Monthly Archives: September 2019

Is She Royalty?

The bells go off and I turn my head to see where they are coming from never really wondering or worrying if I can find their source.

Because the same north star I have known for years rises each evening and I can find it on cloudy and moonlit nights.

While I can ignore the call I can never forget it the siren song and I don’t know that I want to.

My heart feels the touch of another and were the real hand to wrap itself in my mind I would know it.

Just as I know I would remember those lips because time and distance have no meaning here.

Is she royalty?

Maybe.

Maybe she is my queen or a princess. Maybe she is a member of the queen’s court.

Doesn’t matter to me as what I know and feel are not influenced by titles, but if makes her happy to be a queen well then she can be one and I’d be happy too.

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A Hit & Run

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”
― Kahlil Gibran

He looked at her picture and told her what he was thinking and waited for her response but none came.

“Woman, I know you know what I said and much of what I am thinking, but you don’t know everything.

I know a few things about you and can speculate about the others. I am guessing you go back and forth about kissing me again. Sometimes it seems like a ridiculous idea and sometimes the best.

But who knows all the details or whether I’ll set you on fire again.”

That is what he suspected would happen–they would set each other on fire–assuming they stepped into the proverbial ring of fire.

Sometimes he was certain he knew which way it would go and sometimes he was certain he knew nothing.

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Let’s Get Naked

He pulled up her picture, smiled and was surprised to hear him speak out loud.

“Let’s get naked.”

It made him chuckle and he thought about it for a moment, he wanted it. Not just the physical but the other part too.

He could feel her…always.

Sometimes he thought it was nonsense and proof he was crazy and sometimes he called it something more like fate.

He thought about asking her to step into his arms and tell him it didn’t feel like the most natural fit.

Like they were made for it.

He could hear her agree and he could feel her skepticism and could hear her say he just wanted to get laid and or blown.

He did…with and by her but not just once.

He didn’t know if that meant forever and wouldn’t plan that far in advance, but he knew he wanted to experience things again.

And he knew that what drove it was more than just lust. It was the deeper connection that made the engine roar.

Maybe they would make each other roar once more, maybe not.

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Love Burns & Burns

Someone asked how he could refer to her as the girl and said he should call her the woman.

He laughed and said she knew he thought of her as a woman and that calling her “the girl” was something she probably wasn’t bothered by.

“I used to ask her if she was my girl and she’d smile as she said always and forever. Sometimes I’d call her my woman and we’d go through the same thing.

Didn’t matter, I was hers, she was mine.”

He nodded his head and asked, so what are you now?

“Love burns and burns. If either of us died it would do some damage to the other. Might wreck us in a way, might not. Might do a lot of things, might not.

We are friends. We are lovers. We are partners. We are all of that and none of that. If I am anything like Springsteen writes in Born to Run I’ll love her with all of the madness in my soul.

Is that eternal, ephemeral or something else? I don’t know.

Stick us in a room and leave us there for a week and then ask.”

He said it didn’t answer his question and stared at me.

“We’re not obligated to answer your question. You may not see her fingers intertwined in mine or body wrapped up against me but if you have true sight you can see our hearts and souls holding tightly to each other…forever.

Sounds like a junior high answer but it goes deeper and it is not defined in traditional methods.”

He shook his head and said that sounded like bullshit.

“You can call it whatever you want. If it makes you feel better there are moments where we have used less savory descriptions, but we always come back to each other in some fashion.

It is not for you or anyone else to accept, like or dislike it. We don’t care.”

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I Found You…Again

I told you I could be like Hawkeye or whatever the hell his name is and that I could find you again.

Told you that you have long been my northstar and that I can always find my way back.’

I don’t know how or why it works but I know it does. I know what I think and what I feel.

Know I would jump if I had to and then find you again.

Why?

Because we are connected.

I found you once. Lost you. Found you again. Lost You.

And now I found you.

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I Will Find You

I might integrate this into this post or might not.

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Staring At The Ceiling

He once asked her how she was doing and she said she was staring at ceiling.

He laughed and said if that meant she was bored she could hop up on all fours or she could stay as she was and he’d work harder.

She smiled and kissed him hard on the mouth, as she wrapped her legs more tightly around him he silently laughed to himself.

It was harder to thrust and given a slightly different situation he would have gotten rougher but she didn’t give him a sense that was what she was looking for so he kept going and tried hard to make her as happy as he was.

That had been a lifetime ago and since then she had rejected his advances, sometimes politely and sometimes aggressively.

Some months ago he had looked her in the eye and said he couldn’t guarantee they would be together again or that they wouldn’t.

She had smiled and said nothing.

Sometime he thought about putting his hands on her hips to see how she would respond.

The last time he had taken her hand in his she had given him a broad smile and looked around the room.

****

That night of the scary man moment the week before had gotten him thinking too.

He had almost walked over to the car door and sat down in it. Almost insisted she have a real conversation and to be alone in a place where those pheromones could engage.

Maybe he was crazy and maybe he wasn’t, but it sure felt like there was some chemistry.

Sure felt like the time to ask “when was the last time you got fucked properly.”

She might roll her eyes and tell him to get lost or that it was none of his business and she might do that other thing she did.

She might show him that thing where he just knew because they could see things in each other.

And he wondered again what she would do if she let her lips touch his and melted into him.

He could always tell her he would never do it again. She wouldn’t believe it. She was certain he would get naked with her as soon as she said yes.

But he knew she knew how stubborn and determined he could be if he set his mind to something.

And that would be enough to make her wonder.

It was one of those times where you thought for a moment about how some fires could come roaring back to life.

Did you want to fan the flames or extinguish them.

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Opportunity

Some people said the scary man should have walked around the car door and kissed the girl because that was the opportunity.

