Her Place

He thought about calling her and telling her he was sick of this shit. She needed to be put in her place,

Needed to submit and be dominated. Needed two hands in her hair and to resume her role as his partner because they both would be happier.

Couldn’t say for certain why he hadn’t done it, whether it was because he feared rejection or thought it was going to just happen anyhow.

They were on their second decade and whatever it was there was something deep and powerful.

Maybe it scared both of them because there was a sense that a tsunami of emotion could take them away.

Come to think of it, that wasn’t out of the question because they had been there, addicted to each other.

Best friends and lovers.

It could happen again and the question was more about whether it would/would not be because of luck/circumstance or if destiny was real.

Either way the idea of having her wrapped around him or wrapped in his arms made him smile in a way that was both uncomfortable and familiar.

Not uncomfortable because it was bad, but because sometimes you just know.

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Searching For A Shmata

Smarter people than I don’t spend any time wondering, worrying or thinking about what they think they know or feel.

They focus upon what they can see, taste and touch in the most literal sense of those things.

If you can touch, taste or see it, well you know what is or is not real.

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, that gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream
Once Upon A Dream– Lana Del Rey ( Maleficent)

I hear it playing in my head as one of a multitude of songs and poems and try to ignore it.

Wrap myself in the safety and security of the tactile and concrete aspects of life because it provides more control and I crave that.

Crave it because other things are spinning in ways I can’t stop and it frightens me a bit.

But part of me likes the fear and chases the flame because it feels appropriate and right.

Because you search for a Shmata to wrap yourself in and remember the touch forever.

Everything changed and nothing will be the same.

Can’t say whether it is good or bad, only that it is and maybe that is the best way to look at it.

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Words Are Insufficient

Sometimes words are insufficient which is why people like Whitman write things like “we were together, I forget the rest.”

Maybe that is all we need and the courage to follow our heart across the sea and through the woods.

Mine broke open wide so very long ago I cannot remember how or when. Sometimes I wonder if it has ever been repaired or if it ever will be.

And then I smile because of course it healed and of course it was ripped open again and healed again.

Now it is in a place and position I am not sure I recognize and maybe that is best. Maybe it is a reminder to step out of my comfort zone and test the water.

Out in the cold, searching for a Shmata never knowing if I will wrap myself around or be wrapped in it.

Some say secret worlds are best left alone and others say they exist to be shared and because they offer an opportunity for growth and exploration like none other.

Words just do it justice, so I let it be and stand on the balcony searching for a Shmata.

Posted here too. Versions to be adjusted in both places.

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An Invitation

He extended an invitation and wondered if his hand would remain empty or be filled.

There was an opportunity just waiting to be shared.

*****

Some days later he sat in his chair and reflected upon dreams, not dreams in the general sense of the word but the dreams he had that week.

Three times.

She had shown up in his dreams three times during the last week and each time it had been one of those way too real dreams.

Every time he woke up he could still smell and feel her touch. At least once she had given him a Cheshire cat grin and asked him how long he was going to wait to come find her.

“You told me to let go. You told me to stay away. But then again you also told me you’d never forgive me for not finding you sooner and made me promise to hold on. You said I should ignore things you said when you are angry.”

There was no answer and he didn’t expect one because he was awake and she wasn’t there.

He took a deep breath and asked himself what she would say and shook his head. If he went with his heart and not his head the answer would be to tell him she had meant all she said.

His head said things change and then said, but it is very possible.

“Maybe she is afraid that you would reject her if she made the first move.”

“Well, she is an idiot, maybe as big a one as the guy who is talking to himself.”

He shook his head and asked for a sign. Might have gotten one, but didn’t trust his gut as thoroughly as normal.

Overload, he was on overload and that made him a half slower and a bit more cautious but with a desire to be reckless.

Contradictions abounded and he felt like a stupid fool.

That made him laugh because it reminded him of past conversations. Once they had said they were best friends, did that ever really go away or change. Did it just fade or was it something that could reignite.

Once they had said they were best friends, did that ever really go away or change. Did it just fade or was it something that could reignite.

He missed being close with her and not just physically. Sometimes life was complicated and sometimes it was simple.

Maybe she’d come have a drink and talk about it.

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Some Love Doesn’t Die

Sundays and Stuff

She would scream if he fed her words back to her. Would yell if he said they were inextricably linked so he didn’t.

He just said he always wanted to kiss her one more time and probably do a few other things too.

