Monthly Archives: October 2013

1,724 Days Or More

He couldn’t decide whether his body ached more than his heart nor could he figure out why she couldn’t just feel it radiating off of him. The thought made him laugh because he had told her more than once that he wasn’t a mind reader and that she shouldn’t get upset when she didn’t talk to him about what was bothering her.

But sometimes when two become one they get lost in the moments and the memories and forget about the limitations that sometimes prevent smooth communication between the two.

He stood up and this time he noticed that he groaned out loud, sore muscles reminded him just how long it had been since he had last played and how much time had passed since he had really been a twenty something year old kid.

Sometimes she frustrated him because she would pick and poke at him about nonsense and he couldn’t figure out why she would insist on trying to start fights with him. They weren’t teenagers any more and she didn’t need to act like it. He thought about telling her but didn’t feel like listening to her insist it was his fault or his problem.

Might not have been fair or entirely accurate but they were in a funny place. Those wacky circumstances had placed them back where they didn’t want to be and even though it wasn’t forever they reacted like it would be. It was a silly and childish reaction on their parts to be so damn melodramatic about how life could be cruel, so when she irritated him he shut his mouth.

Shut his mouth mostly because he didn’t want to fight or say something she would see as being mean. She might not realize it, but he did his best to protect her heart and hold it close to his.


Some hours later he found himself back in the car driving to no place in particular, just driving because it was the one place no one could reach him and he was in desperate need of quiet time.

Turned on the radio and heard Dylan singing The Wedding Song.

The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth
We’ll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth
What’s lost is lost, we can’t regain what went down in the flood
But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood

The words made him smile and he got lost in thought about her. This moment in time was proof to him that he was right about everything and that if just kept pushing along they would get to the other side.
She was judgmental, intolerant and impatient but she was his air, beautiful, sexy and his favorite pain-in-the-ass. She would roll her eyes about much of it, complain about his description and ask him to provide examples of her actions. She might even give him a list of things that he had done wrong too, but when push came to shove when he took her hand and pulled her in she would hug him back.
And in the quiet of the night when she felt his hand upon her hip she would always make a point to give herself and together they would move in a way that would make them forget they had ever been apart.
That was the truth and the reality. She would make a point to ask him when that moment would come and if he didn’t give her specifics she would complain.
So he would smile and tell her that he knew things and laugh when she told him she hated that. He knew it wasn’t her favorite thing but he also knew that she believed him and that as long as felt safe in his arms she would always come and she always did.
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The Hollow Feeling

June looked up at Johnny and shook her head.

“I am angry with you. You had no right to come here and do what you did.”

“You mean that I had no right to remind me that you love me and that the hollow feeling you have in your heart is there because I have go away for a bit.”

Her eyes narrowed and she gave him a look that comes from that place where anger and love meet.

“Yeah baby, it is hard and it is even harder because now you realize that I was right. Now you know that I was always right and you hate that I am sticking it in your face.”

He laughed and she hit his shoulder.

“Why would you do that. Why would try and piss me off? Men are idiots.”

He pulled her into his arms and whispered in her ear.

“Remember  that song Whiskey Lullaby and how it was hard not to watch the video and see us. Remember how many different songs we had that would give us that bittersweet feeling, well they aren’t everything any more. We have something more now, we have something we never had before.”

The silence that followed wasn’t awkward though it easily could have been.  He didn’t speak because he knew her wall had finally come down all the way and he didn’t want to make it obvious that he knew.

She would roll her eyes if she knew that the words floating through his head came from a baseball announcer but he didn’t care because they summed it up perfectly for him.

Impossible had turned into improbable and now they were faced with some hard choices and hard moments to follow. From his perspective some things hadn’t changed as much she might view them.

That was because he had heard her talking in the silence that had previously existed between them. When she told him to go away and to stop believing he had ignored her because he knew that she didn’t mean it, even if she thought she did.

He thought about it and had to laugh.

It sounded awful. Sounded wrong and patronizing but he didn’t care because she knew how it was meant and it didn’t matter what anyone else thought.

He looked at their picture and studied their faces. They didn’t look like kids any more but they certainly didn’t look old. Looked at their picture and thought about how they could have decades together. If he mentioned it to her she would say there was no guarantee that those decades would be healthy ones.

She would talk about how they could be decades of taking care of a person or persons who were in failing health and he would laugh because it is what he did.

“June, we both know that story. We have seen what it means and understand that it can be pretty nasty. Hell, I don’t want to be an invalid and have anyone take care of me like that. I can barely tolerate not being to do what I used to do now..

But I can’t look at life like that. You can call me a fool for saying that my genetics lead me to believe I’ll be around for another 90 years. Maybe I won’t, but between that, modern technology and my promise I plan on enjoying decades of being able to love, laugh and live. Old Johnny has a lot left in the tank and maybe 50 years from now I might have to consider wearing one of those diapers.”

She shook her head and asked him why he would even think about that.

“Well I figure that around 90 or so I probably won’t move quite as quickly as I do now. If I am sitting in my chair watching the ballgame I might have to choose between pissing my pants or missing a play. So I figure hell, there was a time when I was a kid where I didn’t let silly things like having to pee stop me from enjoying life why not try it again.”

