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Fat, Dumb & Stupid

He was known for having no self-awareness and for being a bully.Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

Fat, dumb and stupid he paraded around in a big truck he used to mask the insecure child that lived inside.

He was excited today because a woman he had lusted after for years had paid attention to him. Every time she said his name it made his heart soar and he wondered if maybe this time she would let him touch her.

How many hours had he spent dreaming about her? How much time had he spent researching her, trying to find everything he could about her online so that he could figure out a way to impress her.

Impressing her was a big deal to him because he knew that women like a man who paid attention to details. It was the reason why he had snuck into her bedroom and gone through her clothes.

He figured if he knew what size she wore and other intimate details it would be of great help.

The only thing was there was another guy who she sometimes paid attention to. He was fairly certain that they had had some kind of relationship in the past and that made him angry and jealous.

This other guy had no business getting involved. Who was he to insert himself into his potential future love.

It made him very angry, not just because he was jealous but because the other guy had called him a stupid oaf and made him look stupid in front of her.

That would never do so he had spent months researching this other guy because he knew that if he got enough information together he could show her how bad the other guy was.

No one could call him an oaf or stupid. He wouldn’t stand for it. He hadn’t spent years in school getting an advanced degree to be called stupid. It didn’t matter that anyone could do it if they just showed up, that degree was worth something.

It proved he could do something with the law besides break it.

So he plotted and schemed about how to get her and how to get him.

 

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Doctor Of Destiny

Long ago I told someone I c0uld be their doctor of destiny and asked them to trust their heart with me.

I said we could exchange keys, they would have one for mine and I would have one for theirs and together we could heal what was broken.

We managed to do so more than once and in multiple places which made me believe we had an innate ability to do so for each other, forever.

That might like silly puppy love stuff, the kind you limit to high school romance but I have come to believe there is truth to it.

All it takes is one moment and suddenly you remember what you forgot.

Postscript:

He might never see the proof of his beliefs but it wouldn’t be because he failed to follow through.

He did as he had said he would do and that would be enough, regardless of what happened.

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Secret World

If ever there was a time when he wanted to set up a visit in the secret world, now was it.

In his mind he saw two people who had trouble staying angry with each other. Two people who would like to put the masks down and spend time together because they were different.

Not different in the sense of weird or strange but different in that you could lock them up in a closet for a month and they would come out still talking and still happy to be together.

They just got along because they genuinely liked each other and liked being together. It felt good.

It didn’t mean they didn’t bicker or argue because it happened, but because of how well they communicated most of the time they got past the crap.

Most of the time they pushed it aside and all was well.

A good hug or two and whatever else happened always did wonders for them.

In years past she had accused him of being the one with his head in his ass, but this time around he suspected the situation might be reversed.

Well, he had no reason to rush or push so he just didn’t.

It would unfold or it wouldn’t.

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The Big Dope

He listened to the big dope talk about shopping for wine at Target and rolled his eyes.

It was often amusing listening to a semi literate idiot talk about things they knew little about.

Some weren’t smart enough to admit their ignorance about particular topics, especially when they were trying to start something with a woman.

He almost told the big dope he was being dopey but decided not to. The last time he had done that the big dope had spent months stalking him online.

He had made it clear to the dope that he was aware of the stalking but the dope had stuck around for a while.

It wasn’t clear why the dope had left. Could have been boredom or he might have finally become flexible enough to engage in some autofellatio.

Ultimately it didn’t matter, he had better things to do than worry about the dope or whether he would get the play he wanted.

Especially given the crazy circumstances he found himself in.

It was the sort of thing that might work out really well or blow up in his face.

The black and white nature of it didn’t make him happy. Life rarely was one or the other.

I’m the midst of his musings a thought flirted across his mind and he thought about the girl.

For a long while he had focused on pushing her out of his head. She was a distraction that he didn’t want to worry about.

We’ll, that was only partially true, the whole truth confused him.

He could go through periods of time where he was fine. Didn’t think about her much and if he did, well it was fine.

But there were moments when she would force her way into his consciousness and that would be like a mental body slam.