And then he started writing a tale…

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If You Are Reading This

“If you are reading this and have been doing so consistently than I know you have a deeper interest than curiosity and it is more than ‘you like my writing.’

I haven’t ever believed differently even if your behavior made it questionable and gave me the idea that maybe I am just crazy.”

He stopped and looked at the handwritten note and thought about how if it was some crazy romantic comedy it would be time for some sort of music and mulled over some ideas.

Maybe Don’t Pull Your Love

or

Sentimental Lady

And of course somewhere in the midst of it all you have to include the Year Of The Cat.

And then he thought about how if it really was a movie he’d have to include one of those scenes where he’d run through an airport and barely make it to the gate before her flight.

Breathlessly he’d tell her not to go and give her some line about how he knew things and this particular insight made it clear that they had a future together.

He’d say it wasn’t going to be easy and show he had a plan because she would never go for it without that and then she’d agree.

Maybe there would be a kiss or maybe the camera would zoom in on their hands, fingers intertwined and you’d see them walking out together.

But it all depended on the director because he or she might choose to change the focus.

They might choose to go with a cliffhanger where you didn’t know whether it would end with joy or heartbreak.

Where you couldn’t see if she said yes or no and in an era of sequels that is likely.

She would say “I love you too” and then would come the ‘but’ or maybe it would be more aggressive.

“You are crazy and I would never be with you again.”

They’d show him walking away, head down, unaware that she was watching him go, tears in her eyes.

And the audience would yell at the screen, “turn around, she doesn’t mean it” and that crazy director would make sure the hero would turn his head slightly.

Just enough to let the audience know he might have noticed her but not enough to confirm and they’d have to wait to see if he would fight for her or move on.

Maybe that would lead into Stevie singing I was Made to Love Her

or some song by Journey, insert flashes of the two of them living their separate lives

Add a dash of Van Morrison right about the point it looks like they are about to reconnect:

If you had to include something modern for the younger kids you might add something like this

Or then again you could go the other direction entirely and turn it into something darker, studio might insist going that route because of the potential for money made from the sequel.

He looked down at the handwritten note and felt self-conscious and stupid. That led to feeling angry so he added a few lines that he thought might push her away.

“If you were smart you’d just submit and let me dominate you because you clearly need it from me.”

That didn’t read quite right so he scratched it out and tried something about bending her over the couch.

He decided that didn’t sound quite right either so he scratched it out as well.

Thing was she might be pissed off by all of those things and she might not. She might actually like it, you never could tell for certain.

That irritated him some more and he went back to his initial thought and wrote more about how she kept reading and how contradictory and illogical it all was.

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Together Again

The day she asked him how long it would take him to come back he had told her it would be as soon as possible.

Every time she asked him again he told her the same and swore he was working hard on making it happen.

He knew it was hard to wait and that she was frustrated because he was too.

“Baby, we have been to hell and back. Hold my hand and we’ll manage this too.”

She said ok and for a while that is how it went…until it didn’t.

He was blindsided by her decision to end things and didn’t understand why. When she refused to explain it pissed him off because had the situations been reversed she would have gone ape shit.

But he chose not to try and ride her about it because he didn’t believe they were really done and didn’t want to create more issues.

Stupidity

Years passed and sometimes he would think about her and wonder and sometimes he would have this feeling in his head that she was thinking about him too.

Occasionally he would find himself daydreaming about life with her and get angry with himself.

“This is stupidity. She gives you no indication that she has any interest. Stop being a shmuck and let go.”

He looked at the reflection and told it to try her trick. “Don’t write or call her for one full week. Mark off each day on a chart and then go for a second week. Eventually it will get easier.”

The reflection didn’t answer so he turned and walked away.

A short while late things went to hell and so he found lots of other things he had to focus upon.

In the midst of it all he took a moment to revisit his reflection and said maybe it was a good thing because it was a distraction.

“That’s stupidity. You didn’t stop loving her because of what she did or said and you didn’t stop loving her because your life sucks right now.  Don’t lie to yourself, that is stupidity.”

Time Passes

He climbed back out of hell, wiped off his brow and looked around. It had never been a question of could or would he, but when.

It was a new beginning in multiple ways and he felt some nervous excitement about it.

New job, and new opportunity.

Training required travel and so he went off for a week.

Dinner during training was always on his own. He was exhausted after the first day so he didn’t travel far.

The second day was easier and so he decided the second night would be an adventure and drove down the street.

