You Have No Right

If I told you the full story and held nothing back you might say I have no right to make the request I have made.

For now I unwilling to share it all here because it is not mine to share, I am just one of the players in it.

If I chose to ignore the feelings of the others I could write it down and someday I hope to, but the time hasn’t come yet.

Don’t ask me to provide a timeline for when it might happen because it may never and even if it does, well we may choose not to say more than the few words we have shared.

What I know is that even though I have no right to ask I have, I did and I would do so again.

Once I was a tailor singing a song about a joyful surprise and now I no longer sing it. Perhaps I will again and perhaps I won’t.

The interesting part of life comes from not knowing what will happen now doesn’t it.

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Karma, Destiny Or Coincidence

Had some things happen in my life, ya know stuff that makes you ask questions and think about whether there is a bigger picture.

Something bigger, bolder and greater than us all.

Some days I am certain I know the answer and I see Karma and Destiny moving chess pieces and other days, well it is just coincidence.

But if you got an honest answer out of me I’d say the best test is a kiss.

That’s the one where you both get the most honest answer you can ever find but the thing is, sometimes you lie to yourself and sometimes you lie to others.

Honesty isn’t easy and it doesn’t always jibe well with the reality you seem to think you are living for and or under.

But it doesn’t mean you don’t know or that the person you kissed doesn’t know either because somethings can’t be proved in any court other than the heart.

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Serendipity Visits

You told me long ago that you didn’t believe in fate, destiny or Karma.

Life was a series of events, moments in time sometimes punctuated by actions described as coincidence.

I believed as you did too because it made sense. I could prove it by touch, taste, sight, sound and feel until I couldn’t.

Because angels intervened and the heavens made me aware there was something more than just us.

Don’t care if anyone believes it but me.

Don’t need approval or validation to prove what my heart has known as truth for years.

We found each other under during a blue moon, under a night sky that held more stars than we could comprehend of.

I fought it for a while because it was easier and I thought smarter.

But that one kiss screwed up my plan and nothing has ever been the same.

Some would call it a blessing and some would call it a curse.

I call it serendipity.

And I call upon the voice inside our heads, the one that speaks in a voice only we can hear to verify this claim.

Because when the lights go out and we close our eyes this truth reveals itself to us again and again.

Love isn’t broken or beaten, only delayed.


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What Is Old Is New

If you are looking for recent posts involving Neil Diamond try Parallel OrbitsParallel Orbits otherwise here is an older piece that I am not sure was shared here.

For years you ruled your kingdom alongside your queen. It was both magical and mystical. You loved June so damn fiercely that it hurt to be apart from her. You called her your air as she did you. When she told you that no one else could take better care of you than she you smiled and your heart swelled with joy. It was impossible not to smile because you knew that it was true.

So you took her in your arms and promised her the same. You told her that you would love and honor her. You promised to cherish her and protect her. And you did, protect her. There are more than a few occasions upon which you were called upon to ride out the castle gates and meet those who wished her ill.

You didn’t care what the situation was or how badly the odds might be stacked against you. If June was threatened you were going to meet the challenge head on and do what was required to remove the danger. It wasn’t always easy for her to let you go.

It wasn’t just because she worried about Johnny’s safety but because of her own independence. June had never needed to rely upon another to take care of her problems. Her approval of Johnny’s actions were a testament to how deeply she loved him.

But life happens and things changed. One day Johnny and June left the castle and rode out into the forest. They stood beneath a moonlit sky and held hands. Their quiet moment was interrupted by howling. Johnny looked up and found several pairs of eyes staring back at him. Wolves. Not a wolf, but wolves.

You weren’t fazed by the presence of the wolves, not with June standing next to you. You didn’t worry about your own safety all you cared about was protecting your queen.  So you told her to get on the horse and ride for the safety of the castle walls. And when she protested you told her to stop fighting and to get the hell out.

Grudgingly she mounted your horse and began to ride. Less than a moment later you had your arms wrapped around the body of a wolf. And as you struggled to break his neck the rest of the pack attacked. Rolling in the dirt you wondered if she could hear your screams and hoped not.