Because it always made him aware of the giant hole that she filled.

And he would ache.

It hurt, her absence that is and he would wonder how she could not feel that emptiness.

Did she truly not feel it or did she fool herself into thinking it wasn’t real.

Sometimes he thought he knew and sometimes he had no idea.

Maybe she was the love of his life and this was temporary or maybe it was forever.

He tried to be respectful and responsibile but he felt a magnetic pull.

And because she stayed distant he focused on doing so too. Didn’t want to tell her a thing because if she didn’t feel a thing it would be awkward.

So he didn’t do it, figuring if it was meant to be it would be and if it wasn’t it wouldn’t.

Life was pretty ridiculous, especially his.

But if you want an adventure you have to do your best to live it.

 

 

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Whole Lotta Love

She told him that she would love him forever and he said he would hold her to it.

“That is ok, I like when you hold me.”

Many years later she called him crazy and told him to get lost but he didn’t just go away. He persisted.

She asked why and he said, “you are pretty decent in bed.”

That irked her because no one wants to hear they are decent in bed, especially when they know they aren’t.

But it made her wonder, did he really think she was just decent or was it just a trick to get her pants off.

She didn’t want to ask because he would say something like it would work for a dress or skirt too.

Truth was they made each other crazy and she began to wonder what would happen if he really disappeared the way he said he could.

She had never really believed it, but you never knew with him. Sometimes he could be exceptionally stubborn and would do things just because others said not to.

It reminded her of the time he said that whenever she thought of him he was thinking of her too.

And then she heard him say he wanted to kiss her as if one kiss would make her tear off her skirt and let him ravish her.

Well, he had said he wanted to dominate her and she had wanted to submit, but only if it was done in precisely the right way.

Other ways made him more annoying and less sexy. He ought to understand that.

Back in the male side of things he thought about calling her and saying he was done with this crap, “you are going to sleep with me because we both want it and we’ll figure out how to work it out.”

That made her happy and angry simultaneously and she didn’t know what to do about it.

He said stop thinking and just give in. Relent and relax, it is going to be ok unless love is dead and destiny is a myth.

Sometimes the practical ideas made no sense and the things you wanted most happened even though they were crazy.

Truth is stranger than fiction and girls are nuts or so the prophets wrote on the subway walls.

Maybe love conquers all or maybe all conquers love.

Hell if anyone knew or understood anything.

He sure didn’t, so he just sat on the floor and unpacked boxes. One big house surrounding him and his stuff.

All those rooms and no one but him.

 

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Grab My Hips

“Honey, we need a code for alone time.”

He looked at her and asked what she was talking about.

“Are you really that dense? Sometimes you need me and sometimes I need you but we might not be in a place where I can just say something.”

He shook his head and asked why not.

“Because I am not going to say come take me, fuck me, grab me or anything that direct in public.”

“Since when did you become so shy.”

She rolled her eyes and told him to stop acting dumb.

“My mother isn’t stupid but she doesn’t need to know our business any more than anyone else does.

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips and pull your hair. That ought to make it clear.”

“You better not do that in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I won’t do it.”

“No, you better do it, just not in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips but I won’t grab your hair.”

“You are impossible. You are lucky I love you.”

“No, you are lucky I love you and put up with your nonsense. Just take my hand squeeze it and I’ll know my liberated woman has needs I must take care of. Ought to be fun wearing you out.”

“You’ll never wear me out.”

“It ought to be fun finding out if that it is true, especially since you are so much older than I am.”

“I am not even a year older than you are.”

“Ok cougar lady, just relax. I need you calm for later on. Don’t want you to pull a muscle or hurt yourself proving you can wear me out.”

“You know, you are a real pain-in-my-ass.”

“And you love me for it. Now come sit on my lap and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up.”

“That is so cheesy.”

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Just Say No

He stopped packing long enough to look at the papers that had fallen out of the box he was carrying.

“Darling, if you ever say no to me I might not let you into my bed again.”

“Sweetheart, when I say no you will work twice as hard to get me into OUR bed again.”

