Weaving Words

Somewhere in the weaving of Gut Feelings, Asked and Answered and Forbidden came a sense of a need to talk about timing and hope.

A sense of maybe the moment of hope was fantasy moving towards reality and the sense said all would unfold as it should.

But what that really meant wasn’t clear and he found himself on wobbly ground, wondering if he could have the real conversation he wanted or whether he should.

Would it provide the clarity he wanted or just muddy the waters some more.

Maybe it was best not to plan or act and just see.

He was a fool, but what kind of fool was yet to be revealed.

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Gut Feelings

It had been forever since they had a private conversation in person.

It hurt his heart sometimes to think about how long it had been against all that had happened.

They had been to hell and back and survived so it seemed impossible to him that it couldn’t be done again if only the will existed.

He asked himself if the reason she refused to see him was that it was too hard and every time he heard himself say yes. When he asked himself if it was possible she was serious and that he was fooling himself he said yes again…but.

She wouldn’t be happy to hear him say he was ignoring it but he was and he wasn’t.

He was convinced it the ‘no’ wasn’t because she really wanted to say no but because she felt obligated to say it. So while she meant no she didn’t really want to say it.

It didn’t mean she would feel that way forever or that he would wait forever. Hell, he couldn’t explain why he hadn’t done more to just walk away any more than he could explain why she hadn’t.

That inexplicable and illogical choice was a significant part of why he was convinced she wanted to run into his arms and yet also intentionally stayed far away.

He figured she found reasons to be angry with him and had made a list of things he did that she found annoying. It made the distance easier.

But it didn’t change his not buying it. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and logic means nothing.

Damn heart was and maybe is stupid.

Didn’t help that she looked phenomenal the last few times he saw her or that when she passed by he could smell her perfume. Smell and memory are closely tied together.

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And So It Goes

He stood six feet behind her and tried to focus upon the speaker but was consistently distracted by how intoxicating her presence could be.

There was a time not so long ago when she said the same about him and promised to do whatever it took to be by his side.

It was the kind of partnership they had yearned for their entire lives and yet only a few years later they were as close and as far apart as they had ever been.

She had never explained to his satisfaction why she had broken it off and any time he had tried to find out she had stonewalled his request. So he did his best to accept what she said and take it at face value.

It was possible she still had feelings and was choosing to act otherwise and it was possible she didn’t. It was possible this was temporary and possible it was forever.

The plethora of possibilities wasn’t particularly helpful for a broken heart. It didn’t make him feel any better to know there was a possibility that things could turn because it was possible they might not.

His head told him to suck it up and move on and his heart screamed at him not to be an idiot.

“There are other fish in the sea. Don’t get hysterical and say she was our fucking ocean because there are other women. She was your girl and now she isn’t.”

His heart responded coldly, “if it wouldn’t hurt me too I would shove an icepick up our nose and right into your fat self.”

The interplay between the two made him snort and he went back to listening to the speaker.

But he kept staring at her long legs and remembered what it felt like to have them wrapped around and the sound of her voice whispering in his ear.

He remembered promising her to never let go and asked himself why he was acting like some lovesick teen.

If life were like a movie he would tell her he still loved her and ask for her hand.

She might hesitate to give it and he would say how much they had been through and ask why that wasn’t enough to get them through future humps and hurdles.

Always had been before, why not now.

It could work. If she really heard him and was open to love she might walk into his arms and remember.

Or she might tell him to move on and go away.

Isn’t it nice to see some things never change.

We’re still boys and girls who try to do our best to have simple and uncomplicated lives but discover it is just not that easy.

The heart may want what it wants but there is no guarantee it will get it.


A short while later he left without having said a word to her. As he walked to the car he wondered if he was doing a good impression of Rick at the end of Casablanca or was more like the Cowardly lion.

Five miles down the road he wondered what perfume she had worn.

He had intentionally not gotten close enough to smell her. It would have been easy to get close enough to smell without invading her personal space but he didn’t want her thinking he was trying to be pushy.

And he didn’t want to be tortured by the smell. She always smelled like home to him and unless she made herself his he didn’t need to remember.

Time was what he needed.

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Fat, Dumb & Stupid

He was known for having no self-awareness and for being a bully.Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

He was excited today because a woman he had lusted after for years had paid attention to him. Every time she said his name it made his heart soar and he wondered if maybe this time she would let him touch her.

How many hours had he spent dreaming about her? How much time had he spent researching her, trying to find everything he could about her online so that he could figure out a way to impress her.

Impressing her was a big deal to him because he knew that women like a man who paid attention to details. It was the reason why he had snuck into her bedroom and gone through her clothes.

