She told him she didn’t know if she would ever want to get married again and he said that it was ok because he didn’t know if he would either.
A look flashed across her face that made him think he might have gotten himself into trouble. She said she didn’t know if she ever want to get married again and he didn’t think before he answered.
Or maybe it was more accurate to say he agreed with her too quickly. In an effort to make her feel comfortable he tried to acknowledge and share her feelings and she had reacted poorly.
She might have been completely honest about that but she didn’t want him to shut the door so quickly on her.
He thought about it for another moment and laughed at himself for over analyzing it. She wasn’t shy with her feelings and if she was upset he would find out about it. Knowing that he figured the best course of action would be to wait and see what she did and then respond appropriately.
It all seemed sort of ridiculous to him to be so worried about it. Felt a bit like high school except it wasn’t.
That had been decades ago and now they were far wiser, more mature and all of the other stuff that came with years beyond those days. Some of it was pretty good and some of it was…less good.
It was hard to admit that his vanity made him so self conscious about how he looked and harder still to admit that he could whine about it and not do anything.
After all he was the guy who said that unless you were willing to take action you had no business complaining.
Action was something he could chalk up on his list of positives. During all those years of estrangement he had never given up on them and never believed that she didn’t love him anymore.
Even when she repeatedly told him they were nothing more than friends he had kept faith because he heard something in her voice and read something in her emails.
There was a hitch or something that made him certain she was trying to convince herself and him.
It had taken more than a little effort to get her to go out with him again and then when she did she kept her distance. There was no hug or kiss hello nor handshake offered.
She had started out very cold and businesslike and it had confused him. It didn’t take long for the confusion to make him wonder if he had misread everything and to make him feel stupid.
That feeling of stupidity turned to anger and it wasn’t long before he stopped talking because he was afraid he would tell her to come to bed or to go hell.
That kind of thing worked pretty well in the movies but in real life it was questionable. So he kept his mouth closed and watched, waited and listened.
After the meal ended he walked her to her car and then climbed in the passenger seat. Didn’t take long before he just blurted out, “do you still love me?”
He watched her whole body stiffen up and then she said “yes.”
So he said “I want to kiss you” and she rejected him. He tried two more times and was rebuffed again but she never asked him to get out of her car nor did she yell and he knew that it would happen.
Wasn’t going to be that night, but the next time or the time after that she would kiss him and chemistry would do the rest and it did.
So here they were talking about marriage and wondering when they could make things work. Life and responsibilities seemed to have placed some stumbling blocks in their way but they bothered her more than he.
She thought of herself as being more realistic and more practical and in some areas she was. But he was the one who had the vision and patience to bring about this time.
He didn’t say it because he wanted kudos or any sort of prize. It was more of an acknowledgment of how they complimented each other in so many ways.
That made him smile.
It reminded him of a conversation they had many years earlier where she had said one person in a relationship was always the boss. He of course had said he knew she thought she was and that he made a point to let her think so but that he was really running things.
His answer had surprised her and she had sort of squealed.
Thinking about it made him laugh because she wasn’t the sort of woman who squealed but she kind of had. It was a mixture of surprise and happiness.
All part of that mix of things that happen when you are first getting to know someone and realize that you are falling in love.
It made him wonder how many times they had fallen in love with each other. The first time had been years before and he thought of it as having happened very quickly.
If you asked him to guess he would have said weeks or months but it might have been longer or it might have been shorter.
The one thing he was certain of was that they had fallen deeper in love more than a few times.
He thought about how he had grabbed a fist full of hair and gently tugged upon it and then told her he was the boss. She had laughed and told him she let him think so.
Later on he kissed her hard on the mouth and told her he was going to violate her every way possible.
She rolled her eyes at him and asked him if he was always this romantic and he laughed.
“I love you and my heart and body are yours. What can you possibly do that I haven’t already given you permission to do?”
That was when he tried not to squeal. It was a pleasant shock and surprise and it was one of a few times he realized how very lucky he was.
Sometimes they would talk about blurring the lines and pushing things to see how far they could go. Sometimes they would talk about trusting each other enough to engage in the fantasies they never shared with anyone else.
But this hadn’t been one of those moments. This had been a moment when that overwhelming sense of love had scared the hell out of him and so he had said something really stupid to try and start a fight because anger lead to distance.
And in less than 15 seconds she had disarmed him and made him feel completely secure.
He whispered that he loved her too much to go any harder than he was and she laughed.
“Women give birth to babies. I won’t break.”
It wouldn’t be the first or the last time he heard that from her. He knew where the lines were but still he never let things get blurry unless she asked first.
The thing that made them work wasn’t that they loved each other or that they had incredible physical chemistry. It was that they liked each other and that like was the secret sauce.
It powered the trust and provided a foundation for the love and the lust to rest upon. It was enabled them to build and maintain a secret world that only they could walk in.