“Baby, that sounds like some silly game. Don’t do that. You know I have to touch you.”

“I have to do more than touch you, but every now and then you need to remember I am not just a piece of meat. I am a man, I have feelings.”

“I’ll take those feelings and make them feel soooo good.”

“You know as soon as get home I am going to tear your clothes off.”

“Why wait until we get home. Meet me in the bathroom.”

He remembered the party they had been at but not how they had started writing the note back and forth.

And he remembered the bathroom and the skirt she had worn. Thank god for skirts.

****

He put the note back in the box and made a point not to go through it because he knew he wouldn’t be happy.

This was the box with the notes that said they were best friends and lovers forever. The place where the promises were memorialized and looking at it would give him hope, make him sad and make him angry.

That wasn’t a good combination.

He had too much going on to wonder about the future or to wrestle again with throwing out the box.

Part of him wanted to. It made sense.

But he had refused because a voice inside his head said it would be wrong and that he would be sorry.

He supposed it was because he knew the only way to stay angry with her was to make a list or do things to force the issue.

That wasn’t how he operated, that was how she did.

He wondered if she ever closed her eyes and saw him looking back at her the way it sometimes happened for him.

He figured it did because regardless of what was said they were different and they had one of those connections of that much he was certain.

Didn’t matter because unless he opened her eyes and looked through her heart things would be as they were.

Less complicated and easier in many ways, but with potential that might always leave them wondering what if.

“Damn woman, sometimes I don’t know which of us is crazier.”

He put the box on the truck and went back to working on the stuff that was right in front of him. If it is meant to be it will happen and if not, well that last memory was one of many that made him smile.

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Song/Poem/Story

Long ago he told her one day he would write songs, stories and poems about their life together and apart.

He said there was a deep connection that was never severed as completely as they might have hoped and that this was good and bad.

Because it meant that even when they were apart they wanted to be together. Even when they were convinced the smartest thing they could do was go their separate ways.

There was always a magnetic pull.

Once she told him she wasn’t sure what to make of him because she was certain he just wanted to get laid.

“Your focus is on getting off and you don’t care how you do it with me as long as I let you do it. You don’t care whether I really want to and you push because you figure eventually you’ll wear me down into saying yes. Is that really what you want.”

He told her he didn’t believe she would just give it up unless she wanted to.

“I watch you closely. I listen to your breathing and to your heart. When you are with me you are always WITH me as I am with you. I know the difference when you melt into me and when you flee.”

She rolled her eyes at him.

“You can be with another and not be present, but not me. It is not just physical. It is not just sex and I’d be happy to prove it. Give yourself to me and we’ll find that place we only reach together. The electric shock is always there…in a good way.”

He remembered feeling her wrap her legs around him and the tlook in her eyes.  She stared at him, watched him, occasionally kissing his neck or his mouth.

She was lost and so was he.

They were lost.

That was a long, long time ago.

Sometimes he thought it was so long that it could never happen again but his heart never believed that.

The question was never could it happen it again but should and would.

Should and would was always it.

Should he try to convince her.

Would she agree.

Or should she try to make him pursue her and would he agree.

In his heart he always believed they were better and stronger together but there was no telling if that could or would ever happen.

Sometimes he swore he could feel her in his arms. Sometimes he would wake up and swear she had been touching him.

And everytime it happened he kept it to himself, no sense making people think he was crazy.

But he wondered if she ever felt it thought about it.

Wondered if they were trapped on an island how long it would take before they would act like something more than strangers.

In public he never mentioned it or talked about it because it was easier to protect his heart. Maybe she was doing the same or maybe she wasn’t.

Didn’t matter to him what was what because he believed in this instance circumstance would provide an opportunity or it wouldn’t.

Meant to be would make it happen or see that it didn’t.

One step towards the future, whether together or apart was immaterial because you could only go forward, back was impossible.

Still, the idea of feeling her in his arms, wrapped around or underneath him made him smile because it felt natural. Nothing forced or fake about it.

 

 

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Her Hips Don’t Lie

I grabbed her hips as I passed by and laugh as I feel her stiffen up.

