Many Years Ago

He looked at something he had written many years ago and remembered how they said it felt like choking when they weren’t close. Wondered in amazement how young and naive they had sounded and remembered they hadn’t been all that young or naive.

Wondered in amazement how young and naive they had sounded and remembered they hadn’t been all that young or naive.

They might not have known about all that life can throw at people but they knew enough to feel confident making the promises they made.

So much had happened since then, so many ups and downs but if they were honest most hadn’t been the real deal breakers of relationships. They weren’t the kinds of things where you looked at qualities and characteristics and decided you couldn’t live with them.

Still, that detail hadn’t managed to be the thing that had driven a wedge between them. It had been other circumstances and yet she kept pulling hin in, like a magnet.

He didn’t understand how that could be. He had tried to kill the feelings, to stuff them down and pretend they were gone.

And once in a while, he believed they were, but the truth is they never disappeared. They just simmered beneath the surface.

It made him wonder if she felt the same way but refused to say so or admit it. It was hard to believe she didn’t. That didn’t mean he believed she would act upon them or that she wouldn’t.

If he didn’t know how to respond, well how could he expect her to.

And then he remembered telling her about the ache and empty feeling he got when she wasn’t close and how he could love and accept her for who she was. It made a smile cross his face and he wondered again if he would ever get to hold her one more time, if she would let him love her.

That last part made him laugh.

She could forbid him from doing so. She could say he wasn’t allowed and if she did, well he could use her own words against her.

They are my feelings. I can’t help my feelings.

She couldn’t force him to do anything anymore than he could force her.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do with any of this or about any of it. So he just lived his life and figured if the magic that brought them together was left in the world it might bring them together again.

And if it didn’t, well they created more good memories than bad together and that was a gift that not every one was given.

He didn’t plan on saying anything about any of it, just maintained his quiet but he still wondered if she could kiss him without feeling any thing.

Almost wanted to dare her to kiss and or sleep with him and then say she felt nothing.

But then again maybe it was better to be silent and pretend not to be interested in something more.

That magnetic pull might draw him in, but it wasn’t going to control him.

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Words In My Head

There is this crazy idea floating around inside my head about the conversation I want to have and the way I want to have it.

Can’t say if it is because I have watched too many television shows or seen too many movies not to realize how preposterous it is.

There are variations on the idea, but the basic outline goes something like this. I find you in the midst of doing something ordinary and the world stops around us.

You give me one of those looks that say you are not sure what I am doing there, but not in the hell are you stalking me kind of way.

The speaker overhead starts playing God Only Knows and as The Beach Boys serenade us I walk up and kiss you. That says all that needs to be said and we ride off into the sunset confident that we can overcome any challenges that lie ahead of us.

There is a part of me that is firmly convinced it is possible, probable and likely, meaning you wouldn’t scream for the police.

And another part of me is certain it would end in disaster and though you wouldn’t call the police the tongue lashing I’d get would leave my ears bleeding.

Still, there is this thought floating around inside my head that says you are worth taking the chance on and that magic never dies, might go dormant but it never dies. That is what happens when you have one of the great love stories of all time.

You know there is another version of this crazy idea where I convince Carole King to show up and play Tapestry while I get my five minutes to try to ask you to take my hand and see what happens.

Maybe I am a fool who can’t see reality or maybe it is because I am a fool who can see reality that these thoughts and ideas cross my mind. Both could be true and both could be false.

There has to be some mathematical equation that makes sense of it all and helps to illustrate how the rational and irrational can work together.

It is all part of a dream I once had in which shooting stars lit up a black sky and highlighted a path that leads to our own heaven on earth. Because sometimes we create our own secret world that no one else can see or understand.

Not because it is a secret from others but because it is custom made of magic, unexpected surprises and something indescribable and unforgettable.

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Pictures, Thoughts & Ideas

shadow

“Relationships” are funny things in that your status impacts what is proper to share and what is not.

Take the picture above and think for a moment about what sort of response you might get from your girlfriend/wife as opposed to your neighbor or coworker.

If things are good with the girlfriend/wife you might be told it is funny and or be encouraged to act out the scene in real life.

And if things aren’t, well they may ignore the picture or let you know in no uncertain terms they don’t appreciate your having sent it over.

As for your neighbor or coworker, well this is where things can get really interesting because if they have a secret interest in you this sort of thing might lead to the kind of interaction that moves from fantasy into real life.

That is assuming it goes well and doesn’t turn into a restraining order, nasty note or time with HR.

So maybe you think it is better to go with something softer and more romantic.

