Monthly Archives: July 2019

What Words Will You Read?

Somewhere in the midst of chaos and confusion the man looks in the mirror and sees a reflection he barely recognizes as being himself.

He looks at the space to his left and remembers a girl who stood there once upon a time and wonders what would happen if she suddenly tried that particular shirt upon again.

Sometimes he thinks it is not just improbable but impossible and sometimes he figures why wouldn’t it and why couldn’t it.

He wonders if he should ask for the option or just wait, watch and see what happens or doesn’t happen.

Thinks that what is meant to be always finds a way and that what’s meant to be needs help to find its way.

Which is to say he doesn’t know what to think but he wonders what would happen if he grabbed the girl and kissed her.

Would she kiss him back or push him away and if she pushed him away, would it be because she didn’t want it or because she didn’t think it was possible.

Life was one hell of a ride and you never knew where or how it would end up.

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Brief Words

I am physically and emotionally spent which surprises me because I thought that this part was going to be limited to last year.

Thought that it would be hard, but not like this.

So I do my best to ride the wave and think about whether I would whisper in your ear and tell you the things that I haven’t said.

I could will myself awake and focus my energy on doing more with this moment but now sleep seems smarter.

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Should Be Packing

Should be packing but am listening to songs that send me flying away on their own.

So much more good than bad, so much possibility and potential. So much life left.

So many questions.

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Does Love Go On Hiatus?

He thought about telling her what he saw in certain pictures but kept his mouth shut.

Thought about how during some conversations he almost provided information he wasn’t supposed to have and how that could have made for interesting situations.

Wondered about love and being in love in an abstract way.

If they were asked by impartial and anonymous individuals if they loved each other he was certain they would both say yes.

When you have spent a certain amount of time together and shared experiences love is often part of the package.

But loving someone wasn’t like being in love.

Sometimes you could be in love and have it ebb and flow up and down. It could fade away, but if you didn’t have some kind of major fight or thing that helped to kill it would it go away.

Would it really end or would it just go dormant?

If it hibernated long enough maybe it would feel like it was gone. That sort of assumed and presumed that what was sleeping could be awakened again.

And so he wondered what the honest answer would be and if any would give it in more challenging circumstances because doing so might open some doors.

But then again one could say yes and not open those doors couldn’t one.

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Sometimes He Really Missed Her

Two days ago he got a phone call from an old friend who began the conversation with laughter.

“Brother your updates make me laugh. You’re fucking fearless. You say whatever you want to whomever you want. I wish I could do that too.”

He told him it wasn’t anything special or particularly hard.

“I don’t have time to waste wondering and worrying about some things, so I just say it.”

After they finished speaking he thought about their conversation and wondered if maybe he should call him back and clarify things.

Because he didn’t always say everything he was thinking. Sometimes he held back because he knew his intensity could scare some people.

That wasn’t always useful, practical or necessary.

Sometimes it was smarter to say less. That irked him a bit because it felt calculating and because he was impatient.

He Missed Her

He wasn’t afraid to tell her what he really thought and had many times. He was fairly certain she knew and yet he didn’t say it directly.

Some of it was because she had pushed back against it and he tried to be respectful of her wishes.

It was hard because he didn’t believe her, even when she told him to.

He knew that sounded disrespectful and stalkerish so he didn’t say anything.

If he was wrong his silence was better and less likely to cause unnecessary upset that no one wanted or needed.

And if he was right, well maybe it was better to see if she came around and made it clear that she was open to other possibilities.

It was hard because he missed her.

They had been best friends and he was certain she missed that part too.

They liked each other and that was the foundation or so he believed. It was what made the physical connection sing.

He was certain that he could still make her feel that electric shock, same as she could do for him.

But he didn’t know if she would open the door to that possibility.

Sometimes he wondered if she was waiting for him to ask. Sometimes he wondered if the girl who wouldn’t say “I love you first” was waiting to hear him say something first.

And sometimes he wondered if that was foolish hope and she had made her choice.

Time is what really confused him. It felt like some connections were the same as they ever were and that a fire that smoldered in the ashes and embers could be started anew with little to no effort

That had never happened to him before so it made him think and look twice.

He hoped she felt it too because regardless of what did or didn’t happen it would prove his gut wasn’t completely crazy.

It reminded him of a conversation he had with a different girl long before.

She had said girls wouldn’t admit certain feelings because they didn’t want men to act upon them if they didn’t think they could match it.

He said he thought that was crazy if they both felt the same way. She had told them that having the same feeling wasn’t always enough.

It irked him to hear those words in his head because it seemed ridiculous. If two people felt a certain way at some point they ought to be able to figure it out.

Life certainly wasn’t fair…was it.

So he missed her and went about his business because for the moment it didn’t matter. She and he could do as they did and maybe walk parallel lives or maybe intersect.

Who knew.

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