I Have Been Thinking

I have been thinking about what it is about the people that make our hearts pounds and our eyes widen. Been thinking about what qualities they have and trying to identify what it is that makes them different.

What is the difference between them and a million other people we could be spending our lives with. Math and science make it clear that there has to be more than just one. Experience proves that we can and will fall in love multiple times but that doesn’t negate that the depth of our love differs.

Some people are just given more of that magic fairy dust that we can’t get enough of. It makes me wonder if there is a time limit on the dust or a time frame it has to be used during.

Will that man or woman who makes us feel more than we have ever felt before have the same impact upon us at any point in our lives. Some people would say no, they’d tell you there are many reasons why you might not fall for them. They’d say timing is everything and part of me is inclined to agree and yet I don’t.

If your eyes and heart are open then they can find you. Or maybe it is the universe puts them and you in a position to find each other and you are given the choice to follow them or not.

You are given the chance to touch the face of god and to experience something magical, something mystical and meaningful. The question is what will you do if you find them during a time or place that is unconventional and inconvenient.

Will you ignore what your heart tells you and make excuses for why you can’t do more and be more. Because when you find that person whose polarity matches yours and whose presence makes your heart and soul sing you can’t pull away without pain.

Sure if you do it early on you can move past and make it seem like less than it is. You can lie to your heart and put blinders upon your eyes and try to convince yourself that what you felt wasn’t what you thought. You can tell the other that they are mistaken and that what they think is wrong.

You can push them in the chest with two hands and hope they believe your hands in their chest are there because they don’t want to be with you. But sometimes you might find they smile and enjoy the touch because they know to be like bamboo, to bend and not break.

They accept the test the universe has presented and they just roll with the punches because sometimes the smartest thing you can do is let that energy pass through you. Because when you roll and release good things happen.

But fear can make you stiff. Fear can hurt your effort to roll and release and when you don’t relax, well there is pain that comes along with it.

I have been thinking about all of this and more. Maybe it is real or maybe it is the ramblings of a giant glass of whiskey.

Some Words Never Lose Their Meaning

We did more than share a moment. We built an entire universe and lived a thousand lives inside our secret world. We loved and we lived. Man loves woman and girl loves boy.

I don’t have to ask your permission to love you and I don’t have to live in the past. I can pretend that once was is just a memory and I can move on past the moment. That is the beauty of choice and free will. But I can also admit, accept and acknowledge that something more is going on and I can follow the signs through the mist and blaze a trail through the fog.

I can see if that helps that which once was morph into that which is and that is what I intend to do. Life is short and our grip is tenuous. So I will do what I do best and dance in the fire and dare the flames to burn me. I will climb the hills and walk through the valleys because that was the promise I made to you and I will hold myself to it.

And I will do what is required so that I can determine whether the ghosts I see are the spirits of the future or the shades of the past. And in the midst of it all I will continue to hold out my hand so that you can take it. Because I never stopped being your hero and I never gave up.

I never regretted doing as I did or choosing as I chose. If time were a person he/she might be viewed as a trickster, one that shows you the past but conceals the future so that you can almost see what lies beyond the bend.

And because you think you can almost make out what lies beneath the surface you act. You do so with the best of intentions and all of your hopes and dreams.

You do so without allowing the possibility that you are wrong, misguided and mistaken stop you. And you do so knowing that good intentions sometimes lead to to poor outcomes but action is better than stasis so you move.

And then you reconsider your movement and decide that sometimes the very best thing you can do is nothing. So you stop in place, close your eyes and just listen to all that is going on around you.

Soon enough it will be time to run with the moon again.

People Talking Without Speaking

“People talking without speaking” describes us because there is never the kind of silence that others experience. Since that switch was flipped there is never a time where there is not some sort of communication going on between us.

There might be moments where the words we speak in silence aren’t heard but that is only because we actively choose to ignore them. We find ways to muffle and ignore things but that hasn’t ever broken the telephone line that reaches across the miles.