Maybe something like one of these:

Sundays and Stuff
or
nerudakiss

Those have a certain style and pizzaz to them that lend themselves to painting a picture, a thought and an idea in a person’s head.

They might help move someone to take a chance on the idea and see where it goes or they might not.

You never can tell whether all you have is this idea or if it is something that is forever locked in lyric.

borntorun

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Carrying The Weight

The mind readers looked at his face and his words and tried to decipher the truth of what lay beneath the surface.

Fear kept them from a direct approach so they never came out and asked the question that potentially would have answered the question.

It was understandable because words spoken would lead to having to focus upon thoughts and ideas that had been in hibernation for eons.

Waking those from their slumber would rouse other things and require dealing with complications that might otherwise be ignored.

One could wander through that particular forest and come upon fragments of thoughts and ideas.

Maybe you’d stumble on Bowie doing Heroes and get trapped in an eternal discussion about whether the Heroes in his song were together for a traditional 24 hour day or something longer.

Or maybe you get caught up in a different spider web of thoughts and ideas about serenity, timing and the mystical and magical majesty of that one mythical kiss.

****

If ever the castle was built and lived in somewhere within the following words would have to be painted, written, spoken and or shared.

The unofficial but ever so important motto.

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love
You make

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Stunning

Stunning.

That was the word and though he had expected her to look good because he had seen recent pictures he hadn’t expected that.

She looked stunning and he looked tired, old and worn.

The moment made him laugh because every time he thought he had figured it out and was prepared something made it clear that he hadn’t.

He supposed the good news was he didn’t have any expectation beyond that which made the moment easier.

No expectations made it easy or so he told himself.

“I am just going to do my thing and go about my business.”

A short time later he saw her looking at him and wished for the 1,838,839 time in his life that he could read minds.

“What the hell is she thinking? She looked away pretty quickly. Do I look that bad or do I look good?”

He flashed a smile, took a deep breath and walked away.

He was going to just keep doing his thing and go about his business, that was the theory.

But it sure would have be easier if she didn’t look so damn stunning.

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Some Things Simply Are

I don’t remember falling in love with her any more than I remember being born but they both happened and until death comes nothing will change that.

I used to think that was the sort of stupid comment made by the lonely or the lovesick and then life smacked me in the mouth and woke me up.

You either get it or you don’t and if you don’t get it there is no reason to try and explain it.

Believe me she and I have danced around and with this crazy thing for long enough that neither of us remember when we didn’t know the other existed.

Sometimes we have wished it wasn’t so and have tried to find ways to live alone and apart but it doesn’t ever work the way we want or think it should.

We get pulled back towards each other and find ourselves trying to figure out what the fuck happened.

You have to figure if we can’t figure it out there is no way you’ll get it and ultimately that is ok because we are the ones who have to determine what sort of life we want to lead together or apart.

There is an intensity and depth here that keeps us connected, even when we aren’t. Keeps us tied together even when we intentionally move away from each other.

And there is a sixth sense kind of think going on, an invisible thread we might not always acknowledge but we sure as hell feel.

Might be times where we lie to ourselves about it, but it is always there and it raises all sorts of interesting questions.

Can’t say how or if those questions will be answered, but they haven’t ever really gone away so I suspect at some point together or separately we’ll look into them.

Love burns, sometimes in the best way and sometimes in the hardest.

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You Have No Right

If I told you the full story and held nothing back you might say I have no right to make the request I have made.

For now I unwilling to share it all here because it is not mine to share, I am just one of the players in it.

If I chose to ignore the feelings of the others I could write it down and someday I hope to, but the time hasn’t come yet.

Don’t ask me to provide a timeline for when it might happen because it may never and even if it does, well we may choose not to say more than the few words we have shared.

What I know is that even though I have no right to ask I have, I did and I would do so again.

Once I was a tailor singing a song about a joyful surprise and now I no longer sing it. Perhaps I will again and perhaps I won’t.

The interesting part of life comes from not knowing what will happen now doesn’t it.

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Karma, Destiny Or Coincidence

Had some things happen in my life, ya know stuff that makes you ask questions and think about whether there is a bigger picture.

Something bigger, bolder and greater than us all.

Some days I am certain I know the answer and I see Karma and Destiny moving chess pieces and other days, well it is just coincidence.

But if you got an honest answer out of me I’d say the best test is a kiss.

That’s the one where you both get the most honest answer you can ever find but the thing is, sometimes you lie to yourself and sometimes you lie to others.

