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A Sudden Unfriending

A sudden unfriending doesn’t mean that the one who unfriended is suddenly less interested or attracted to the person they let go of or at least pretend to have.

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Still Waiting

No one tells you how long transitions will take so you wait and discover for yourself the impact of anticipation versus expectation and reality

Whatever the hell that means anyway.

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Wait & See

Time passes and days apart turn into years leading to questions about whether it makes sense to wait and see.

They connect and disconnect and yet never completely let go of each other leading to significant questions about who is doing what and why.

Maybe she really didn’t love him anymore and wanted him to go live his life without her. Maybe she did love him but felt like she couldn’t give any more than friendship from a distance.

Or maybe it was it all of that, none of that and something in between.

You could argue there was no way to know without taking a wait and see approach or suggest that the best you could do was focus on actions taken and nothing else.

He wanted to take definitive action to move ahead one way or another but refused to act unilaterally.

Not out of fear but because his gut said otherwise and that was enough for him to move with purpose and act decisively but not impulsively.

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Weaving Words

Somewhere in the weaving of Gut Feelings, Asked and Answered and Forbidden came a sense of a need to talk about timing and hope.

A sense of maybe the moment of hope was fantasy moving towards reality and the sense said all would unfold as it should.

But what that really meant wasn’t clear and he found himself on wobbly ground, wondering if he could have the real conversation he wanted or whether he should.

Would it provide the clarity he wanted or just muddy the waters some more.

Maybe it was best not to plan or act and just see.

He was a fool, but what kind of fool was yet to be revealed.

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Gut Feelings

It had been forever since they had a private conversation in person.

It hurt his heart sometimes to think about how long it had been against all that had happened.

They had been to hell and back and survived so it seemed impossible to him that it couldn’t be done again if only the will existed.

He asked himself if the reason she refused to see him was that it was too hard and every time he heard himself say yes. When he asked himself if it was possible she was serious and that he was fooling himself he said yes again…but.

She wouldn’t be happy to hear him say he was ignoring it but he was and he wasn’t.

He was convinced it the ‘no’ wasn’t because she really wanted to say no but because she felt obligated to say it. So while she meant no she didn’t really want to say it.

It didn’t mean she would feel that way forever or that he would wait forever. Hell, he couldn’t explain why he hadn’t done more to just walk away any more than he could explain why she hadn’t.

That inexplicable and illogical choice was a significant part of why he was convinced she wanted to run into his arms and yet also intentionally stayed far away.

He figured she found reasons to be angry with him and had made a list of things he did that she found annoying. It made the distance easier.

But it didn’t change his not buying it. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and logic means nothing.

Damn heart was and maybe is stupid.

Didn’t help that she looked phenomenal the last few times he saw her or that when she passed by he could smell her perfume. Smell and memory are closely tied together.

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And So It Goes

He stood six feet behind her and tried to focus upon the speaker but was consistently distracted by how intoxicating her presence could be.

There was a time not so long ago when she said the same about him and promised to do whatever it took to be by his side.

It was the kind of partnership they had yearned for their entire lives and yet only a few years later they were as close and as far apart as they had ever been.

She had never explained to his satisfaction why she had broken it off and any time he had tried to find out she had stonewalled his request. So he did his best to accept what she said and take it at face value.

It was possible she still had feelings and was choosing to act otherwise and it was possible she didn’t. It was possible this was temporary and possible it was forever.

The plethora of possibilities wasn’t particularly helpful for a broken heart. It didn’t make him feel any better to know there was a possibility that things could turn because it was possible they might not.

His head told him to suck it up and move on and his heart screamed at him not to be an idiot.

“There are other fish in the sea. Don’t get hysterical and say she was our fucking ocean because there are other women. She was your girl and now she isn’t.”

His heart responded coldly, “if it wouldn’t hurt me too I would shove an icepick up our nose and right into your fat self.”

The interplay between the two made him snort and he went back to listening to the speaker.

But he kept staring at her long legs and remembered what it felt like to have them wrapped around and the sound of her voice whispering in his ear.

He remembered promising her to never let go and asked himself why he was acting like some lovesick teen.

If life were like a movie he would tell her he still loved her and ask for her hand.

She might hesitate to give it and he would say how much they had been through and ask why that wasn’t enough to get them through future humps and hurdles.

Always had been before, why not now.

It could work. If she really heard him and was open to love she might walk into his arms and remember.

Or she might tell him to move on and go away.

Isn’t it nice to see some things never change.

We’re still boys and girls who try to do our best to have simple and uncomplicated lives but discover it is just not that easy.

The heart may want what it wants but there is no guarantee it will get it.

****

A short while later he left without having said a word to her. As he walked to the car he wondered if he was doing a good impression of Rick at the end of Casablanca or was more like the Cowardly lion.

Five miles down the road he wondered what perfume she had worn.

