I was convinced.”

She shook her head.

“Don’t bite my head off for saying this, but there are other women who will love and take care of you. There are other women who you can be as happy or happier with. They don’t show up when you are looking. Go find some chick who wants to have nothing but fun. Go date, get laid and just live. Don’t worry about anything more than that.”

He smiled, walked over and hugged her.

“I appreciate your concern and I know you are looking out for me. But you don’t need to worry here. I am following my heart but I am not blind nor stupid. I don’t know where it is taking me, I am just following it and my focus is on my career. Everything else is secondary.”

This time she rolled her eyes at him.

“You are full of shit. You are still in love with her and you’re still thinking about how to be with her. You think that if you can just get her alone she’ll give in and that all will be well.”

“You are putting words in my mouth. I didn’t say that if I can get her alone she’ll give in. I call that unsolicited advice from you.”

She smiled.

“Do I think she’ll give in? Yeah, I think if she was alone she would but that is why I wouldn’t expect her to agree to see you. If I was her I wouldn’t.”

“I’ll take that as admission that women are crazy.”

She smiled and said something but a loud noise prevented him from hearing what she was saying.

“I can’t hear you over the noise of that truck.”

It took a moment for him to realize that not only could he not hear her, he couldn’t see her anymore.

And then he heard a voice screaming, “wake up asshole!”

He opened his eyes and wondered how long he had passed out for this time. He couldn’t remember whether he had been in the room for one day or one year.

One moment he had been jogging and the next he had been grabbed and thrown in the back of a van that had taken him straight here…wherever here was.

The beatings had started as soon as they had taken him and they had only stopped for as long as it took to move him from the van to the room.

At least he thought they had, he wasn’t really sure about much anymore.

He had managed to fight back a couple of times, but it had never done much to help him that he could tell.

The next time they took the hood off of his head he was going to do his best to figure out how many of them there were and work out a plan for getting out.

“Baby, I am here. Keep fighting, hold on we’ll find our way back.”

“You are not real! Fuck you and fuck all of this. I am going to kill you all!”

He heard laughter and felt the hood slip back over his head and realized he had forgotten to count how many of them there were or look around.

“Take a deep breath Johnny and relax. Anger and panic are your enemies.”

He didn’t recognize the voice, but the one that said “no quarter offered and no quarter asked for” was his.

And then the world went black again.

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Fear Of Lack Or Lack Of Fear

Long ago he figured out that one of the secrets to being happy was determining whether he wanted to after something because he wanted or needed it.

It didn’t always have to be an either/or situation, there were moments when it was both. That made determining how to respond to certain questions quite easy. If you want and need something you do what you have to do to obtain it.

The harder situations usually crept up when you weren’t sure if it was want or need. Need was something you definitely followed up on and want, well want was something you might chase.

Kind of depended on what it was and what was involved in trying to obtain it.

But the thorniest and most difficult of all situations was always tied into people. Objects were usually simple, you had the money, ability and or means to obtain it and that was that. But you can’t buy people, at least no one you ever really want or need.

People weren’t objects. People weren’t things. They were living, breathing, thinking creatures who could choose to be with you or to tell you to get lost.

Sometimes they could do both, tell you to go and stay. They didn’t operate based upon logic…most of the time.

Most of the time people made arbitrary decisions that were tied into fear of lack or lack of fear.

Sometimes he wondered where his decision making fell on that scale, but most of the time he didn’t. He was certain of where and what drove it.

Didn’t matter that he was convinced he was spot on about what he needed and wanted either because it wasn’t something he could fix on his own. All he could do was keep his eyes and ears open and enjoy the journey.

Not to mention not allow fear to drive his decision making in one direction or another. Whenever it was that he took his final breath he wanted to say he had done all he could to live a life that wasn’t based upon being a leaf in a stream.

He may not have always controlled where the current took him but it wasn’t for lack of trying to change or influence things. Sometimes you went with the flow and sometimes you went against it. But you did so knowing there were always people who would say you were wrong or misguided.

Life favors the bold.

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Was It Real?

There were moments when he looked at the present, thought about the future and wondered if the moments of the past that he thought influenced the present were other than he had thought they were.

Moments where he wondered if he had a bad case of denial and asked himself what sort of effect that would have upon things. Moments where he looked in the mirror and asked himself to prove that memory wasn’t affected by desire.

And then in the strangest of ways he felt like he got confirmation from a fictional hero, a movie character.

He played the words back in his mind, “It is true, all of it.”

It unlocked a flood of memories of good and bad moments and he didn’t just remember, he knew without a doubt that he was correct.

And then it didn’t matter what happened because he knew that he was on the correct course. Didn’t care whether anyone agreed or disagreed, whether they thought it was hokey or cliche because he was certain.

Didn’t mean that things would work out in any sort of fashion that resembled hopes or dreams but he was ok because he knew that he was following the right path and that was enough.

At the end of the day, when the lights go out and you are left with nothing but your thoughts and dreams, when you dive deep into your mind you have to have that.

That knowledge you did what you did because you were true and honest to yourself and with yourself. Understanding that you are an imperfect being, perhaps chasing perfection but imperfect and fallible.

Each day trying to do better than before with the knowledge that it life is never black and white. When you have that sense of self and you know that you are on your path you can always get back up and keep doing.

Because “It is true, all of it.”

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