Honesty isn’t easy and it doesn’t always jibe well with the reality you seem to think you are living for and or under.

But it doesn’t mean you don’t know or that the person you kissed doesn’t know either because somethings can’t be proved in any court other than the heart.

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Serendipity Visits

angel-1502351
You told me long ago that you didn’t believe in fate, destiny or Karma.

Life was a series of events, moments in time sometimes punctuated by actions described as coincidence.

I believed as you did too because it made sense. I could prove it by touch, taste, sight, sound and feel until I couldn’t.

Because angels intervened and the heavens made me aware there was something more than just us.

Don’t care if anyone believes it but me.

Don’t need approval or validation to prove what my heart has known as truth for years.

blue-690872
We found each other under during a blue moon, under a night sky that held more stars than we could comprehend of.

I fought it for a while because it was easier and I thought smarter.

But that one kiss screwed up my plan and nothing has ever been the same.

Some would call it a blessing and some would call it a curse.

I call it serendipity.

And I call upon the voice inside our heads, the one that speaks in a voice only we can hear to verify this claim.

Because when the lights go out and we close our eyes this truth reveals itself to us again and again.

Love isn’t broken or beaten, only delayed.

 

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What Is Old Is New

If you are looking for recent posts involving Neil Diamond try Parallel OrbitsParallel Orbits otherwise here is an older piece that I am not sure was shared here.

For years you ruled your kingdom alongside your queen. It was both magical and mystical. You loved June so damn fiercely that it hurt to be apart from her. You called her your air as she did you. When she told you that no one else could take better care of you than she you smiled and your heart swelled with joy. It was impossible not to smile because you knew that it was true.

So you took her in your arms and promised her the same. You told her that you would love and honor her. You promised to cherish her and protect her. And you did, protect her. There are more than a few occasions upon which you were called upon to ride out the castle gates and meet those who wished her ill.

You didn’t care what the situation was or how badly the odds might be stacked against you. If June was threatened you were going to meet the challenge head on and do what was required to remove the danger. It wasn’t always easy for her to let you go.

It wasn’t just because she worried about Johnny’s safety but because of her own independence. June had never needed to rely upon another to take care of her problems. Her approval of Johnny’s actions were a testament to how deeply she loved him.

But life happens and things changed. One day Johnny and June left the castle and rode out into the forest. They stood beneath a moonlit sky and held hands. Their quiet moment was interrupted by howling. Johnny looked up and found several pairs of eyes staring back at him. Wolves. Not a wolf, but wolves.

You weren’t fazed by the presence of the wolves, not with June standing next to you. You didn’t worry about your own safety all you cared about was protecting your queen.  So you told her to get on the horse and ride for the safety of the castle walls. And when she protested you told her to stop fighting and to get the hell out.

Grudgingly she mounted your horse and began to ride. Less than a moment later you had your arms wrapped around the body of a wolf. And as you struggled to break his neck the rest of the pack attacked. Rolling in the dirt you wondered if she could hear your screams and hoped not.

Later on you would find yourself lying bloodied and bruised upon the forest floor. There was no sign of the wolves and you had no memory of what had happened to them. So you picked yourself up and wandered back towards the castle. Anxious to see June you maintained a quick pace and it wasn’t long before you arrived.

Only this time the castle gates were not open, nor did trumpets blare to herald your return. Instead you were met by silence. The castle was empty. June was gone and there wasn’t any sort of note to indicate where, when or why.

It would take time but eventually you would learn that she had moved on to another place. So you’d set out to go meet her there, it never occurring to you that your queen had intentionally moved. It took a long time to get to the new place, but you did find it. And when you did you discovered that June wasn’t interested in speaking with you.

You’d come to learn that things had happened and changes had come along with those things. June would tell you that she wasn’t going to spend time with you. But because you are Johnny you’d refuse to give up. You’d tell her that you didn’t believe her. You’d tell her that you were certain she was still your girl and that she was still in love with you.

You’d tell her that you knew she was pushing you away and that you thought that she was acting like an idiot. But you’d find that you couldn’t do much about it because sometimes people have to do things on their own. So you decided to wait. You’d make it clear to June that you still loved her. You’d try and take a long term approach and wait because you were convinced that it wasn’t done.

And in the darker moments you’d question your behavior and wonder if you were a fool. But there were also moments where you were certain that you weren’t. Love isn’t rational and it doesn’t work based upon logic.  So you’d wait because you remembered the secret world and knew that she did too. You’d wait and watch for the sign that maybe it wasn’t all in vain.

Who knew that one kiss could change two lives so dramatically.

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