He figured if he knew what size she wore and other intimate details it would be of great help.

The only thing was there was another guy who she sometimes paid attention to. He was fairly certain that they had had some kind of relationship in the past and that made him angry and jealous.

This other guy had no business getting involved. Who was he to insert himself into his potential future love.

It made him very angry, not just because he was jealous but because the other guy had called him a stupid oaf and made him look stupid in front of her.

That would never do so he had spent months researching this other guy because he knew that if he got enough information together he could show her how bad the other guy was.

No one could call him an oaf or stupid. He wouldn’t stand for it. He hadn’t spent years in school getting an advanced degree to be called stupid. It didn’t matter that anyone could do it if they just showed up, that degree was worth something.

It proved he could do something with the law besides break it.

So he plotted and schemed about how to get her and how to get him.


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Doctor Of Destiny

Long ago I told someone I c0uld be their doctor of destiny and asked them to trust their heart with me.

I said we could exchange keys, they would have one for mine and I would have one for theirs and together we could heal what was broken.

We managed to do so more than once and in multiple places which made me believe we had an innate ability to do so for each other, forever.

That might like silly puppy love stuff, the kind you limit to high school romance but I have come to believe there is truth to it.

All it takes is one moment and suddenly you remember what you forgot.


He might never see the proof of his beliefs but it wouldn’t be because he failed to follow through.

He did as he had said he would do and that would be enough, regardless of what happened.

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Secret World

If ever there was a time when he wanted to set up a visit in the secret world, now was it.

In his mind he saw two people who had trouble staying angry with each other. Two people who would like to put the masks down and spend time together because they were different.

Not different in the sense of weird or strange but different in that you could lock them up in a closet for a month and they would come out still talking and still happy to be together.

They just got along because they genuinely liked each other and liked being together. It felt good.

It didn’t mean they didn’t bicker or argue because it happened, but because of how well they communicated most of the time they got past the crap.

Most of the time they pushed it aside and all was well.

A good hug or two and whatever else happened always did wonders for them.

In years past she had accused him of being the one with his head in his ass, but this time around he suspected the situation might be reversed.

Well, he had no reason to rush or push so he just didn’t.

It would unfold or it wouldn’t.

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The Big Dope

He listened to the big dope talk about shopping for wine at Target and rolled his eyes.

It was often amusing listening to a semi literate idiot talk about things they knew little about.

Some weren’t smart enough to admit their ignorance about particular topics, especially when they were trying to start something with a woman.

He almost told the big dope he was being dopey but decided not to. The last time he had done that the big dope had spent months stalking him online.

He had made it clear to the dope that he was aware of the stalking but the dope had stuck around for a while.

It wasn’t clear why the dope had left. Could have been boredom or he might have finally become flexible enough to engage in some autofellatio.

Ultimately it didn’t matter, he had better things to do than worry about the dope or whether he would get the play he wanted.

Especially given the crazy circumstances he found himself in.

It was the sort of thing that might work out really well or blow up in his face.

The black and white nature of it didn’t make him happy. Life rarely was one or the other.

I’m the midst of his musings a thought flirted across his mind and he thought about the girl.

For a long while he had focused on pushing her out of his head. She was a distraction that he didn’t want to worry about.

We’ll, that was only partially true, the whole truth confused him.

He could go through periods of time where he was fine. Didn’t think about her much and if he did, well it was fine.

But there were moments when she would force her way into his consciousness and that would be like a mental body slam.

Because it always made him aware of the giant hole that she filled.

And he would ache.

It hurt, her absence that is and he would wonder how she could not feel that emptiness.

Did she truly not feel it or did she fool herself into thinking it wasn’t real.

Sometimes he thought he knew and sometimes he had no idea.

Maybe she was the love of his life and this was temporary or maybe it was forever.

He tried to be respectful and responsibile but he felt a magnetic pull.

And because she stayed distant he focused on doing so too. Didn’t want to tell her a thing because if she didn’t feel a thing it would be awkward.

So he didn’t do it, figuring if it was meant to be it would be and if it wasn’t it wouldn’t.

Life was pretty ridiculous, especially his.

But if you want an adventure you have to do your best to live it.



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Whole Lotta Love

She told him that she would love him forever and he said he would hold her to it.

“That is ok, I like when you hold me.”

Many years later she called him crazy and told him to get lost but he didn’t just go away. He persisted.

She asked why and he said, “you are pretty decent in bed.”

That irked her because no one wants to hear they are decent in bed, especially when they know they aren’t.

