Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Plane Ticket

Saw an ad for cheap flights from New York to Tel Aviv and thought about buying a ticket.

It was more money than I wanted to spend but far less than it would normally cost. Wasn’t a real thought until Joe Cocker started singing The Letter and suddenly it became real.

A sense of urgency surrounded it and I started thinking about what would happen if I just happened to be sitting at a cafe in Jerusalem when she walked by.

Thought about the surprised smile on her face when she saw me wandering through the same museum or taking pictures on top of Masada.

Heard her say you are crazy and saw me smile.

Crazy like a fox and crazy in the sense of people once thought the idea of space travel was crazy.

Stared at the ticket and thought about how every great explorer had faced significant challenges and risk. Thought about how many people let their fear of failure prevent them from taking a chance.

I had the choice to stand with either group. All I had to do was decide which I wanted to be a part of.

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What I Want To Do

This is tied into this post here.

I’ll never forget the day you told me you could take better care of me than anyone else because until then I hadn’t thought about how much trust I had in you to do so.

Or maybe it is more accurate to say I didn’t trust anyone to do it the way I wanted. I just didn’t believe anyone could or would.

And now all I want to do is take care of you.

I am better at it than anyone else.

You can say what you want but if nothing else I have always been good at loving you. I don’t have to think about how or why to do some things, I just know.

And I know when you let the wall down you know know it too.

It is part of our connection, the one that has never died, faded or gone away.

Sure there are times where we pretend it has and claim it is different but the only difference is it is deeper.

You know I would step in front of a bus for you and that if someone was messing with you it would never be you alone because I would be there.

And if you were aggravated it would probably be because you didn’t want as much help as I gave.

Don’t ask me to explain or try to figure it out because life doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes it just is.

All I want to do is take care of you.

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How Do You Know?

Sometimes he would say “I know things” and she would smile and agree. Other times she would question him and ask how he could know what is unknowable.

“We can’t see or tell the future. All we have to do is look at our past to prove that to be true.”

He would nod his head and say she was right, he couldn’t know, not for certain.

“Sometimes you walk through the dark room and even though you know where all the furniture is you stub your toe and get hurt. Other times you make it without any issues.

But unless you know the floor is covered in broken glass or alligators you still walk through it in the dark. I figure there is no risk without reward and I can only go off of what I feel, what I know and what I want.”

He watched her nod her head and when she didn’t speak he continued.

“I have told you a million times if you hold my hand I’ll keep walking with you and see what happens. Got more reasons to find out what could be than reasons not to. There is no timeline here other than whatever one we choose to make ourselves.

I know what my head says and what my heart feels. That is enough for me.”

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You Love Quotes

She asked him why he loved quotes so much and he told her he loved words, loved learning and loved people.

She asked him who he loved most.

“Not you, you know it can’t be you.”

She rolled her eyes and asked why he always had to tease her but all she got in response was a mischievous grin.

“Baby, you know that quote I shared with you years about ago from Emerson, the one where he says tell me what you know?”

“The one where he says he hates quotations and people should say what they know?”

“Yeah, that is the one. Well it lies in the back of my mind because I agree with it. People like to toss out quotes to make themselves look intellectual and or well educated but they don’t always understand what they are sharing.

I don’t want to ever be that guy.”

“Who do you want to be?”

“I want to be the one who spends time with you.”

She rolled her eyes at him again.

“You only say that because I never say no.”

This time he rolled his eyes.

“That  is patently false. You disagree with a ton of what I say and I often disagree with you.”

“Wait, are you saying we can’t get along?”

“No, I am saying it is good to disagree and that it proves certain things about us. It proves we like and respect each other. I think we listen and learn from each other. That is so important, it means we grow together.

I like knowing you won’t just accept everything I say and vice-versa. It is good to challenge ourselves and it is ok not to agree on everything.”

He watched her nod her head and smiled.

“Mister, I know that smile and I am not sure that I like it. Every time it comes out it means trouble is coming.”

He laughed, “but it is the best kind of trouble to have or…get into.”

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Why Be Serious All The Time

shadow

or maybe we should look for more romance

destined for me
because
Reason with heart
and it reminds me
garden
After all this time I believe this to be true.
friend

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Doubting Doubt

She felt his hands find her hips and her body stiffened. This wasn’t supposed to be happening, but she didn’t pull away.

He pressed up against her and she felt his breath against her neck.

When he heard her say “we can’t” he smiled because he knew that meant “she would” and what was once forbidden would be his again.

*****

Felt you shudder when I took you in my arms. We were fully dressed and I watched as you took it all in. Watched you walk up and down my body, saw you memorize each piece and part, wondered what it was you saw.

I knew things then and I know things now.

One kiss changed it all. One kiss turned the world upside down and inside out.

