Might be time to revisit this one.
Monthly Archives: September 2014
I am standing in the middle of the desert watching the light fade away while The Cowboy Junkies sing about Sweet Jane.
No one else around so there is no reason why I can’t turn up the volume so that I don’t have to strain to hear the words but I choose to leave it set as it is.
There is something about straining to hear the words in the middle of nowhere that appeals to me. Maybe it is the idea that a whispering sound makes me think that perhaps some entity will speak to me.
That blaze of 0range and red in the distance almost looks like fire so it doesn’t take much effort to picture a voice coming from a burning bush. In a few moments the fire will be consumed and the light that shines down so brightly will be exchanged for twinkly dots.
Somewhere in between the exchange there will come a moment where I think I hear other voices but I am not sure what they are saying. I try harder and harder to make out the words but the soft mumbling never gets any easier to decipher.
Time loses all meaning for me and I can’t tell you how long I have been standing here or how long ago the music stopped playing. Sweet Jane has gone to wherever she slumbers when not needed and now I am lost in the glow of a million lights in the sky.
Out here there are no city lights to obscure the ethereal quality of a black background peppered with white spots and I am awestruck by it. It is a celestial painting that would be even more magnificent if I could share it but there is no one with me other than those I carry in memory.
I think about trying to take pictures of the sky that I could send. I think about if that would help me better describe the scene but decide some moments cannot be recaptured or shared at a later date. All you can do is live in the one you have and move on to the next one that follows.
Lying down upon the hood of the car, back supported against the windshield I contemplate what I would say if I had the chance and decide I would say nothing because there is nothing to be said.
I know precisely what I think and how I feel and am certain that my recollection is accurate.
Others engage in their chicanery so that they may convince themselves of things they say but don’t really believe. But in this matter I am certain about my position and confident that it doesn’t fall into the category of the lies we tell.
Sometimes you kiss someone and you know it is a routine, habit or worse realize they are kissing you because they think they have to.
And sometimes you kiss someone once and the charge that goes through your body makes it clear that you are connected at more than your lips and you if you opened your eyes you wouldn’t be surprised to find yourself and your partner on an island.
It is magical. It is magnificent and it is moving.
One could even say it is spiritual.
It is the kind of kiss that can be life changing, one moment in time that you look at and know it marks when your life changed forever.
I am glad that I am not the original author of the quote below because it has been attributed to a million different people.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole.- Unknown
“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
“Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.”
— Nicholas Sparks (The Last Song)
“The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.”
― Bertrand Russell
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss
“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.”
― John Wayne
“These woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
― Robert Frost, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win.”
― Stephen King
“Living is Easy with Eyes Closed.”
― John Lennon
He wasn’t sure if he should call and let her know he was going to be in town. It was a quick business trip and he wasn’t sure how much time he would have let alone whether she would be free to meet him.
They were in that funny place that is only understood by those who have fallen in love with someone who they haven’t been able to spend time with. Circumstances had thus far prevented them from living life together but that didn’t mean it would always be that way.
Or at least that was his approach. She didn’t always take the same perspective or at least she didn’t voice it. He always believed she hoped that was true but that she wouldn’t voice it because it was easier to protect her heart by not saying it out loud. Silence made it easier to adopt lesser expectations.
It hurt to think about being in town and not seeing her but he wondered if maybe that would make it easier for her. She wouldn’t have to wonder or worry about being asked to come back to his room and he wouldn’t have to worry about being rejected if he did.
But if she found out he had come to town and not called she would be hurt too. Not telling her he was going to be there was different from giving her a choice to see or not see him.
And if he was honest with himself he had no doubt that she would see him. Nor did he doubt that if he tried to kiss her she would kiss him back.
She might ask him not to. She might suggest he keep his distance but it wasn’t because she didn’t want to and that was the issue, or maybe it wasn’t.
He loved to call her his girl, especially because of the smile she would give him when he did but she was very much a grown woman who had no trouble making decisions for herself.
It was entirely possible she would have no problem in saying yes to anything and everything he had thought of. They had always been proud of how well they communicated so he decided it would be foolish not to let her know he was coming.
Maybe the real truth was that even after all these years she still made his heart pound and that made him feel like a kid. The last time they had gotten together he tripped in the parking lot and came close to smashing his face against a car.
One day that might have made for a funny story, but he was thankful not to have to tell it now.
Maybe if he didn’t love her it would be easier but he did and he hoped that one day they would share a life. Circumstances may have made it more challenging to get there but he figured that since they always found a way back to each other it was proof that one day back would lead to steady.
“No matter where you go
I will find you
In the place with no frontiers
No matter where you go
I will find you
If it takes a thousand years”
Some people might say I am crazy. Some might say I have no reason to hold on and to walk through deserts or climb mountains but I have never been real good at listening to what others say.
You might tell me I am not good at listening to anyone and you might point out that I never paid attention to you telling me to get lost either. I’d probably agree with you and say it is true. I didn’t and I haven’t listened.
Maybe it is foolish to listen to my heart and to ignore my head. Blame it on the bells I hear inside my head. Blame it on that overwhelming feeling I get of connection and belief you tried to push me away because you thought it was the right thing to do and not because you wanted to.
Call it the romantic inside that says we have one of the great love stories and that sometimes those only materialize because people were willing to work hard for it. I never feared the hard work or believed that instant gratification was the only way to get to that next place. You and I have our paths and sometimes they haven’t intersected the way we wanted them to.
But that has never made me believe that was enough to walk away and ignore the bells. I don’t fear challenge. I don’t fear dragons, demons or burning rivers.
We are older than we once were and the time that we lost during the empty season won’t ever be recovered but we know how quickly we resumed our places that time has no meaning for us. We could be separated for a million years and it would take nothing more than our hands brushing against each other to remind us of who we are.
And the memories of those past moments intersect in my head with moments that haven’t yet come. It might sound hokey, ridiculous and or like a silly cliche but I believe there is a future for us. I could draw it on a napkin or tell the story here and perhaps I already have.
I manage my expectations. Have always been good about that, about focusing on what I knew and had control of but sometimes you have to let go of control and just run with the moon.
Every time I do that good things happen. When I close my eyes I can see you looking back at me.
I don’t share all of my thoughts or say all I see because sometimes I like to keep things close to the vest but I can picture a time when we are together and that doesn’t happen because when you are with the person that fills those empty spaces…
Maybe I am crazy, but I think we did and we do and we will.
Sometimes that twinge you feel that people refer to as heartbreak is a good thing. It is a silent alarm that reminds you that the empty feeling and the ache that comes with it is because you found the puzzle piece that fills that place.
You can choose to ignore it and hope it goes away or that it is filled by another or you can accept it and recognize it for what it is and what it means.