Later on you would find yourself lying bloodied and bruised upon the forest floor. There was no sign of the wolves and you had no memory of what had happened to them. So you picked yourself up and wandered back towards the castle. Anxious to see June you maintained a quick pace and it wasn’t long before you arrived.

Only this time the castle gates were not open, nor did trumpets blare to herald your return. Instead you were met by silence. The castle was empty. June was gone and there wasn’t any sort of note to indicate where, when or why.

It would take time but eventually you would learn that she had moved on to another place. So you’d set out to go meet her there, it never occurring to you that your queen had intentionally moved. It took a long time to get to the new place, but you did find it. And when you did you discovered that June wasn’t interested in speaking with you.

You’d come to learn that things had happened and changes had come along with those things. June would tell you that she wasn’t going to spend time with you. But because you are Johnny you’d refuse to give up. You’d tell her that you didn’t believe her. You’d tell her that you were certain she was still your girl and that she was still in love with you.

You’d tell her that you knew she was pushing you away and that you thought that she was acting like an idiot. But you’d find that you couldn’t do much about it because sometimes people have to do things on their own. So you decided to wait. You’d make it clear to June that you still loved her. You’d try and take a long term approach and wait because you were convinced that it wasn’t done.

And in the darker moments you’d question your behavior and wonder if you were a fool. But there were also moments where you were certain that you weren’t. Love isn’t rational and it doesn’t work based upon logic.  So you’d wait because you remembered the secret world and knew that she did too. You’d wait and watch for the sign that maybe it wasn’t all in vain.

Who knew that one kiss could change two lives so dramatically.

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Parallel Orbits

She was morning, and I was night time
I one day woke up
To find her lying beside my bed
I softly said “Come take me”
For I’ve been lonely in need of someone
As though I’d done someone wrong somewhere
But I don’t know where, I don’t know where
Come lately
You are the sun, I am the moon
You are the words, I am the tune
Play me

Thought about writing Neil Diamond to ask if he’d help me have a real conversation.

In my head I explained it was a case of bad timing, circumstances and all of the craziness that comes with it.

Told him I needed his help in getting her attention long enough to have a real conversation, the kind that takes place face-to-face.

You know the one where you see their eyes and know you are being heard and they know you are listening.

In my head Neil asks some hard questions and asks me what I’d do if I got an answer I didn’t like.

“Neil, you know there are some loves that never end, they might be delayed or slowed down but they always come through.”

He looks at me and says he has heard stalkers say similar things. I thank him for the support and he starts singing Holly Holy.

I look at him and he smiles, when she hears this and sees the truth in your eyes you’ll find the right words.

“But Neil, what if I don’t. What if I stutter and or say something dumb. What if I forget who I am and why I am there?”

“Brother, I have been there. Had a moment with a long lost lady love in ’68 and I have never forgiven myself. But you won’t, you’ll figure it out and she’ll hear you. Just be honest. Any fool can see you love her, don’t worry about the words. Just speak and she’ll hear you, more importantly, she’ll see you.”

I thank him for his help, he asks me for more details about how it all happened and how we came to be where we are.

“I don’t know what to say other than we found and lost each other multiple times.”

He asks me to explain how two people can find and lose each other and I tell him we have had parallel orbits and I see a chance for intersection.

“Brother, I am a singer, not an astrophysicist. Just lay it out in simple terms.”

The conversation goes all night and into the next day but by the time we are done we have a plan and I know it can work.

Later on I wake up and wonder if I have watched too many romantic comedies and read too many books.

And as I walk down the hall to take care of my morning needs I hear Holly Holy and I know I may be crazy, but I am on the right path.

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Some Love Never Dies

Some love never dies, maybe it does dormant or quiets down for a while, but death is not something that applies to it.

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Sometimes the questions we ask go one direction and sometimes they go another.

You wonder how is it a simple picture takes your breath away and you cannot describe it in any other way than stunning.

It is almost involuntary, a reaction you shouldn’t be surprised by because it has happened before but yet you are…stunned and shocked by it.

So you lean back in your chair, cross your arms, close your eyes and wonder about the magic in that moment and if it will ever reappear in person and then decide there is no doubt it will.

The real question is with whom.

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Questions We Ask

There are questions we ask that require answers and others that don’t.