It reminds me of that Jimmy Buffet song, if the phone doesn’t ring it is me, at least I think that is the title. Can’t remember the lyrics well enough to know if they are truly appropriate or not. Doesn’t really matter because I am not trying to use those lyrics to make a point or tell a story.

That title says it all to me. It is the active choice not to call even when we want to reach out and fill the other in on what is going on.

Hell, isn’t that really what we want to do even when there is nothing  new to share. Isn’t that sort of the thing that makes life special with someone else. It is that feeling you get when you want to spend time with someone for no reason other than you just like being with them.

Isn’t that part of what life is about, finding the person who you can talk to without speaking. The person who can sit in a room with you and their presence makes you feel better and that is when things are good.

Because when things are bad and you need a shoulder to cry on or arms to be in you go looking for someone. But when that someone is also the person you talk to without speaking, well then you have something special. Then you have something different.

Then you have someone to enjoy the sounds of silence with and someone to enjoy the sounds of life with.

What Do You Do On Sundays

Don’t know if it is a question, statement or exclamation. Could be any one of those and it would be right. Sundays are a day that have taken on all sorts of meanings hidden and revealed.

A time for fun, for reflection, for napping, for introspection and more. Could be any of those things and it would be right or it could be all of them and it would be right.

There are stories to be told about Sundays past but they aren’t nearly as interesting about the stories that will be told about the Sundays of the future.

Those will be days to remember, moments that make up a life. The only question is do we share what we see now or wait until later.

Singing A Song

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Or

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Just use your heart not your head
While I fall apart in my bed
I find myself aching for you
I feel myself breaking in two

So don’t tell me when I should
Come on home
There might be a time you don’t
Want me around
Don’t build your world around me
And don’t hold me tight
‘Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise

Been doing my dance and singing my song all by myself because in times like these it is what I do best. Circle the wagons, raise the drawbridge and retreat to the quieter places within the castle.

Not because I am sad, alone or lonely but because some moments in life aren’t shared. They are the times when you look inward and ask the hardest questions a person can ask of themselves because the answers you get are the puzzle pieces that you need for the map in your mind.

You know that map, the one that you use to figure out where it is you want your life to take you.  You could argue it is the most important document you own because ignoring what is written there is the fastest way to cause yourself the kind of pain that doesn’t just go away.

The words that are written upon it are the ones that are most secret, most solemn and most soulful. These are the words you only share with he/she you care and trust the most.

Sometimes when you look at it you find holes which used to be filled by pins representing the people who journey with you and wonder what made those pins shake loose and fall off. And sometimes you look again and see they have rejoined you at a later date.

That is because sometimes our journeys require separation before reunion and sometimes they just require.

Things People Say

Do People Find You To Be Boring? led us this place where we shared some words and said things out loud or at least thought we did.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King, Different Seasons

She asked him if he ever worried about the magic disappearing or reaching a time where it didn’t feel the same and he said no. He knew she didn’t agree and that she didn’t say so because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings and he was ok with that.

The differences between them were a strength. She worried about their fighting and he celebrated it because he didn’t see it as evidence of issues. He saw it as something that happened when they were separated. They didn’t fight about big and important things, they fought about stupid, childish stuff.

And when they were together they just didn’t fight.

Sure they would disagree and sometimes bicker but it never was more than a brief moment and never something that made them say I can’t stand the other.

Simply put they always knew that they wouldn’t get tired of the other. You could lock them in a room or put them on an island and they would make it work because they didn’t have to worry about the big issues that make people crazy. They understood what drove the other and it gave them pleasure to give that to each other.

None of this meant that they wouldn’t want some time apart or need to occasionally be alone because they did, but it was more of a recognition that it was good and it was healthy. And it was always viewed in terms of hours and not days.

Because days apart was what would create the hole and the tension. It was when she would wonder about him and sometimes when she would test him he would forget it was what she was doing. She was testing him, confirming that he loved her as much as he said he did. She knew it was silly but it was hard for her not to do, hard not to wonder if this was the time when he truly wasn’t coming back.