That is when life surprised him a bit.

He saw a restaurant they had gone to many times and decided to go there, not because of her but because it was a place to get a beer and decent meal.

It started out as an ordinary night. He got his usual sandwich and beer and enjoyed them very much.

Things changed when he got to his car and saw the couple parked next to him.

They were kissing and it reminded him of the last time he had kissed her because it had been in the car at the restaurant.

Neither of them had wanted it to be the last time or serve as the last memory. Hell she had yelled at him about it later.

The memory made him smile because hands had wandered a bit.

“We’re not teenagers.  I am not real happy about this.”

“I know baby, not my choice either. I promise to make it up to you.”

She yelled a bit more but he knew she wasn’t really irritated about location and was more upset abou saying goodbye.

It hurt them both.

****

He reached his car and reality smacked him in the face.

He still missed her.

“Maybe she misses you too. You know she says things when she is angry. Maybe she expects you to ignore it and chase her.”

“She always tells me she doesn’t like when I ignore what she says.”

The reflection smiled and said it depends what you ignore and how.

“Sometimes she wants you to ignore her and do your thing anyhow. She likes when you ‘act’ like the man.”

“That’s true reflection and fuck you for saying it because it is not uniformly true. Sometimes she really doesn’t so if I ignore her when she wants it brings her closer and if I ignore her when she really doesn’t it pushes her away.

So fuck you reflection for confusing the situation. I am not a fucking mind reader.”

He took a deep breath and prepared to drive away.

“You might have to be if you want her back.”

Had it not been dangerous he would have pulled the mirror right off of the windshield but instead he put it up with the smug smile that looked back at him.

Another Time

Much more time passed and he found himself standing in a room with her. It was a public event and there would he no time to even try to talk the way he wanted to.

At one point she would pass by him and he would think for a moment of grabbing her by the hips and whispering, “We need to get coffee” but instead he would let her walk by.

Later that evening his reflection would lecture him about waiting for another time to try and get answers to the questions he had.

It had turned into a long debate and he had angrily muttered something about how he if he never slept with her again it wouldn’t be any more of a shock than waking up and discovering they lived together.

“She’ll give you reasons for why she has no interest or it can’t work one day and then tell you the exact opposite the next and never bat an eye about the contradiction.”

The reflection nodded, “tell her you think women are crazy and she’ll give you her line about men being morons.”

“Fuck you reflection, I am not in the mood. Got way too much shit flying at me now to wonder or worry about whether she loves, wants or needs me. Actions indicate it is nothing of the sort.”

“You don’t know what she is thinking and you shouldn’t base your information solely off what you see. She never says I love you first.”

“Fuck you for the second time reflection, I am not a mind reader. You’re asking me to go walk into the lion’s den hoping to discover they ate recently and won’t hurt me.”

Silence was his only answer and so he walked out the door and into the future, working on buildng the life he wanted.

Together again or together never, write it on a Hallmark card and sell it.

Yesterday was gone and the future unknown all that he could focus upon was what he could hold and touch today.

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The Love Of Your Life

Sometimes people call you the love of their life and promise they will do anything and everything to be there for you but fail to follow through upon that promise.

It might make you scratch your head because you have been to hell and back with them and can’t your dreams not being realized.

And it might make you angry because you can’t believe all that happened or all that hasn’t.

But you need to let go of that anger and push past that pain and accept the possibilities:

  1. They have moved on for whatever reason and your time is over,
  2. They haven’t moved on and might come at some point in the future but your laser focus upon the present prevents you from seeing the bigger picture.
  3. It is something you haven’t considered and you need stop wondering and waiting because it will happen or it won’t.

Acknowledge your love for them and be the hero who walks away without knowing what outcome there will be because you just want them to be happy.

Love yourself enough to remember that you deserve to live a life with or without them.

Love will find you again and if it is not them it will be someone else and it will all be ok.

Be open to possibilities, opportunities, and options.

Remember your heart and your head have to work together because separately they function at 48% and collectively at 96%.

That missing 4 percent is made up of luck and mystery but very few ever get to find it.

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Reaching For The Sky

Sometimes you find yourself wondering how and where you fell short of where it is you want or hope to be.

So you start asking about whether it is a just moment in time or the place you are going to occupy.

You close your eyes and think about what reality is and think hard about whether you are willing to just occupy a single space.

It is a game of inches and a willingness to take a step forward and move the needle when there seems to be no reason or chance to do so.