A moment from the movies come to real life.

*****

She smiled at him again.

“It was easier when we weren’t talking.”

He laughed, “no it wasn’t. We were both miserable, you especially. You just didn’t know it.”

“That cocky attitude of yours is going to get you into trouble. You shouldn’t be so confident.”

*****

You said we can be friends and asked me if that was too hard. You said that was all you could give. I told you that you should kiss me and see if you felt something more. I wrapped my fingers in your hair and stuck my nose in your neck.

You kept your face turned, but your breathing wasn’t as even as it had once been. I didn’t have to put my head against your chest to know your heart was starting to pound. Didn’t have to do anything because the bells were going off at a rapid rate and I could hear your thoughts.

I didn’t push you to kiss me after that. I was confident that if I had you would have, but I decided it wasn’t necessary. You know the spark is there and you want to do something but the timing isn’t right for you.

That is ok. There is no rush.

If this is what I think it is then everything will fall into place as it should.

*****

I tell you that I am sorry. I don’t know how or why some things play out the way that they do. I have enough trouble remembering my own name. But I know things and this much is certain, whatever has happened is done. Now we have the future we once talked about except now it is real. Now we have countless hours to do and to be. It is good that we aren’t teenagers anymore because now we know what is real and what isn’t.

Moonlight fills the room and the lights dance in your eyes. We started a story whose end doesn’t have to wait any longer because our future is now. Take a leap of faith and believe.

*****

I know what my heart says, but my head says don’t be a fool. Don’t write these things down because you sound crazy. Don’t open the door and don’t look back.

But you don’t become a writer unless you know how to dream. And the very best dreams come from the heart- source of passion, power and magic.

*****

I suppose if we could sing we would have done our own rendition of Streisand and Diamond singing You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore. And maybe for a time that would have been all she wrote. Maybe for a time that would have been all that we could have.

But I have a dream that we are going to find a time and a way to give it another shot. I have a dream that the tears that have been shed and the pain of our separation will end. I have a dream that we are going to get a chance to do it right, except the funny thing is that in many ways I don’t think we did it wrong.

Can’t say what I believe in whether it is meant to be or not. Can tell you that I am sorry that we never got the chance to have those six kids we talked about. Can tell you that there have been moments where I have seen us together in my dreams. And every time I have seen a big house and heard a ton of noise from all of the children running around.

One could be bitter about that or get lost somewhere in the echoes of time but I hear the echoes of the future calling and I think we should answer. The dream I have now gives us decades of life to live and love and to laugh.

I am still here singing our song. I never stopped singing it. If I were a painter I would paint it for you.

There is this big empty hand that is reaching out across time and space. There are are arms that would wrap you in them and a heart calling out for you.

And nestled among the hope there is fear too. There is concern that maybe yesterday is all there is and that we missed out on the time of our life. There is fear that giving the fire free reign might leave my insides with fresh burns long before the scars of the past have had a chance to heal.

Yet that hand remains because the only way to learn whether a fool frolics freely is to dance in the fire and I have been dancing for you for a thousand years now.

In that dream I see you living your life but looking out the window. You are waiting for me to call or come for you. You give me the barest hint of your interest and wait for me to do what you fail to say out loud.

*****

For a moment you look away, the look in my eyes too intense. I walk over to the bed and gently lift your head so that our eyes can connect again. I tell you that I never stopped singing that song. Some people come into your life for but a moment, others for a lifetime and some for longer still. You laugh and tell me that I don’t need to use cheap lines to get you. I shake my head and whisper “no.”

*****

Sometimes I think about feeding those words back to you and I laugh because they are as true when I say them as when you do. That is because sometimes in life you find a person who carries your heart in the palm of their hand and whose presence always soothes your soul.

I stopped trying to figure out why it happened as it has just as I stopped trying to figure out how it all works because I know what you like and what you need.

++++

These are not words spoken from bravado. They are said quietly, plainly, humbly. They are words I believe in because when you carry someone’s heart in your hand you damn well better understand and know.

And you better understand it doesn’t mean you can’t ever hurt, offend or upset that person because your insight and your privilege makes it easier than any other to do those things.

But it also means you have a gift that you can use to help heal their heart.

And a gift you can share to help build a life that is more together than it is apart.

Some things can’t be stopped, they can only be delayed.

*****

She rolls her eyes at me and tells me not to push my luck and then I smile and tell her it is never smart to argue with the boss. Before she can reply I pull her in and kiss her hard on the mouth.

As she kisses me back she tells me that I am not off the hook yet, “we’ll discuss it later.”

*****

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

Surprise, just when you thought there were no more to be had you discover that life can still throw rocks at you and that they can do more than just sting.

They can force you to your knees and forget who you are and what you promised to be. Promises made, promises broken and confusion reigns supreme.