She hisses something that doesn’t sound like encouragement at me and I grab a handful of hair and tug lightly.

This time I recognize her words and know they aren’t being said with love and affection but we’re pretending to be kids so this is just part of a dumb game.

In a short time she’ll tell me she hates me and I’ll call her crazy.

We’ll go back and forth for a bit and then after we hurt each other we’ll wind up in bed and apologize for our bad behavior.

“I am so sorry honey. I love you and it hurt to be in that other place without you.”

“I love you too. Let’s not fight again.”

“Does this mean you’ll give me a blow job every day?”

“Of course, it is my 3rd favorite thing to do in the world and I love making you happy.”

Cue sappy music, lovey-dovey faces and fade to black.

Roll thunder and lightning and raise curtain.

Bloody bodies lie on the floor and you can almost hear the echo of their screams.

Way off in the distance show two people walking near each other, but make it hard to figure out if they are close enough to be holding hands or far apart because they are armed with rifles.

 

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Don’t Say That

“So you think telling her I want to bend her over the couch is a bad idea?”

I don’t have to see her face to know her eyes are rolling.

“If you want to piss her off and push her away you can tell her that you want to pull her skirt up and do her on her driveway, but I don’t think you really want to do that.”

“That is not a bad idea, but I think I already told her that once. I definitely told her I wanted to bed her over the couch and she said it sounded great. Hell, she told me I could do whatever I wanted and she would be happy.”

There is a deep sigh followed by, “men are idiots and you might be dumber than most. She meant all those things when she said them but that was a different time. Deal with the present.”

“So asking for a blow job or a quickie on an imitation Hallmark card is out. What happens if I preface by saying I think you are beautiful and sexy.”

“Are you determined to be a jerk or does it come naturally?”

“It is natural and it is not my fault she is being a pain-in-my-ass or that she follows the typical female double standard. Believe me if the situation was reversed she would be less forgiving of my silence.”

“Ok, you are an idiot and a jerk. If you don’t get her to have a real conversation with you this will never change. Trust me, I am a woman and I understand how we think.”

“Nobody understands how you think, not even you and I am tired of hearing all the things woman want and how men should do them. I ought to call her and tell her I am tired of her shit and it is time for her to suck it up and talk.”

“I wouldn’t suggest that approach and if I did, well don’t say ‘suck it up’ she’ll think you are trying to figure out how to get in her pants and be more guarded.”

“Wait a minute, didn’t you say she is going to assume that I am trying to get in her pants anyway?”

“Yes, but you want her to think you are doing that because you are madly in love with her and not because you need to get laid.”

“Dammit, this confuses the hell out of me. If the thinks I just want to get laid she may sleep with me because she wants to get laid to and it is just sex. But if she thinks I am in love with her she may not sleep with me even though she wants to get laid because she doesn’t want complications.

So I am supposed to somehow get her to talk to me, make her aware of her feelings for me and then hope that she chooses to follow and not ignore them. That is assuming she still has feelings and they aren’t gone, because they could be gone.

‘This isn’t helpful, but I promise she still loves you and has warm feelings for you, but is she in love with you, well that might not be. Hell, she could be and not realize it, especially if you keep pissing her off and pushing her away with those stupid comments.”

*****

“What the hell was that loud noise. Please tell me you didn’t throw the phone.”

“I didn’t throw the phone, I threw something else and yelled something about wishing I was gay.”

‘You don’t wish you were gay.”

“Maybe I do, maybe you just don’t want more competition for men because you know I’d be a better lover than you. Trust me, I am a man and I know what men like.”

“I trust that you are an idiot. Just tell her how you feel and let it go. If it is meant to be it will happen when it is meant to happen and if not, move on.”

“You ought to write Dr. Laura and tell her you are going to take her job. You can be Dr. Sally. The world needs another fake woman shrink.”

There was a long sigh followed by another comment about men.

“You know there is one good thing about men. You’re good for moving things. I need you to meet me at Costco. I am going to buy a couch and you are going to help move it.”

“Yeah sure, why not. Might as well get some exercise.”

 

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