The look of horror on her face made him roar with laughter.

“Baby, I love knowing that you hate sports and the idea that I would piss my pants so that I didn’t miss anything makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Well, I am not going to tell you if I am serious or not but I am serious about one thing. I want to horrify the kids, grandkids and great grandkids with stories about their horny elderly relatives.

Can’t wait to talk about how you really broke your hip and why it makes me so happy when you take your teeth out.”

He tried to say something else but she couldn’t quite figure out what, he was laughing too hard, And she was trying far too hard not to smile because that would only encourage him.

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Cruising Down Rainbow Road

I remember making love to you that day. Your body was with me but your mind was elsewhere and I wondered if perhaps I wasn’t doing something right.

Things had never been like that before with us. I had experienced it with other women, had been there and known that they were planning out their day, thinking about laundry or something else while waiting for me to finish but never had that moment with you.

It made me angry and I thought about stopping but decided that would make me angrier and so I held on more tightly and was rougher. You were like a little rag doll in my arms and in the midst of the storm inside my head you looked up and smiled at me.

Disarmed and amazed it moved me into whatever place we occupy in the moment before completion and then lights exploded in my eyes.

Hours later you were gone and I was truly alone with my thoughts thinking about what had happened, thinking about twenty years before.


“Johnny, can you do it again? Are you ready? Let’s try a different position. Can I do anything to help you baby?”

The guys had never said anything about girls liking sex like this. None of them had ever said a word to me about not being able to keep up, probably because it was embarrassing. We were supposed to be in control here. We were supposed to set the tone.

I wasn’t exactly upset about having a girlfriend who never said no and who was willing to do anything. It was kind of cool and even more fun because no one ever would have guessed she was like this.

Her hands pulled me back into bed, coaxed me to life and we went at it…again.

“Baby, that was five times. We need to set a new record!”

It was dark in the room but I didn’t need any lights to see the twinkle in her eyes or to hear the smile in her voice.

“June, you really don’t need to tell your friends everything do you?”

She giggled, “I don’t tell them everything.” Her voice trailed off and I felt her trying to make things happen again.

“I am tired. Let’s go again in the morning.”

She laughed again, “he is not tired and neither are you. We can sleep later and I promise I’ll make it worth your while. You tell me how you want this and we’ll do it.”


“Johnny, I am not that flexible anymore, be gentle.”

“I remember the girl who told me there would be time to rest later and I remember telling you that your words might haunt you later.”

She met the challenge handily and smiled at me.

“I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this will be quick and that if you do what I want you can do what you want.”

She laughed, “you’re a man, it won’t take that long.”

It wasn’t a taunt or a dig and it was said with love but I was determined to make her understand that I was different.


Different was the appropriate word because neither one of us were who we had once been. Many years had passed between then and now and time had taken its pound of flesh.

The obvious part was easy to see as our bodies and faces didn’t look like they had. There had been some moments that would have horrified the younger versions of us. No one had ever expected that age would force us to adjust some things but back then we wouldn’t have understood how it wouldn’t bother us now.

Back then love was wild, unfettered and free.

No responsibilities to others. No reason to ever think about anything but the moment because the moments were part of an endless rainbow road.

But time had taught us differently and we had been captured within its limitations.


“I want a plan. I want to know what happens now. Tell me how this works.”

I smiled and kissed her.

“I am not that girl. You can’t just take me to bed and expect me to sleep with you. I expect some answers.”

I smiled again and kissed her. For a moment her lips were hard against mine, “I don’t care if you participate now or not because I will have you.”

She kissed me back, “don’t think that you aren’t going to answer me mister.”

I stopped kissing her and walked across the room.

“What do you think you are doing? You don’t get to start things and then stop.”

She pulled me back to my feet and wrapped her arms around my neck.”

“We are going to do this and you are going to answer my questions.”

Laughter bubbled out of me and I flashed a wicked smile.

“Oh no, I am not doing that. It is not going to happen.

I sat back down and smiled again.

“You are not the boss here, I am.”

I laughed again and pulled her onto my lap.

“I am the boss and if you don’t ask it won’t happen.”

She rolled her eyes at me, “Baby, will you make love to me?”

“Of course I will.”

I surprised her by picking her up in my arms and carrying her to the bedroom.

“If you say one word about being too heavy or hurting my back I will say you are right,so  don’t.”

She smiled again and I saw a familiar twinkle in her eyes.


“Johnny, I am waiting for you to tell me what is different about now and how this is going to work.”

I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.

“Baby, we are cruising down Rainbow Road now. I can’t give you every detail but I can tell you that our history proves we can figure it out. Heaven and earth moved for us to have this moment. That is not a line. I don’t need any to have you, but you know that. Close your eyes and you will see my eyes staring back at you.”

“Johnny, that doesn’t answer the question.”

“Yes it does. This happened. It came out of the blue, unexpected and unseen but definitely wanted. This moment is how I know. We are not done, we are just in some sort of transition.  For years you refused to have anything to do with me, wouldn’t take my calls, answer my emails or even acknowledge I was alive.

This proves everything.”

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