That was probably because of that one time where it took him so very long to come out. She felt like he had dragged his feet and she could never understand why he had done it for as long as he did. It had made her resent him and feel like he was just saying he loved her to say it and not because he meant it.

And then he had finally really done as she had asked and that had turned her world upside down. The timing had been off for her and that made her angry.

Of course she never could stay angry with him which only frustrated and upset her more. Except every time she would see him her heart would do a little flip and she would find herself floating. He made her feel like a teenager but never let her forget that he saw her as a woman.

It didn’t prevent him from doing things that would aggravate her or make her wonder sometimes what his problem was, but more often than not she would find herself wondering how time could move so very quickly when they were together and so damn slowly when they were apart.

Still bad timing was bad timing and the hurdles in life that opposed them were in her mind too large to be overcome or ignored so she made the decision to walk away again.

And as usual for a long while she did so and even though she missed him she stayed silent because it made it easier. Each day she didn’t communicate with him brought her that much closer to the moment where it wouldn’t hurt not to have him in her life or so she told herself.

Except that didn’t work as well as she liked. She missed him telling him about her day and hearing about his. She liked being a part of his life and having him be a part of hers.

And when she was upset he was still the first person she wanted to talk to about whatever was bothering her. And that was the keystone and crux of it all.

Too much communication made her miss him and too little did too.

 

How Do Tear Down A Wall

How do you tear down a wall? You can do it by wrapping two hands in her hair and kissing her hard on her mouth.

You can do it by wrapping her in your arms and whispering in her ear exactly what you are going to do to her. You can do it by telling her you don’t buy what she is saying and that it is time to stop talking.

Sometimes she needs someone to put her in her place, to manhandle her and throw her around a bit. She needs to be reminded that she is a woman and that she has needs and that her needs intersect with yours.

If you do it right she will willingly give herself to you and together you’ll reach places otherwise unattainable. Her body will move with yours and she’ll give you that smile that no one else gets.

But it is based upon trust.

If she trusts you she will let you take her body and do what you will with it. She’ll join you, help you, show you and experience it all with you.

And later on if she tells you it wasn’t all that memorable you’ll nod your head and smile because you know she is either teasing you or trying to convince herself that it was less than it was because it makes it easier to let it go.

And then you’ll have to figure out if you want to tear it down again.

And somewhere in the midst of it all you’ll both realize that your sex drive never died or left you. It just went to sleep for a while.

Dawning Of A New Day

 I no longer remember when you were not a part of me, not in a real sense. And if we should ever be separated, truly separated my soul would always remember. Be it ten minutes or ten years I know that it would take but a moment for it all to come back.

Once those were only words written upon a piece of paper, said with meaning and intent but lacking the proof that comes from action. And now we know through through dumb luck, divine providence or simple coincidence that what was written was and is true.

The magic of reunion that comes with the moment of union served as a spark and now long past that moment we know across the endless time and space I find you but whether you are standing on the other side of a wall or holding open a door no one can say.

Only time will reveal what lies beyond the veil and the dawning of a new day will come.

Men!

Sometimes she wondered what it would take for him to really believe that she was serious and that he should stop hoping for what she couldn’t give him.

He looked too far into the future, pushed too hard and asked for too much.  It was frustrating and it made her angry because she really didn’t want to hurt him except if she didn’t he would continue to hold out hope. It hurt her to hurt him and that was part of what made her angrier with him because he kept forcing her hand.

Sometimes he would make these comments that made it easy to walk away because it was clear to her that she was doing to right thing and then something would happen and she would find herself thinking thoughts that she just couldn’t let continue. And that made her angry too, because it was easier when she could see him as being annoying yet somehow he always managed to slip by her guard.

So she would make her list of reasons why he had to go and why he couldn’t be more than just a friend. Fortunately it wasn’t like school because if she had to see him every day it would be too hard. She didn’t believe he wouldn’t try to change her mind. Didn’t believe he wouldn’t work extra hard to get her into bed.

It didn’t matter how many times he said he could be her friend because she knew him. And she knew how charming he could be and how little things he did would catch her eye and make her think that maybe she could have some fun.

