Monthly Archives: July 2013

Time Has No Meaning

You don’t have to tell me what you are thinking because I hear your thoughts. I know you are waiting for the hammer to come down and that you are hoping that somehow it doesn’t.

I know you are wondering if I haven’t shared all of my thoughts and told you all that I am doing, that you are trying to prepare yourself for the news that you don’t want. I know you are wondering if one day I will shatter your heart again and that if I tell you I must go your plan is to walk away because anything else would be too hard.

But that day hasn’t come and might not ever.

We are older than we once were and the time that we lost during the empty season won’t ever be recovered but we know how quickly we resumed our places that time has no meaning for us. We could be separated for a million years and it would take nothing more than our hands brushing against each other to remind us of who we are.

The physical connection can be severed but nothing else can and that is why time has no meaning.

I heard your heart crying out for mine and I found you. And though you had surrounded it with stone and ice I still marched back in and I could do it a thousand more times if I had to.

That is not the point, goal nor purpose.

I am not asking you to do anything other than hold my hand and walk with me. Don’t wonder about what might happen because none of this was ever supposed to be like this. There is no reason, logic or rational thought that can explain it.

It just is.

And instead of following my nature to swim upstream and fight the current I am taking a different tack. I am swimming with it and trying to use nature’s strength to complement and power my own. Let the water help me cut through the rocks in our path and let’s see what comes of it.

We are too smart not to take advantage of our resources and too strong not to withstand a momentary hiccup.

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What Do You See

Sometimes when we kiss I open my eyes to watch you kiss me. Sometimes I stare at you while you sleep and smile because I can’t believe you gave yourself to me.

I watch you walk and pay attention to the little things you do and say because I can’t get enough of you. Never get bored spending time with you and know that won’t change. Don’t know how I know any of these things, just that I do and that for some reason you feel the same about me.

When you wrap your legs around me and pull me in deeper I see a look in your eyes that mesmerizes me. There is a light that shines in them that comes out even brighter then and I can’t get enough of that either.

You tell me that you are not twenty any more and that you can’t do somethings you used to do, aren’t as flexible as you once were and i laugh. I tell you that I am not either but we are going to make up for lost time and we are going to do everything we never did.

And then I take you and laugh because you tell me you were wrong and that we can turn back the clock. I tell you that I am going to wear you out and you laugh again. It is a very pleasant laugh, fulfilled and dripping with love but it contains a silent challenge. You think my gender and age means that I can’t do what I say I will do and I tell you not to challenge me.

Because I have your heart and your head and that is the difference between the really young and those of us who have lived. We may not have all of the physical capacity and strength of our youth but we have a depth to us that we didn’t have then. And that depth provides a level of comfort that makes it possible to go places we never could have reached before.

It is how we create our own world and it is a big piece of the magic. It is part of why you sometimes cry when you are happy about being with me. I know it is never happened before and I don’t mention it during the moment because sometimes the best way to be present is to just be.

And I am grateful for it. Grateful because you remind me every day of what life is meant to be like and how one person can change everything in the most profound and positive ways.

Electricity is what I think of when I hold your hand on the couch. Such a simple gesture and so much goes into it. Every time you hug me I feel you melt into me and I wonder if we stayed like that if we would ever notice being hungry or cold.

This is what is, what was and what shall be. We aren’t supposed to say never but I can’t think of a time when we won’t feel like that because decades pass and the feeling never does.

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Fade To Black

“If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.
Now I’m at a payphone…”

I tried to eat my gun. Stuck it in my mouth and tried to figure out the angle because you don’t want to mess this up. Pull the trigger, end the madness and fade to black is the only way I want this to end.

Can’t risk messing this up, failure isn’t something I can live with.

That is kind of funny in an odd sort of way. Can’t live with things the way they are now, why would I worry about that future. Someone told me it makes no sense to give up when you are healthy. They said if everything works than there is always a chance, an opportunity to fix the things that are broken.

They said that suicide is selfish and painful to all who are left behind. I wanted to tell them it was more selfish to ask me to stick around. I rip open my chest so they could see the gaping hole where my heart was torn out because maybe they would see the cancer inside and figure out how to destroy it.

But I didn’t because they wouldn’t really understand, couldn’t really understand what black and empty feels like or how a broken brain doesn’t work the way it should. How it is so fucked up inside I can’t see clearly and don’t remember a time when I could.

Death holds no fear for me. That Grim Reaper doesn’t frighten me nor does the thought of what might happen to my immortal soul because I know I don’t have one. It is a myth, a childish dream that people tell themselves and others so they feel better about what happens when they go to take their eternal dirt nap.

But I know better. There ain’t shit after life and since life is shit I got no reason to force feed it to myself. Got no reason to let these people rape me. Yeah, I know some people say I don’t get it, that my anus is intact and that if something hard, barbed and sharp was jammed up there I might feel differently, but they don’t get it either.

You  can’t take drugs to fix what broke inside of me. You can’t heal what doesn’t exist. Broken beyond belief is what they would say, if they were truly honest.

So what is selfish is asking me to hang around when I got nothing, am nothing, will be nothing. Selfish is what you call those who try to scare me with talk about some horned supernatural creature.

Death won’t fix what is broken but it won’t hurt no more either so death is where I got to go.