Sometimes the questions we ask are important not for the answers we hope to get but because of the ones we come up with for ourselves.

Once some years ago a woman told me I was the love of her life. She has always been the only one to ever say this to me or so I think.

It is possible another said it but if they did I can’t remember and that should tell you all you need to know about whether it held any meaning for me

Sundays and Stuff

That is what comes to mind when I think of the first. I wonder what I should take from being called the love of her life.

I wonder if she remembers saying it and what it means today to her. I wonder if I would get an honest answer if I asked but though I might like it, I don’t really need it.

It is easier to go with my gut and to ask my heart.

Some might suggest that is a way to avoid pain and heartbreak, to prevent hearing what I don’t want to hear.

Others might say it is a better way to maintain honesty and to avoid asking questions that are easy but complicated by circumstances.

I can parse, part and peel away the pieces and layers and that is where I find my answer. That is where I see reality and if the other pieces weren’t in place, well I expect that I would get the answer I feel.

Maybe it is right, maybe it is wrong but sometimes we have nothing but our feelings and a man can’t be faulted for feeling what he feels.

The heart wants what it wants and all that jazz.

Sometimes all we have is what we have during particular moments in time and those things can change. They can go up, down and around on that giant carousel we all ride.

Some days your heart is full and some it is empty and all that you ask is whether you share it with another or not.

I know what I know, feel what I feel and am comfortable where I am. One day I may choose to do or walk elsewhere or perhaps I won’t.

The love of my life–does that refer to one or many.

Guess only time will tell.

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Beyond The Placeholders

Moving beyond the placeholders here to share some old material that might be used again.

I loved her once. She was tall, with dark hair and dark eyes that sparkled. Her smile lit up her face and her laughter was infectious. But I didn’t love her because of physical gifts or actions. She was smart and ever so quick. One of the few who got me, who understood me on a different level and in a different place than the others. But I didn’t love her because of that either.

Nor did I love her because she was the one who I trusted completely and felt safe with. Didn’t love her because of soft kisses and sweet whispers.

I loved her for all of these things and more. It was complete and consuming this love. Didn’t matter that she wasn’t as logical, rational or together as she claimed. Nor did I care that sometimes she would flip out and go off about crazy stuff. Damn woman found her way inside my head and heart so I took the good and the bad. We called it a mature love, deeper and more powerful than any we had ever experienced before.

But the gods laugh at those who aspire to climb the heights that we found ourselves upon. Icarus flew too high and his wings were shorn off causing him to fall into the abyss. When his wife died Mighty Orpheus marched straight into the underworld and negotiated a deal with Hades to secure her return to life. Just moments away from their goal he failed in his resolve and lost her again to the underworld.

So if you ask me if I refer to us as a Greek tragedy than I say yes, I do. I do because you cannot share the things that we did, say what we said or feel such things and then fail to find a way to be together. I say it is a tragedy because to view it in other terms either diminishes it or calls into question the integrity of another. And so I have found myself alone and apart, dancing in the fire for untold ages.

I loved her once. She, who I speak of was the dearest part of my heart and the essence of my soul. I stare into the blackness in silence and replay that which once was. I think of Elizabeth Browning and Bertrand Russell. I see math, science and poetry. I hear the music and the whispers. There are moments where I feel her still, sense her close by, can smell and taste her.

But she is never there and now in my darkest hours I witness the entrance of anger. I acknowledge doubt and wonder if I am a sucker who misunderstood it all. Wonder if I saw only what I wanted to see. But I take a deep breath and recognize that the anger masks the hurt. The anger is a mask that I wear because it allows me to say that I loved her once when the truth is that I love her still.

And in the silence of the night lost in the shadows are the things that tell me that I wasn’t a sucker or a fool. The evidence isn’t based upon formulas or science. You cannot build your castles upon the foundation that we built, at least not those made of brick and stone. But you can find something more durable and lasting. The love that built what once was is more powerful than one can measure or imagine. And if you open your heart to it you will find that the person you never knew you needed hasn’t disappeared or gone away.

And in the silence of the night you might find your fingers interlocked with theirs and your breathing in rhythm as the heart you share still beats for both of you.

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Got a few placeholders to remind me of some material I haven’t had time to put on paper.

time and love


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