You can look at the pop culture references and roll your eyes at them because they are trite or cheesy or you can use them to push you.

Because when you face adversity and challenges you have to figure out a way not to be paralyzed by the question of what happens if you fail.

It is not easy.

There are people who stand alongside you regardless of whether they are still in your life or not.

People who helped make it possible to dream big and to imagine that you have a real shot at going to the distance.

And there are always those who will dismiss your dreams and accuse you of being incapable and unreasonable.

You can listen to them tell you why it is impossible or you can ask if what you seek is merely improbable.

Sometimes you cross the desert and or sail across stormy seas because you know home is a place you create with those who journey with you.

Because you hear a symphony inside your head and see a vision of a place that doesn’t yet exist but might if you have the courage to try and create it.

It is not easy and it is scary but it is downright terrifying to never attempt to find out whether fantasy might be reality.

Some people tear through our lives like a shooting star.

They light up our sky and for a moment in time we marvel in the glory of the moment and then they go and the moment goes with them.

We never know whether the moment will be a minute or a million but we do know that if we don’t see them again on this side we hope maybe we will on the next.

Close the door and turn out the lights because the movie is over and the chapter is done.

It is time to see what comes next.

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All I Ask Of You

“I am not your fucking phantom, though sometimes you act like I am a fucking ghost.”

He walked outside and thought about who he was, where he was and what he was doing.

Asked himself if the girl who said she would love him forever and that they were inextricably linked had found reason to disconnect and walk.

Yeah, it was possible and some might even say probable but he wasn’t a mind reader so he couldn’t say one way or another.

He knew that regardless of how she felt now she would say they had an improbable love story and that no one would have ever predicted it.

She would say she had loved him as deeply and as hard as she had loved any other man. Sometimes he thought

Sometimes he thought knowing that would be enough and other times he thought it was tragic.

Because the potential was of the sort few could ever say they had experience and if it never came to be it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say it might make the angels weep.

A heavenly chorus would gnash their teeth and cry out with sadness and anger. He might look upward and tell them not to feel

He might look upward and tell them not to feel badly because you can’t break a heart that is already broken.

That wasn’t entirely fair because the “breakage” wasn’t all romantic in nature and in some ways the other part was the most painful he had ever experienced.

But he was built to last and knew nothing but determination to go forward and see what lay beyond the next bend.

Sundays and Stuff
Under a moonlit sky he looked up said to no one in particular, I have kissed more than a few women but none ever compared to you.

And then he started laughing because he could hear her tell him not to put such pressure on her and or say that he didn’t have to lie to get her into bed.

He wasn’t really sure why he was laughing and wondered if maybe he was losing it.

“You are right babe, I never did have to lie. You saw me and I saw you and once upon a time that was enough. I wonder if you see the way you once did and what your eyes show you.”

He walked down a ways and told her he didn’t need to ask her permission to love her and that he would continue until he didn’t.

“It is a poet’s life, I am living now and I must plumb the depths and explore it. A cave must be illuminated and my mind is that cave.”

Dare To Be

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Forty Different Ways

And it starts like this:

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face is the song that I wanted to write for you. It is the song that I should write for you and maybe one day I shall. It is not an exaggeration to say that you are the song of my heart and that when you left it went silent.

I promised to be your knight and your protector. I promised to be your best friend and your lover. I told you that when you were sad I would kiss your tears away and rock you to sleep.

And I was and I did.

Some might suggest that it makes me less of a man to ask you to give me your hand again. Some might say that I give you too much power by doing so but I don’t think that is so. Maybe it is because I once tamed your heart and touched your soul. Maybe it is because I know that you remember how we learned together how to love and live more deeply than ever before.

Or maybe it is for none of those reasons. Maybe it is for all of those reasons. I really don’t spend much time thinking about how and why because this is not a math problem or some sort of scientific formula that must be followed or needs to be answered.

If I had to answer the question I would tell you to shut up and kiss me. Stop thinking and do. And when you did you would remember and you would know.

You would know that love is wild and that love is real. You would know that sometimes it is like standing in the eye of the storm. Everywhere you look there is wind, rain and lightning, except for that one place that we are standing together holding hands.

And sometimes you find yourself standing inside the storm and find yourself searching for shelter but if you can hold on long enough you always find it in the same place it was before.

Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.

So here we are in the places we stand today farther apart than ever before and still as close as we once were. For it wouldn’t take but a moment for us to remember who we are apart and who we are together. It wouldn’t take but one kiss for our souls to soar and our hearts to surrender.