Fear of dying isn’t what has stopped my hand, just fear of fucking it up and surviving what I do to myself. That is what scares me, being trapped longer inside this broken vessel.

I’d say it was fun, but it wasn’t. Won’t say goodbye either because I don’t like those either. Just taking time to slip out the back and then slip away,

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I Knew Rick

“I wasn’t trying to make you cry, but I know you want to know more about what I did when we weren’t talking. Casablanca was a staple, I always felt like I knew Rick.”

Johnny looked at June and tried to reassure her with a smile.

“Baby, it is ok. You don’t have to say anything or explain. I understand.”

“I feel so guilty, I didn’t want to hurt you. I just shut down. It is still hard to believe that you are here now, and that we are back. What would you have done if I had said no?”

Johnny laughed.

“Why are you laughing? it is not funny. I want to know.”

“June, you aren’t going to like it but I ignored most of what you said. Think about it, a couple of times you got really nasty and told me to ‘fuck off’ and never contact you again. But I didn’t care.

I just knew that you didn’t want me to go but that you couldn’t deal with it then. I could tell there was too much going on and figured that sooner or later I could have that moment.”

She pursed her lips and he waited to see if it would be a storm or show.

“Part of me thinks I should be angry with you. What do you mean you just ignored me? That really isn’t nice, it’s disrespectful. And how arrogant to think that you could get me with one moment.”

“June, I don’t mean to laugh, but you are not angry now. This is all show on your part. Of course I didn’t know for certain. People rarely act based upon logic and you are a prime example. But my gut said that if I could get some time alone with you that you wouldn’t stay angry. The thing that has always made us different is that we like each other.”

“Johnny, you still haven’t answered the question. What would you have done? I hate when you play this game.”

He laughed again and took two steps backwards.

“Where do you think you are going? I expect an answer?”

“I’ll give you one…someday, unless you really want to know now.”

It wasn’t really a question, he already knew that she would want her answer now.

A heartbeat later  Johnny’s cellphone rang and he watched her eyes narrow, her expression made it clear that she expected him to let it go to voicemail.

“Baby, I have been waiting for this, I have to take it. It will be quick.”

Three minutes into the call he felt her hand loosen his belt and work on his zipper.  He heard her whisper that she knew how to get his attention.  He tried to move away, but she wasn’t having it.

“June, this is business. I need just a moment.”

She chuckled, “a moment is all I need.”

Johnny closed his eyes and tried to compose himself. He knew that no matter how this worked out he was in dangerous territory. He really had intended to answer the question there. Maybe he should have ignored the call, but sometimes hindsight is 20-20.

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Right Here, Right Now

“Baby, I promised that one day I would come for you and I did. I don’t know what to tell you about the future other than what I have already said. Love me today, love me tomorrow and let the chips fall where they may.”

I can’t say those are the best words to share with someone who upon occasion has referred to herself as the queen of low expectations. I knew it would lead to a million more questions and some unspoken worries but I also know that it is more important to be straight with her.

When you look at a decade of history and think about the people you have gone to hell and back with you have to account for the contradictions that come with it,  call them fatigue and strength.

You can’t always determine in advance which will be which or if there will be a combination of the two. Sometimes the mileage shared is enough to keep the magic going because you know that your bond is strong enough to help you weather the hiccups and challenges that life throws at you.

And sometimes that is not enough. Sometimes you are worn out by life and you let go because you just can’t continue doing what feels like the same old thing.

“Sweetheart, that sounds like you are leaving. Promise me you won’t. Promise me you will stay. I love you. If you go you’ll break my heart.”

I smiled at her and wrapped her in my arms.

“Do you really think after all I have done I would just walk away. Do you really think I could just give up? Not going to happen. I can’t say for certain what will but I don’t worry about it much.”

I watched her face and saw her analyzing what “much” meant.  Her eyes narrowed and I saw her inhale deeply and prepare to rattle off whatever she was thinking.

But I didn’t let her get it out because I made a point to kiss her before she could start. She kissed me back but pounded my chest once or twice just hard enough to let me know she wasn’t pleased but not enough to make me stop.

The moments passed and then she pulled away.

“I am not happy with you.”

I smiled broadly, “come to the bedroom and we will fix that.”

“That is not fair. You know I am not going to say no and are taking advantage of me.”

I laughed, “damn right I am. I plan on taking advantage of you until I can’t do it anymore.”

“Mister, I am not stupid and you are not getting away with not talking about this.”

I turned around and told her to meet me in the bedroom or to let me know if I should go shower. She walked in after me and told me I had a very short window of time to do what I wanted before she would make me speak.

I probably shouldn’t have laughed and I definitely shouldn’t have said “relax” but I just couldn’t help myself.

She lay down on the bed and told me that since I was being a jerk she wasn’t going to participate.

“Does that mean I have to do all the work here? Geez woman, that is rough.”

I lay down on top of her and started kissing her but she refused to kiss me back so I turned to her neck.

“Baby, we have right here, right now. That is our guarantee and almost nothing else is certain. The plane might crash, I might get hit by a bus or I might win the lottery. I am working with what I know.”

She looked up at me, “know then that you better work your ass off to stay. It took so long to get to this place, I don’t want to lose it.”

I smiled again, “have faith in us and in our ability to figure things out.”

Just as I was about to go on she told me that I talked to much and wrapped her legs around me and then I was the one couldn’t speak.


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