Changes Ever Coming

The minutes turned to months and the months to years far faster than he ever imagined they could.

That is because time is a fickle beast that knows how to make it feel as if 60 seconds are a true blink or an eternity.

The conversations had restarted between them and though he wanted to view them as being the launching pad to his great desire he refused to allow that thought entry.

Better to have no expectations that could lead to disappointment. Easier not to have hope dashed because if lightning struck yet again he could enjoy the surprise that much more.

Still he would never lie and say that tendrils of hope didn’t occasionally try to push their roots into soil.

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A Moment

He looked at the screen and saw the picture and green light that showed they were both online at the same time.

Thought about whether he could type a note saying what he really thought and felt and wondered why he was holding back.

Was it fear or intuition?

His head and heart agreed timing was everything and guaranteed if he caught her at the right moment all things were possible.

But it could easily go the other direction too, that is the point of all things being possible.

So he stared the icon and asked himself about possibilities and told the universe if he got a good sign he would do something and take a risk.

The clock was ticking and there was only so much time left. The question was would they play any of it out together or would it be forever relegated to what might have been.

If you asked him what he thought in his heart-of-hearts he was convinced there was more to play out and even though he couldn’t say how it would go he was certain that the final notes hadn’t been heard.

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And Then Came

His phone buzzed and he was pleasantly surprised to see her picture.

“You used to call me your ‘dear one’ I wonder what you call me now. I suspect it might be something closer to the former than you might like me to be aware of.

Her picture didn’t respond so he continued.

‘Yeah, I know it is weird to talk to your picture but thus far I have had no reason to push because I always figured you’d wake up one day and decide it was time to see me.

And by decide I mean you’ll tell me it is my fault it has taken so long, You’re a pain-in-my-ass but I must like you because you are still around.

Maybe you say the same about me.

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A Sudden Unfriending

A sudden unfriending doesn’t mean that the one who unfriended is suddenly less interested or attracted to the person they let go of or at least pretend to have.

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Still Waiting

No one tells you how long transitions will take so you wait and discover for yourself the impact of anticipation versus expectation and reality

Whatever the hell that means anyway.

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Wait & See

Time passes and days apart turn into years leading to questions about whether it makes sense to wait and see.

They connect and disconnect and yet never completely let go of each other leading to significant questions about who is doing what and why.

Maybe she really didn’t love him anymore and wanted him to go live his life without her. Maybe she did love him but felt like she couldn’t give any more than friendship from a distance.

Or maybe it was it all of that, none of that and something in between.

You could argue there was no way to know without taking a wait and see approach or suggest that the best you could do was focus on actions taken and nothing else.

He wanted to take definitive action to move ahead one way or another but refused to act unilaterally.

Not out of fear but because his gut said otherwise and that was enough for him to move with purpose and act decisively but not impulsively.

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Weaving Words

Somewhere in the weaving of Gut Feelings, Asked and Answered and Forbidden came a sense of a need to talk about timing and hope.

A sense of maybe the moment of hope was fantasy moving towards reality and the sense said all would unfold as it should.

But what that really meant wasn’t clear and he found himself on wobbly ground, wondering if he could have the real conversation he wanted or whether he should.

Would it provide the clarity he wanted or just muddy the waters some more.

Maybe it was best not to plan or act and just see.

He was a fool, but what kind of fool was yet to be revealed.

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Gut Feelings

It had been forever since they had a private conversation in person.

It hurt his heart sometimes to think about how long it had been against all that had happened.

They had been to hell and back and survived so it seemed impossible to him that it couldn’t be done again if only the will existed.

He asked himself if the reason she refused to see him was that it was too hard and every time he heard himself say yes. When he asked himself if it was possible she was serious and that he was fooling himself he said yes again…but.

She wouldn’t be happy to hear him say he was ignoring it but he was and he wasn’t.

He was convinced it the ‘no’ wasn’t because she really wanted to say no but because she felt obligated to say it. So while she meant no she didn’t really want to say it.

It didn’t mean she would feel that way forever or that he would wait forever. Hell, he couldn’t explain why he hadn’t done more to just walk away any more than he could explain why she hadn’t.

