Monthly Archives: August 2014

Beginning, Middle Or End

She asked him if he thought they were in the beginning, middle or end of their story and he laughed. He watched her eyes narrow and recognized the look on her face as one that was somewhere between pain and anger.

“Baby, you told me were inextricably linked. You said we could never be torn apart and then you tore us apart.”

“You didn’t listen and you wore me down into seeing you again.”

“No, I didn’t listen but I didn’t wear you down. I just read between the lines and I remembered my promise. The one where you made me swear not to listen everything you said, especially in anger.

I haven’t really thought much about whether we are in the beginning, middle or end but if I did I would say if they made us into a movie we would at least be a trilogy. We’re probably in the second film now. The first already won the Oscar but this one will win multiple awards too.”

“But what if I tell you to get lost again. What if I tell you it is too hard and too much? What then?”

“Then I will remind you that you said we are family and that I can’t ever chase you away. Your words not mine.”

“I see, so you always have to throw that in my face.”

“No, I am not throwing it in your face.I am saying we have our roles in this relationship and one of mine is to be the anchor during this time. And believe me, it is not hard to anchor myself to you.”

She looked at him for a moment and he smiled.

When he walked to the couch she came over and sat next to him. He didn’t say anything when she took his hand. He just sat there and smiled because the silence was comfortable.

When she said thank you he said she was welcome and said he could do this forever.

“I don’t ask how or why we are. I just know the feeling I get when I am with you and when I am not. Everything about this says that only a fool would ignore it. You can call me stupid but you can’t call me a fool.”

She laughed and said she could call him her fool.

“Yeah, I suppose you can but you are mine. We can be fools together.”

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“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

“The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.” Teddy Roosevelt

He didn’t sign his name to the letters but he didn’t have to because even if they had been typed she recognized his writing and remembered his sharing the quotes with her.

Still she read his words twice and not just because it was her practice to do so but because the boy had been known to stick another message just for her. He did it publicly and he did it privately and though she never said anything about it he knew she liked it.

Knew that she appreciated his consistent efforts to make her feel special and to show her that he cared.

After she finished making her second pass she leaned back in her chair and wondered if there was anyone more stubborn or pigheaded about pursuing foolish dreams than him.

There was a piece of her that respected him for doing so and a part that was consistently surprised by his willingness to endure. For a long while she had wondered if maybe there was something wrong with him and why he would consistently bang his head against walls that he couldn’t climb over or knock down.

It wasn’t practical nor reasonable.

But after a while she recognized there was reason and even some strategy involved and though it was different than how she would have approached things it worked for him. It didn’t stop her from wishing he might choose a different way because it was clear to her that this method effective or not hurt him.

She mentioned it to him once and he told her he was willing to do what was required to meet his objectives. In the past she would have told him she thought it was a dumb way to go about it but she had learned that there were some things he wouldn’t listen to anyone talk about.

Men were just dumb about some things and certainly not as practical.

Thinking about that made her snort. She knew he knew she felt this way. Sometimes he would give her a list of all the things he thought were silly about women but most of the time neither of them discussed it.

That was because he would put her on the spot and demand that she tell him why these silly things men and women did were reason not to be together.

It made her smile to think about him telling her why he thought was ridiculous and how he would say they were different as a couple because they accepted each others imperfections. She loved listening to him tell her about how beautiful she was and how he still found her to be sexy.

She loved even more how he would tell her that it was her mind he was most in love with. She didn’t always believe it when he said it. In love or otherwise she knew men would say things to get what they wanted but most of the time it made her happy to do it and there was something to be said for wanting to.

Many of her friends shared stories about how they raced to get to sleep before their husbands and all of the other excuses they made not to have sex with them.

It made her wonder if all relationships were doomed to hit a spot of boredom.

They had never hit that sort of obstacle for obvious reasons. She had told him once that she thought it was likely and asked him what he thought.

He told her he would show her. Breathless and smiling she admitted he might be onto something.

Still the longer they spent apart the more she wondered if the best thing for them was to be good friends and had told him as much. Every time he had tried to convince her otherwise she told him they were just friends.

He would laugh and tell her he didn’t believe it. “It is easy to say from a distance, but one kiss changes everything.”

She never told him how badly she wanted that kiss or why she hoped it didn’t happen. When he told her one day she would end up naked she told him that time was in the past but it didn’t stop her from thinking about it or wondering if maybe he was right.

It frustrated her so she made a point of trying to pick a fight with him because it was always easy to keep someone at arm’s length when she was angry.

At first when he refused to take the bait she was angry so she poked at him some more. It didn’t work and for a moment she found herself flipping between feeling more in love with him but then he managed to say something stupid and she used that to nurse her anger.

The only problem was that she couldn’t stay angry with him and as she fell asleep she could hear him tell her that he never stayed angry with her either and that was part of what made them special.

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Johnny told June he was tired and frustrated.

“I don’t sleep as well as I should or want to. My whole body aches, sometimes I wake up at night because parts of me are aching from being clenched so hard. This is aging me.’