*****

There was a time when he was furious with her because he thought she lied to herself and to him. He didn’t make a big deal of it because he didn’t see it as malicious or think that it was done to hurt him. It was just part of how she protected herself.

He got that, understood it and went about his life. Sometimes he wondered what she would do if she truly thought she might lose him forever. Wondered what sort of reaction that would get.

It wasn’t clear to him whether it would make her resent him or if it would make her try to stay. Sometimes she accused him of being melodramatic but he knew he wasn’t the kind of man who wanted that kind of drama. There wasn’t any reason to try to force her to make a choice like that.

When she told him to give up he nodded his head and didn’t say much. Mostly there wasn’t all that much to say, bad timing was playing its role in things but life had taught him not to spend too much energy worrying about what might or might not happen.

Right now he couldn’t have what he really wanted, wouldn’t matter if she offered because now wouldn’t work for him. He didn’t think she believed him when he said that. He figured she thought it was a ploy and when she said as much he laughed and told her he was going to take her to bed.

He wasn’t surprised when her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. He stayed silent not because he feared arguing with her but because sometimes silence was simply best.

Let her wonder if he was playing or serious.

One day when she wanted to go to bed he would say no and he would make her ask at least twice. Yeah, it was kind of silly but he liked putting it out there because it aggravated her.

It was a silly sort of aggravation in his mind, kind of like pulling on her pigtails. He knew that it might not serve his cause, but sometimes you just did things without worrying about every little consequence.

She would be his or she wouldn’t. If it happened than it wouldn’t matter whether he teased her about sex or not. Truth was they were far beyond that place.

Sometimes he laughed when he thought about what a different man he was because he really believed that she couldn’t kiss him without opening her heart completely to him. One kiss and it would all be over.

Laughed because the guy he used to be would have rolled his eyes and told him he was an idiot. Would have said not to waste time thinking about any of this because sometimes life just says no.

And he would look at that guy and say you are right, sometimes life just says no and he would walk away and not look back.

No sense wasting time on a discussion like that. No one was going to prove anyone right or wrong and he had more important things to do than spend days wondering about it all.

It was the one thing in life he saw in black and white. Would or wouldn’t happen and there wasn’t a damn reason to be concerned about it now.

What Is Betrayal

Someone asked him to talk about betrayal, to spell it out exactly as he saw it and understood it. When he did they told him they were disappointed with his definition because they thought it was entirely too selfish.

They said his definition justified bad behavior and suggested his moral compass was skewed in a way that prevented him from seeing right from wrong.

He told them to stick it and said that true betrayal came when a person denied the truth of their heart and  it made him angry and sad.

Experience had taught him that he couldn’t make anyone do anything they didn’t want to do and therefore the only thing he could control was his own actions and reactions.

When she pulled away from him again he wasn’t entirely surprised nor shocked. His initial response was anger, but mostly at himself because he felt like he had set himself up for a fall.

But he didn’t ignore her either because her actions were illogical, irrational and out of the blue.

She wouldn’t describe it like that. Nor would she appreciate his saying she was a revisionist but that is how these things go. No couple manages to go through an entire relationship without a difference of opinion about big and little things.

He thought about telling her off but chose not to because he saw no upside to it. It really wouldn’t make him feel any better and he really had no desire to make her feel badly either.

And so it was that when he was asked about betrayal he was thinking about her and how he had chosen to open his heart to her again knowing it was possible that the outcome wouldn’t be as he wished.

When he thought about it he shook his head because not long before she cut it off she had asked him if they would ever get to spend the holidays together. She had said she loved him and gave him every indication that her feelings were intact.

But in this case betrayal wasn’t about her, it was about him.

More specifically it was his decision to follow his heart and he was certain that had he ignored his heart he would blame himself for betraying a promise he had made to himself.

A promise to follow his heart and chase a dream knowing full well that the dream might not ever be recognized but confident that whatever the outcome was he would be able to say he had done all he could.

To not follow that dream would be a betrayal to himself and those types of moments are among the worst a person can have. It is one thing to lie to another person but lying to yourself was always worse.