But it made her wonder, did he really think she was just decent or was it just a trick to get her pants off.

She didn’t want to ask because he would say something like it would work for a dress or skirt too.

Truth was they made each other crazy and she began to wonder what would happen if he really disappeared the way he said he could.

She had never really believed it, but you never knew with him. Sometimes he could be exceptionally stubborn and would do things just because others said not to.

It reminded her of the time he said that whenever she thought of him he was thinking of her too.

And then she heard him say he wanted to kiss her as if one kiss would make her tear off her skirt and let him ravish her.

Well, he had said he wanted to dominate her and she had wanted to submit, but only if it was done in precisely the right way.

Other ways made him more annoying and less sexy. He ought to understand that.

Back in the male side of things he thought about calling her and saying he was done with this crap, “you are going to sleep with me because we both want it and we’ll figure out how to work it out.”

That made her happy and angry simultaneously and she didn’t know what to do about it.

He said stop thinking and just give in. Relent and relax, it is going to be ok unless love is dead and destiny is a myth.

Sometimes the practical ideas made no sense and the things you wanted most happened even though they were crazy.

Truth is stranger than fiction and girls are nuts or so the prophets wrote on the subway walls.

Maybe love conquers all or maybe all conquers love.

Hell if anyone knew or understood anything.

He sure didn’t, so he just sat on the floor and unpacked boxes. One big house surrounding him and his stuff.

All those rooms and no one but him.


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Grab My Hips

“Honey, we need a code for alone time.”

He looked at her and asked what she was talking about.

“Are you really that dense? Sometimes you need me and sometimes I need you but we might not be in a place where I can just say something.”

He shook his head and asked why not.

“Because I am not going to say come take me, fuck me, grab me or anything that direct in public.”

“Since when did you become so shy.”

She rolled her eyes and told him to stop acting dumb.

“My mother isn’t stupid but she doesn’t need to know our business any more than anyone else does.

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips and pull your hair. That ought to make it clear.”

“You better not do that in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I won’t do it.”

“No, you better do it, just not in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips but I won’t grab your hair.”

“You are impossible. You are lucky I love you.”

“No, you are lucky I love you and put up with your nonsense. Just take my hand squeeze it and I’ll know my liberated woman has needs I must take care of. Ought to be fun wearing you out.”

“You’ll never wear me out.”

“It ought to be fun finding out if that it is true, especially since you are so much older than I am.”

“I am not even a year older than you are.”

“Ok cougar lady, just relax. I need you calm for later on. Don’t want you to pull a muscle or hurt yourself proving you can wear me out.”

“You know, you are a real pain-in-my-ass.”

“And you love me for it. Now come sit on my lap and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up.”

“That is so cheesy.”

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Just Say No

He stopped packing long enough to look at the papers that had fallen out of the box he was carrying.

“Darling, if you ever say no to me I might not let you into my bed again.”

“Sweetheart, when I say no you will work twice as hard to get me into OUR bed again.”

“Baby, that sounds like some silly game. Don’t do that. You know I have to touch you.”

“I have to do more than touch you, but every now and then you need to remember I am not just a piece of meat. I am a man, I have feelings.”

“I’ll take those feelings and make them feel soooo good.”

“You know as soon as get home I am going to tear your clothes off.”

“Why wait until we get home. Meet me in the bathroom.”

He remembered the party they had been at but not how they had started writing the note back and forth.

And he remembered the bathroom and the skirt she had worn. Thank god for skirts.


He put the note back in the box and made a point not to go through it because he knew he wouldn’t be happy.

This was the box with the notes that said they were best friends and lovers forever. The place where the promises were memorialized and looking at it would give him hope, make him sad and make him angry.

That wasn’t a good combination.

He had too much going on to wonder about the future or to wrestle again with throwing out the box.

Part of him wanted to. It made sense.

But he had refused because a voice inside his head said it would be wrong and that he would be sorry.

He supposed it was because he knew the only way to stay angry with her was to make a list or do things to force the issue.

That wasn’t how he operated, that was how she did.

He wondered if she ever closed her eyes and saw him looking back at her the way it sometimes happened for him.

He figured it did because regardless of what was said they were different and they had one of those connections of that much he was certain.

Didn’t matter because unless he opened her eyes and looked through her heart things would be as they were.

Less complicated and easier in many ways, but with potential that might always leave them wondering what if.

“Damn woman, sometimes I don’t know which of us is crazier.”

He put the box on the truck and went back to working on the stuff that was right in front of him. If it is meant to be it will happen and if not, well that last memory was one of many that made him smile.

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