He told them some opportunities disappear forever and some return.

“You know she kissed me first.”

They questioned him and said girls like to feel like they are being pursued and that they don’t do the pursuing.

He smiled and said if she wanted to be pursued she would make it known and not ask him to read her mind.

And then they all laughed because women love to have men read their minds even when they are supposed to know exactly what they are thinking.

“Don’t antagonize her, that is not going to serve you” said the woman who served as a female adviser.

“I am not trying to antagonize her. I am just living my life and maybe it will intersect with hers and maybe it won’t.”

“Well if you want the kind of intersection that ends in penetration you best open your eyes.”

He closed his eyes and asked if penetration was the sort of word that turned women on.

“With the right guy and the right moment almost anything he does is sexy. Stop annoying her and maybe she’ll let you find out.”

He laughed, “stop annoying her. From what you tell me men are naturally annoying.”

“That’s true, you guys are annoying but if you figure out how to not be like that for a little bit she might decide you deserve different treatment. But she might not and it could have nothing to do with being annoying or not.”

He rolled his eyes and told her that sort of wishy-washy crap was annoying.

“It is not like we haven’t done it a million times before.”

“That could be your biggest help or the thing that kills it. You just don’t know.”

“Well that is great advice. Good to know you know women.”

She laughed and said “we are all different” and reminded him “we still like getting laid too. In many ways it is much easier now than when we were in our twenties, but it is harder too.

We don’t have much tolerance for bullshit and you won’t talk our pants off unless we want to take them off because we know better than to think we have to put out to get a man.”

“Do flowers still work at all?”

“Sometimes, guess you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.”

He rolled his eyes and said he would consider being gay because at least he understood how men think.”

“It is good that someone does, because you guys are ridiculous.”

He told her he could say the same and watched as she shrugged her shoulders.

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Another Scary Night With A Scary Man

She asked him to save her a seat if he got there first but it turned out to be unnecessary as she got there ahead of him.

He didn’t know it at first as when he first walked into to the room he didn’t see her, so he looked around for a couple of seats that would provide unencumbered access to the speaker and the screen he would use.

Upon identifying a good spot he walked over to secure the seats and then noticed the woman who looked just like her from behind was…her.

She was sitting with a group of women whom she clearly knew and so he muttered something about knowing where he ranked and grabbed a seat behind her.

A few minutes later they introduced the speaker and the show began. It was a good lecture and though he was irritated about the chair he didn’t bother saying anything.

He set up at a table in the back and waited thinking she might want to talk about what they had heard.

The minutes went on and he looked up to see if maybe she had left and saw she was still ensconced in conversation but this time she was close to the speaker so he walked over figuring it could be interesting.

And it almost was, and probably would have been but she had a friend who couldn’t stop yapping so they didn’t get to hear more than a fragment of what the speaker said.

Soon they all headed outside and he walked with them figuring it was dark and he would make sure she made it to her car safely just as his father had taught him to do.

She got involved in several conversations and he checked email while he waited eventually wondering if the extended conversation was intentional and she was hoping he would leave.

Just as he was about to start walking to his car he saw her start walking so he wandered over and walked her to her car.

They had a pleasant conversation and when she got to her car he watched her open the door and use it as a wall between them.

He thought it was kind of funny because he knew she knew he would keep her safe.

Had anyone accosted her he would have removed their arm from their shoulder and beaten them silly if that is what it took to keep her from harm.

For a moment he wondered if she was waiting for him to try to kiss her, ask for a blow job or do any number of things that could have been considered normal between them once upon a time.

He remained silent and kept his distance figuring if she didn’t want it he didn’t want pity and if she did she could ask.

Experience had long since taught him anything and everything was possible with her.

Romance might be something that was forever dead and fading into older memories or it might be nothing more than a moment that wouldn’t take place again until they were 10 minutes, 5 months, eight or 20 years removed from this time.

Women were nuts he thought, figuring they probably said the same about men.

The only thing he knew for certain was that truth was often stranger than fiction and he didn’t know a fucking thing about anything,

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What If

He almost called the girl to tell her where he was taking her out and what was going to happen and then he didn’t.

Not because he was afraid to but because he was waiting for her to come to her senses and ask him to.

He smiled and thought about saying no just to mess with her but figured he probably wouldn’t even though it could be kind of fun.

The thing was he didn’t think there was time to screw around like that and yet he felt like they had eternity.

It was a typical contradiction for them or so he felt.

There wasn’t any guarantee that things would ever change and no guarantee they wouldn’t.

No guarantee she wouldn’t tell him to STFU and stay away or to ask why he was afraid to kiss her.

It could be all those and none of those or any combination in between.

He was operating solely on gut instinct and the belief that what was, what is and what could be functioned better than the thoughts and prayers of fools in office.

Hell, he had once looked up at the sky and said if he got her again it would prove that there was something more.

And wouldn’t you know it, he got her again.

What If…

What If

When he got her that second, third or 983rd time he thought about walking away knowing he wasn’t crazy.

He thought that there was a certain kind of endless romantic move in kissing her, saying I love you and always will and leaving it at that.

Some might say he didn’t do it because he couldn’t but they would be wrong.

He could but chose not to because he felt like there was so much more and that a fool would walk when that kind of potential remained.

So he stuck around to see what would happen and where it would go.

And now 10,000 years and an Ice age later he asked himself what if.

What if he let go?

What if he didn’t?

“What if she let go?

What if she didn’t?

What if it never happened because it couldn’t or because they chose collectively to let go?

What if they tried and it didn’t work?

What if they tried and it did?

What if offered so much hope and so much uncertainty.

So much despair and so much opportunity.

If nothing else it made for a great story. One day he’d write it…maybe.

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