He had intentionally not gotten close enough to smell her. It would have been easy to get close enough to smell without invading her personal space but he didn’t want her thinking he was trying to be pushy.

And he didn’t want to be tortured by the smell. She always smelled like home to him and unless she made herself his he didn’t need to remember.

Time was what he needed.

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Fat, Dumb & Stupid

He was known for having no self-awareness and for being a bully.Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

He was excited today because a woman he had lusted after for years had paid attention to him. Every time she said his name it made his heart soar and he wondered if maybe this time she would let him touch her.

How many hours had he spent dreaming about her? How much time had he spent researching her, trying to find everything he could about her online so that he could figure out a way to impress her.

Impressing her was a big deal to him because he knew that women like a man who paid attention to details. It was the reason why he had snuck into her bedroom and gone through her clothes.

He figured if he knew what size she wore and other intimate details it would be of great help.

The only thing was there was another guy who she sometimes paid attention to. He was fairly certain that they had had some kind of relationship in the past and that made him angry and jealous.

This other guy had no business getting involved. Who was he to insert himself into his potential future love.

It made him very angry, not just because he was jealous but because the other guy had called him a stupid oaf and made him look stupid in front of her.

That would never do so he had spent months researching this other guy because he knew that if he got enough information together he could show her how bad the other guy was.

No one could call him an oaf or stupid. He wouldn’t stand for it. He hadn’t spent years in school getting an advanced degree to be called stupid. It didn’t matter that anyone could do it if they just showed up, that degree was worth something.

It proved he could do something with the law besides break it.

So he plotted and schemed about how to get her and how to get him.

 

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Doctor Of Destiny

Long ago I told someone I c0uld be their doctor of destiny and asked them to trust their heart with me.

I said we could exchange keys, they would have one for mine and I would have one for theirs and together we could heal what was broken.

We managed to do so more than once and in multiple places which made me believe we had an innate ability to do so for each other, forever.

That might like silly puppy love stuff, the kind you limit to high school romance but I have come to believe there is truth to it.

All it takes is one moment and suddenly you remember what you forgot.

Postscript:

He might never see the proof of his beliefs but it wouldn’t be because he failed to follow through.

He did as he had said he would do and that would be enough, regardless of what happened.

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Secret World

If ever there was a time when he wanted to set up a visit in the secret world, now was it.

In his mind he saw two people who had trouble staying angry with each other. Two people who would like to put the masks down and spend time together because they were different.

Not different in the sense of weird or strange but different in that you could lock them up in a closet for a month and they would come out still talking and still happy to be together.

They just got along because they genuinely liked each other and liked being together. It felt good.

It didn’t mean they didn’t bicker or argue because it happened, but because of how well they communicated most of the time they got past the crap.

Most of the time they pushed it aside and all was well.

A good hug or two and whatever else happened always did wonders for them.

In years past she had accused him of being the one with his head in his ass, but this time around he suspected the situation might be reversed.

Well, he had no reason to rush or push so he just didn’t.

It would unfold or it wouldn’t.

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The Big Dope

He listened to the big dope talk about shopping for wine at Target and rolled his eyes.

It was often amusing listening to a semi literate idiot talk about things they knew little about.

Some weren’t smart enough to admit their ignorance about particular topics, especially when they were trying to start something with a woman.

He almost told the big dope he was being dopey but decided not to. The last time he had done that the big dope had spent months stalking him online.

He had made it clear to the dope that he was aware of the stalking but the dope had stuck around for a while.

It wasn’t clear why the dope had left. Could have been boredom or he might have finally become flexible enough to engage in some autofellatio.

Ultimately it didn’t matter, he had better things to do than worry about the dope or whether he would get the play he wanted.

Especially given the crazy circumstances he found himself in.

It was the sort of thing that might work out really well or blow up in his face.

The black and white nature of it didn’t make him happy. Life rarely was one or the other.

I’m the midst of his musings a thought flirted across his mind and he thought about the girl.

For a long while he had focused on pushing her out of his head. She was a distraction that he didn’t want to worry about.

We’ll, that was only partially true, the whole truth confused him.

He could go through periods of time where he was fine. Didn’t think about her much and if he did, well it was fine.

But there were moments when she would force her way into his consciousness and that would be like a mental body slam.

Because it always made him aware of the giant hole that she filled.

And he would ache.

It hurt, her absence that is and he would wonder how she could not feel that emptiness.

Did she truly not feel it or did she fool herself into thinking it wasn’t real.

Sometimes he thought he knew and sometimes he had no idea.

Maybe she was the love of his life and this was temporary or maybe it was forever.

He tried to be respectful and responsibile but he felt a magnetic pull.

And because she stayed distant he focused on doing so too. Didn’t want to tell her a thing because if she didn’t feel a thing it would be awkward.

So he didn’t do it, figuring if it was meant to be it would be and if it wasn’t it wouldn’t.

Life was pretty ridiculous, especially his.

But if you want an adventure you have to do your best to live it.

 

 

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