She told him she understood and he said he hoped she didn’t.

“Why would you say that?”

He shook his head, sighed and told her that he loved her.

“I love you too, but that doesn’t answer why you would say that.”

“June, I said it because I care about you and I don’t want you to feel like a jackass who can’t get his shit together.”

“That is not true.”

“Maybe it is not, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like it. Some days it is a fight to get out of bed. I have done this too many times.”

“What are you going to do?”

“It is going to sound ridiculous to you, but I am going to just surrender to this moment. I am going to stop walking around with my jaw clenched and a lightning quick temper. I am going to accept that I can’t control it all and then I am going to put my faith in myself again.

I know it sounds crazy, but I am going to just believe that the right position is going to come along and that when the opportunity comes I’ll grab it. I can’t keep doing what I am doing because it hasn’t worked. I have to believe that this will past.”

She smiled at him and asked what he would do if it didn’t.

“You tell me I need a new shtick but I’ll tell you that I know things. I’ll tell you that just as I knew we’d have a shot again I know something is coming. I just can’t make it happen any faster than it is. I don’t care if that is nonsense or bullshit because today it is enough to keep me going.”

He walked out the balcony and stared aimlessly at the sky. He felt her arms wrap around him and he sighed.

“June, one day we are going to look back at this time and smile. I am going to figure it out. I am going to find a way but for now, I surrender.”

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Is it coincidence or fate that caused my to stumble across these words today? I don’t know and I don’t care because either way they feel right and are an appropriate description.

And I will do what is required so that I can determine whether the ghosts I see are the spirits of the future or the shades of the past. And in the midst of it all I will continue to hold out my hand so that you can take it. Because I never stopped being your hero and I never gave up.

Because I am running with the moon again. It is me and that big white orb that looks down upon this big blue marble. We are in our secret world where I look up at the sky and talk. That place where I say that I am trying to figure out the difference between seeing what I want to see and receiving signs from the universe.  The Song Of My Heart Makes My Soul Sing

And in the midst of running with the moon I hear music and these words come floating through the air:

“Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar
And you’ll live as you’ve never lived before”

It started with one kiss and nothing was ever the same.

…because when you make certain choices in life you find out that as you close doors they lock behind you. You can’t go backwards and there is no exit other than that at the end of the tunnel- so you go through.

And if you are me you never stop smiling because you know that what lies on the other side is worth getting to.

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Sometimes You Just Go

Johnny saw that clip and smiled, figured one day he might show it to June. If she asked why he’d say it just made sense and if she pressed him to say more than “I had to go see about a girl” he’d tell her he heard Abba singing Take a Chance On Me and these words echoed in his head.

“Oh you can take your time baby, I’m in no hurry, know I’m gonna get you
You don’t wanna hurt me, baby don’t worry, I ain’t gonna let you
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough to last when things are rough
It’s magic
You say that I waste my time but I can’t get you off my mind
No I can’t let go
‘Cos I love you so”

He always knew there was a chance that taking a chance could wreak havoc and cause issues for them but he believed in love and he believed in taking chances for it.

She might tell him to go away. She might reject him but he was prepared because he expected her to do so but not because she didn’t love him. He figured she would because she didn’t want to be responsible for blowing up his world and turning it upside down.

That made sense in a silly sort of way, just thinking about it made him smile. She’d be irritated with him calling it silly but he couldn’t help but tease her a bit.

Truth was any decisions he made about his role had always been based upon his gut and his beliefs. That meant he didn’t hold her accountable or responsible for the decisions he made.

He figured that if his heart was indeed smarter than his head there wasn’t anything lost in taking his time to get where he needed to be to try and make things happen. That old phrase what is meant for you won’t pass you echoed in his head and even though the rational part of him didn’t want to believe it he did.

Too much had happened for him not to believe there was something different here and even if he was wrong it didn’t bother him to take a chance.

You miss every shot you don’t take and the idea of missing out because he feared getting hurt bothered him more than the idea of getting rejected. He was many things but he wasn’t a coward, not when it came to this.

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I Hear It

And so do you.

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Thunder Inside My Mind

Johnny told June there were moments he wanted to scream at her and ask her to explain how she couldn’t hear the thunder inside her head.

“I don’t care if you think I am the biggest idiot who ever lived, if you tell me you don’t hear this and think of me I might call you a liar. If you tell me that there isn’t lightning and thunder surrounding us I’ll scream. But it is the good kind, the stormy kind that you use to show everyone you know how to dance in the rain.

And that is what we do woman, we dance in the rain, we dance in the fire and we just dance.”

He stormed around the room and when he stopped pacing she just shook her head.

“I don’t know why you are shaking your head. I don’t know if it is because you don’t understand why I am acting this way or if you are impressed. I don’t know what the hell is going on because all I hear is this whooshing noise, all I feel is the pounding of my heart and all I know is that only a moron would ignore this feeling.

I am going outside now, going to run with the moon and howl. If I don’t do something with this  energy I will explode.”

He was halfway out the door when he heard her call his name.

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