That inexplicable and illogical choice was a significant part of why he was convinced she wanted to run into his arms and yet also intentionally stayed far away.

He figured she found reasons to be angry with him and had made a list of things he did that she found annoying. It made the distance easier.

But it didn’t change his not buying it. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and logic means nothing.

Damn heart was and maybe is stupid.

Didn’t help that she looked phenomenal the last few times he saw her or that when she passed by he could smell her perfume. Smell and memory are closely tied together.

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And So It Goes

He stood six feet behind her and tried to focus upon the speaker but was consistently distracted by how intoxicating her presence could be.

There was a time not so long ago when she said the same about him and promised to do whatever it took to be by his side.

It was the kind of partnership they had yearned for their entire lives and yet only a few years later they were as close and as far apart as they had ever been.

She had never explained to his satisfaction why she had broken it off and any time he had tried to find out she had stonewalled his request. So he did his best to accept what she said and take it at face value.

It was possible she still had feelings and was choosing to act otherwise and it was possible she didn’t. It was possible this was temporary and possible it was forever.

The plethora of possibilities wasn’t particularly helpful for a broken heart. It didn’t make him feel any better to know there was a possibility that things could turn because it was possible they might not.

His head told him to suck it up and move on and his heart screamed at him not to be an idiot.

“There are other fish in the sea. Don’t get hysterical and say she was our fucking ocean because there are other women. She was your girl and now she isn’t.”

His heart responded coldly, “if it wouldn’t hurt me too I would shove an icepick up our nose and right into your fat self.”

The interplay between the two made him snort and he went back to listening to the speaker.

But he kept staring at her long legs and remembered what it felt like to have them wrapped around and the sound of her voice whispering in his ear.

He remembered promising her to never let go and asked himself why he was acting like some lovesick teen.

If life were like a movie he would tell her he still loved her and ask for her hand.

She might hesitate to give it and he would say how much they had been through and ask why that wasn’t enough to get them through future humps and hurdles.

Always had been before, why not now.

It could work. If she really heard him and was open to love she might walk into his arms and remember.

Or she might tell him to move on and go away.

Isn’t it nice to see some things never change.

We’re still boys and girls who try to do our best to have simple and uncomplicated lives but discover it is just not that easy.

The heart may want what it wants but there is no guarantee it will get it.


A short while later he left without having said a word to her. As he walked to the car he wondered if he was doing a good impression of Rick at the end of Casablanca or was more like the Cowardly lion.

Five miles down the road he wondered what perfume she had worn.

He had intentionally not gotten close enough to smell her. It would have been easy to get close enough to smell without invading her personal space but he didn’t want her thinking he was trying to be pushy.

And he didn’t want to be tortured by the smell. She always smelled like home to him and unless she made herself his he didn’t need to remember.

Time was what he needed.

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Fat, Dumb & Stupid

He was known for having no self-awareness and for being a bully.Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

He was excited today because a woman he had lusted after for years had paid attention to him. Every time she said his name it made his heart soar and he wondered if maybe this time she would let him touch her.

How many hours had he spent dreaming about her? How much time had he spent researching her, trying to find everything he could about her online so that he could figure out a way to impress her.

Impressing her was a big deal to him because he knew that women like a man who paid attention to details. It was the reason why he had snuck into her bedroom and gone through her clothes.

He figured if he knew what size she wore and other intimate details it would be of great help.

The only thing was there was another guy who she sometimes paid attention to. He was fairly certain that they had had some kind of relationship in the past and that made him angry and jealous.

This other guy had no business getting involved. Who was he to insert himself into his potential future love.

It made him very angry, not just because he was jealous but because the other guy had called him a stupid oaf and made him look stupid in front of her.

That would never do so he had spent months researching this other guy because he knew that if he got enough information together he could show her how bad the other guy was.

No one could call him an oaf or stupid. He wouldn’t stand for it. He hadn’t spent years in school getting an advanced degree to be called stupid. It didn’t matter that anyone could do it if they just showed up, that degree was worth something.

It proved he could do something with the law besides break it.

So he plotted and schemed about how to get her and how to get him.


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