*****

Time is a fickle bitch.

Expands and contracts like some kind of crazy accordion.

Sunsets.

Days.

Silence.

Except just when you have become accustomed to the silence you don’t just hear, you feel their presence and you begin to remember.

One heartbeat.

Belief.

Confidence that what isn’t tangible is real and that what can’t be seen can be believed.

And once you accept that you survived the moments that you thought would stop you in your tracks and understand how to read the map upon the scars, well then you are on your wa, aren’t you

One kiss restores faith and erases doubt.

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Greatest Hits

I don’t know that I trust comments as being the most reliable metric, but it provides a place to start.

Plenty of Time

Georgie

The Beginning Of The End

Stargazing

Whom The Gods Ignore

Building a Future

Footsteps

The Modern Woman

Why Do You Keep Fighting?

Who dunnit?

Forbidden

Who Can It Be Now?

Moments In Time

Asked and Answered

We Used To Be Them

Eye Contact

I Want To Die

Road Rage

Pink Sports Cars

I Know Things

What I Miss

Time Travel

Full Moon Rising- Murderers Unite

Catching Up

The Dream

Be My Valentine

She Says She’ll Never Get Married Again

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

A Moment To Remember

I See You Standing There

Forever and Never

One Day At A Time

Telephone

Georgie In The Mountains

 

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Saddle Up- Writing, Ranches & Relationships Revisited

“I still can’t believe you moved back and didn’t tell me you were coming. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Baby, we all fight different battles. I don’t know all of the ones you fought but I hope you’ll share those stories with me because what happens to you happens to me. But during the time when I was gone things went to hell for me and I went through some very dark, difficult and hard moments.”

She watched him stare off into space and when he put his face into his hands she rubbed his head and said nothing. A moment of silence extended into something longer but still she waited for him to speak.

“Men are socialized to be providers. We are taught that you take care of your family and when something interrupts your ability to do so you do your best to change it, except some times it doesn’t change as quickly as you want it to and you feel like you have fallen down the rabbit hole and nothing makes sense.

It makes you question yourself and you start to wonder if maybe something is wrong with you and you are just too close to see it. Makes you question every part of who you are and that is when you realize that even though you haven’t given a damn what society thinks society still got to you. You realize that right or wrong some of your self worth is tied up in doing what is expected.”

“Honey, you are being too hard on yourself, corporate America is a bust and it has been for years.”

“Maybe I am, doesn’t matter because I had to look inwards and at myself. Right or wrong I couldn’t blame it all on someone else. But I figured it out.”

She smiled and asked him how.

“I looked in the mirror and told my reflection to ‘saddle up.'”

She rolled her eyes and asked if he always had to use that ‘macho crap.’

“Baby, when you are up against you will do whatever you can to pump yourself back up into believing that you’ll find a way out. So I did what I had to do.”

He walked over to the desk and grabbed a Post- Note.

“This quote is one of mantras and something that I have lived by for a long time. It is a big part of how I got through it all.

“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”― Winston S. Churchill

“I like that but none of that answers my question. How could you move back without saying something to me?”

” I guess there are two parts here.

There are about five people in the world whose opinion about me matters and you are one of them. I didn’t want you to see me as a screw up and I felt like I needed to square some things in my world first.

A while back I heard this expression that is what is meant for you won’t go past you and I thought it made sense for us.”

She shook her head at him and made a face.

“Sometimes you make me crazy. I don’t believe in any of that destiny stuff. How could you risk us on that? And I don’t think of you as a screw up, you know I have always loved you for you are. Corporate America is a bust.”

This time he laughed.

“I didn’t risk ‘us’ on a bunch of ‘woo woo’ stuff or anything that isn’t scientific. We are here aren’t we.”

She started to answer but he asked her to let him finish.

“I could give you the standard answer about how unexpected finding each other was and how many ways we defy what could have or should have happened but I won’t. Because the thing is I didn’t wait to see if that statement was true.

I worked my ass off to get to where I am at, to buy this house and have a new life. I danced in the fire covered in gasoline and kept going so that I would reach a point where I felt not just secure about where I was but good. The plan was to contact you soon.  I didn’t expect that we would run into each other at the store, that sort of threw my plan off.”

Her eyes narrowed, “oh, so you just happened to show up at a place you know I shop at regularly.”

“No, I just happened to be at a place millions of people shop regularly during the business day. Who knew that you would happen to not only show up at the same time but park your car two down from mine.”

She smiled and told him his story sounded awfully suspicious.

He laughed and told her it wasn’t.

“I never drove by your house before and I still haven’t.”

“That is a likely story.”

“Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. Or maybe there is more truth to what is meant for you won’t go past you than we thought.”

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Musical Interlude

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