Many Years Ago

He looked at something he had written many years ago and remembered how they said it felt like choking when they weren’t close.

Wondered in amazement how young and naive they had sounded and remembered they hadn’t been all that young or naive.

They might not have known about all that life can throw at people but they knew enough to feel confident making the promises they made.

So much had happened since then, so many ups and downs but if they were honest most hadn’t been the real deal breakers of relationships. They weren’t the kinds of things where you looked at qualities and characteristics and decided you couldn’t live with them.

Still, that detail hadn’t managed to be the thing that had driven a wedge between them. It had been other circumstances and yet she kept pulling hin in, like a magnet.

He didn’t understand how that could be. He had tried to kill the feelings, to stuff them down and pretend they were gone.

And once in a while, he believed they were, but the truth is they never disappeared. They just simmered beneath the surface.

It made him wonder if she felt the same way but refused to say so or admit it. It was hard to believe she didn’t. That didn’t mean he believed she would act upon them or that she wouldn’t.

If he didn’t know how to respond, well how could he expect her to.

And then he remembered telling her about the ache and empty feeling he got when she wasn’t close and how he could love and accept her for who she was. It made a smile cross his face and he wondered again if he would ever get to hold her one more time, if she would let him love her.

That last part made him laugh.

She could forbid him from doing so. She could say he wasn’t allowed and if she did, well he could use her own words against her.

They are my feelings. I can’t help my feelings.

She couldn’t force him to do anything anymore than he could force her.

He had no idea what he was supposed to do with any of this or about any of it. So he just lived his life and figured if the magic that brought them together was left in the world it might bring them together again.

And if it didn’t, well they created more good memories than bad together and that was a gift that not every one was given.

He didn’t plan on saying anything about any of it, just maintained his quiet but he still wondered if she could kiss him without feeling any thing.

Almost wanted to dare her to kiss and or sleep with him and then say she felt nothing.

But then again maybe it was better to be silent and pretend not to be interested in something more.

That magnetic pull might draw him in, but it wasn’t going to control him.

Words In My Head

There is this crazy idea floating around inside my head about the conversation I want to have and the way I want to have it.

Can’t say if it is because I have watched too many television shows or seen too many movies not to realize how preposterous it is.

There are variations on the idea, but the basic outline goes something like this. I find you in the midst of doing something ordinary and the world stops around us.

You give me one of those looks that say you are not sure what I am doing there, but not in the hell are you stalking me kind of way.

The speaker overhead starts playing God Only Knows and as The Beach Boys serenade us I walk up and kiss you. That says all that needs to be said and we ride off into the sunset confident that we can overcome any challenges that lie ahead of us.

There is a part of me that is firmly convinced it is possible, probable and likely, meaning you wouldn’t scream for the police.

And another part of me is certain it would end in disaster and though you wouldn’t call the police the tongue lashing I’d get would leave my ears bleeding.

Still, there is this thought floating around inside my head that says you are worth taking the chance on and that magic never dies, might go dormant but it never dies. That is what happens when you have one of the great love stories of all time.

You know there is another version of this crazy idea where I convince Carole King to show up and play Tapestry while I get my five minutes to try to ask you to take my hand and see what happens.

Maybe I am a fool who can’t see reality or maybe it is because I am a fool who can see reality that these thoughts and ideas cross my mind. Both could be true and both could be false.

There has to be some mathematical equation that makes sense of it all and helps to illustrate how the rational and irrational can work together.

It is all part of a dream I once had in which shooting stars lit up a black sky and highlighted a path that leads to our own heaven on earth. Because sometimes we create our own secret world that no one else can see or understand.

Not because it is a secret from others but because it is custom made of magic, unexpected surprises and something indescribable and unforgettable.