Two days ago he got a phone call from an old friend who began the conversation with laughter.
“Brother your updates make me laugh. You’re fucking fearless. You say whatever you want to whomever you want. I wish I could do that too.”
He told him it wasn’t anything special or particularly hard.
“I don’t have time to waste wondering and worrying about some things, so I just say it.”
After they finished speaking he thought about their conversation and wondered if maybe he should call him back and clarify things.
Because he didn’t always say everything he was thinking. Sometimes he held back because he knew his intensity could scare some people.
That wasn’t always useful, practical or necessary.
Sometimes it was smarter to say less. That irked him a bit because it felt calculating and because he was impatient.
He Missed Her
He wasn’t afraid to tell her what he really thought and had many times. He was fairly certain she knew and yet he didn’t say it directly.
Some of it was because she had pushed back against it and he tried to be respectful of her wishes.
It was hard because he didn’t believe her, even when she told him to.
He knew that sounded disrespectful and stalkerish so he didn’t say anything.
If he was wrong his silence was better and less likely to cause unnecessary upset that no one wanted or needed.
And if he was right, well maybe it was better to see if she came around and made it clear that she was open to other possibilities.
It was hard because he missed her.
They had been best friends and he was certain she missed that part too.
They liked each other and that was the foundation or so he believed. It was what made the physical connection sing.
He was certain that he could still make her feel that electric shock, same as she could do for him.
But he didn’t know if she would open the door to that possibility.
Sometimes he wondered if she was waiting for him to ask. Sometimes he wondered if the girl who wouldn’t say “I love you first” was waiting to hear him say something first.
And sometimes he wondered if that was foolish hope and she had made her choice.
Time is what really confused him. It felt like some connections were the same as they ever were and that a fire that smoldered in the ashes and embers could be started anew with little to no effort
That had never happened to him before so it made him think and look twice.
He hoped she felt it too because regardless of what did or didn’t happen it would prove his gut wasn’t completely crazy.
It reminded him of a conversation he had with a different girl long before.
She had said girls wouldn’t admit certain feelings because they didn’t want men to act upon them if they didn’t think they could match it.
He said he thought that was crazy if they both felt the same way. She had told them that having the same feeling wasn’t always enough.
It irked him to hear those words in his head because it seemed ridiculous. If two people felt a certain way at some point they ought to be able to figure it out.
Life certainly wasn’t fair…was it.
So he missed her and went about his business because for the moment it didn’t matter. She and he could do as they did and maybe walk parallel lives or maybe intersect.