Sooner or later we shall put intellect aside and surrender to the point, purpose and passion that never left us. It may have gone dormant but not dead. Give it some water and sunshine and its petals will open wide and bloom as brightly as they ever have.

Come let me love you again and let’s resume our journey together. There is still much time and more than a few adventures to be had.

More Than A Memory

No one was more surprised at how things turned out.

I couldn’t have ever predicted we would meet or what would happen once we did.

It wasn’t just lust and it wasn’t just love. It was chemical, it was pheromones.

It was magic.

Unexpected and unplanned we turned life upside down and inside out.

Most of the memories are the kind that you can’t share because they are things that can only be appreciated and understood if experienced.

I don’t know how we found and lost each other and it feels foolish to say it happened more than once.

Hell, I can’t believe I found you once and lost you twice. Can’t understand or wrap my brain around how it all happened.

I just know there was life before you and life after you, expect after feels a whole lot emptier.

Sometimes I look outside my window and think about how lightning struck twice and how just when I thought you were gone we found each other again.

Meeting you obviously wasn’t impossible but improbable is an accurate description.

Some people say I overreacted to losing you and that I should just suck it up and move on.

I told the last person who suggested I just forget to try walking with two broken legs.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t want to or that I didn’t try to. It just means I understand what Garth was talking about when he said you’ll know she’ll be there in your dreams.

Seen you there more than once, had conversations that left me wondering why you weren’t there when I woke up.

Those moments haven’t just been limited to mornings because they aren’t limited to the tick-tock of the clock.

They come and go as they will.

Sometimes I hear your voice, smell your perfume or swear I feel your presence.

I know just how crazy it sounds and I look in the mirror and ask the face looking back at me if he wants to wear one of those special jackets with the arms that tie in the back.

He never takes me seriously, just mimics and mocks me.

Dude looks me in the eye and says he remembers how surprised I was when somehow I got you back.

Says any man who can survive a lightning strike ought to have more faith in higher powers and inexplicable moments.

It pulls a wry grin across my face and I nod my head.
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There had to millions of girls out there and of those millions had to be tens of thousands I could fall in love with and who could fall in love with me.

Why was it you.

Why was it us.

There aren’t good answers to these questions so I find myself saying the things I have said before.

Red dress, blue dress- it doesn’t matter because I don’t just love you. I fucking love you.

And the moment we kissed again I felt you melt into me and I knew you had fallen for me again without your having to say so.

Knew from that moment on that if anything happened it would take one kiss to remind you about whose arms you should be in and whose hand you should be holding.

What Comes Next?

I don’t know how we lost each other again or why we let it happen.

Don’t know how we could have been so dumb but my heart swears it still beats with yours and claims our souls have never stopped their eternal embrace.

Can’t say for certain what comes next but there are moments where I think of calling you and asking you to meet for coffee.

Moments where I think about how I’ll look you in the eye and say you have to kiss me.

Moments where I figure if you say no I’ll tell you we have to do it in the name of science to see what sort of chemical reaction it creates.

Would love to see if my theory is proven true.

My hand is empty without yours in it.

You ought to take it, after all it is offered in the name of science.

And if not, well maybe we’ll find each other one day.

Time Passed

He wrote and rewrote letters to her but never sent them.

Some might say it was because he was scared she would say not and maybe scared she would say yes.

He told himself it was just a matter of timing and that up to now it hadn’t been the right time. It sounded like a silly excuse to him and maybe it was, but there had been this gut feeling that he was following.

A feeling that had pushed, pulled and motivated him for as long as he had known her.

You might say it had gotten him into trouble and you might say it had gotten him out of it.

More time passed and he thought about what he should do and what he could do.

Sometimes he felt like this might be the time to just keep walking but any time he thought about it a voice told him to wait.

Sometimes he would tell the voice it was crazy but it never responded and he stopped talking because it made him think he might really be crazy.

Ultimately he knew he wasn’t and that fear was pushing him a little bit. So he would take a deep breath and keep going as he had.

It wasn’t preventing him from doing any of the things he needed to be doing and he felt confident he would figure everything out in whatever time he needed.

He sighed deeply and muttered something about already having tried forty different ways.

A moment passed and then he looked up at the sky, closed his eyes and felt sunshine warm his body and soul.

Good things would happen, he wasn’t sure exactly what or when, but good things would happen.

(A different version ran here.)

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