Monthly Archives: May 2014

Jack’s Story Outline

I rarely use an outline to blog or write any of my stories but during my morning shower I was thinking about Walk The Line and it gave me an idea.

What I have done below is grabbed a series of quotes from the movie, I see it as an outline for a story I am writing.  I don’t intend to write a story that is identical to Walk The Line but there might be similar elements.

Part of what makes people so interesting is that even though we come from different places and backgrounds we share so very much in common. Some things are just easy to relate to.

Section A

Johnny Cash: You know what your problem is, June Carter? You are afraid to be in love, you are afraid of losing control, And you know what June Carter, I think you are afraid of livin’ in my big fat shadow.

June Carter: Oh really? Is that what my problem is?

Johnny Cash: Yes.

June Carter: My problem is that it’s 2 A.M. My problem is I’m asleep. I’m on a tour bus with eight stinkin’ men. Rule number one: Don’t propose to a girl on a bus, you got that? Rule number two: Don’t tell her it’s because you had a bad dream.

Johnny Cash: June.

June Carter: What?

Johnny Cash: Marry me.

[June glares]

Johnny Cash: Ok… Ok fine… but that’s the last time i’m asking…

June Carter: Well, good. I hate reruns.

Section B

Johnny Cash: I want to marry you and I am telling you it’s the time.

June Carter: Well I’m telling you with 100 percent certainty that it is not the time. It’s not about time, it’s not the right time, it’s not even quarter to the right time.

Section C

June Carter: [on stage w/John] We’ve got these people all revved up, John. Now c’mon, let’s sing Jackson for ’em.

Johnny Cash: You’ve got me all revved up. Now I’ve asked you forty different ways and it’s time you come up with a fresh answer.

June Carter: Please sing.

Johnny Cash: I’m asking you to marry me. I love you, June. Now I know I said and done a lotta things, that I hurt you, but I promise, I’ll never do that again. I only want to take care of you. I will not leave you like that dutch boy with your finger in the dam.

June Carter: [shakes head]

Johnny Cash: You’re my best friend. Marry me.

June Carter: [quietly] All right.

Johnny Cash: Yeah?

[They kiss & the crowd cheers]

Now all I have to do is bleed at the keyboard for a few.

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I Saw Things

Maybe it is coincidence or maybe it is something else. Heard the song from this post twice today during a movie and I saw things.

So here we are in the places we stand today farther apart than ever before and still as close as we once were. For it wouldn’t take but a moment for us to remember who we are apart and who we are together. It wouldn’t take but one kiss for our souls to soar and our hearts to surrender.

Sooner or later we shall put intellect aside and surrender to the point, purpose and passion that never left us. It may have gone dormant but not dead. Give it some water and sunshine and its petals will open wide and bloom as brightly as they ever have.

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This Was Our Song

This post originally ran here. Got a few ideas for stories and thought I’d use some or all of it.

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I have that crazy feeling inside my head now. It is an itch I can’t scratch and an ache that won’t go away. It is you. You are to blame. You are thinking about me or thinking about us.

Don’t know exactly what you are thinking. Can’t say whether it is positive or negative. Can’t tell if you are dreaming about what could be or lamenting what was. I just know that I am on your mind just as you know that I am on yours.

Sometimes this feeling makes me want to howl with frustration. I want to go outside and run with the moon and unleash my rage against the sky. I want to run until I am exhausted and just collapse wherever I fall but I can’t and I won’t.

I can’t because I am unwilling to share that side with anyone else. I am unwilling to expose it because it won’t be understood. It will be dissected, discussed and misinterpreted and I can’t deal with that. Not because I am not capable of it but because it is just too much. It is just more than I am willing to give and that is reason enough not to do it.

So I listen to Mick singing Visions of Paradise and I think about when this was one of our songs.

“Don’t tell me when
Something is beautiful
And don’t tell me how to
Talk to my friends
Just tell me the names of
The stars in the sky
What’s your favorite song
Tell me the names of the
Lovers you had
Before I came along

Don’t put your arms around me
And don’t hold me tight
‘Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise

And don’t ask me where
All of the pain goes
‘Cause you make me feel
That I don’t know myself
You say that you want me forever
And I say that love is no crime
So tell me the names of the children
We’ll have at the end of the line”

I wonder sometimes if maybe I am crazy and confused. I wonder sometimes if wishes and wants have got me so damn mixed up that I can’t tell what is from what was. And then Mick sings that line using your heart and not your head and I wonder if he is talking to us.

The sensible, grounded man that lives inside me says that it is just a song that was constructed to appeal to people. It was written so that we would relate and that is what I am doing, relating to it.

But goddamn it woman, I feel it. I sense it. I know it. Just as I could tell when you were about to pick up the telephone to call me I know now what it is I sense but I don’t know what to do about it.

Don’t know whether to walk, no run the other direction as fast I can so that I can try to forget. But here is the deal, life is nothing but a series of moments in time set against the backdrop of the people who share them.

We did more than share a moment. We built an entire universe and lived a thousand lives inside our secret world. We loved and we lived. Man loves woman and girl loves boy.

I don’t have to ask your permission to love you and I don’t have to live in the past. I can pretend that once was is just a memory and I can move on past the moment. That is the beauty of choice and free will. But I can also admit, accept and acknowledge that something more is going on and I can follow the signs through the mist and blaze a trail through the fog.

I can see if that helps that which once was morph into that which is and that is what I intend to do. Life is short and our grip is tenuous. So I will do what I do best and dance in the fire and dare the flames to burn me. I will climb the hills and walk through the valleys because that was the promise I made to you and I will hold myself to it.

And I will do what is required so that I can determine whether the ghosts I see are the spirits of the future or the shades of the past. And in the midst of it all I will continue to hold out my hand so that you can take it. Because I never stopped being your hero and I never gave up.

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The Lonely Bed

None of the stories she read as a school girl prepared for her for the loneliness that comes with sharing a bed with someone you don’t love and don’t like much.

No, those tales always made it seem magical to share your bed with a man you loved and who loved you. The bedroom was a special place, a sacred place where you share intimate moments and opened yourself up to loving and being loved in ways that you had never experienced.

Sometimes she wondered if her expectations were too high to be in line with reality. Maybe she had spent too much time with her books and too much time hearing from girl friends about the great guys they were with. Come to think of it few of them if any ever said a word about feeling lonely in the bedroom.

They might have voiced a complaint or two but they were relatively innocuous in nature. Few were willing to talk about a failed or failing marriage. Maybe it was too raw and too personal for them. She didn’t know but she knew for certain that her own was barely hanging on.

What she didn’t know was how to make it better or if it could be and the sad part was she just didn’t care any more. There had been a time when she would have done anything and everything to save it. A time where she couldn’t imagine spending her life with anyone else and now she hated spending it with him.

Every night she’d race to the bed before he got there so that she could fall asleep before he came in. Sometimes she would feel him press up against her and while he ran his hands over her body she’d do her best not to respond or give any indication she could feel it.

It was almost like being touched by a stranger.

There were only so many ways to say no, so many ways to put him off. But eventually she would say yes and do her best to just get through it.

She didn’t understand how he could still do it when she so clearly wasn’t into it. He’d whisper things in her ear and tell her how good it felt and all she could think of was how she hoped he’d finish quickly.

This wasn’t the life she imagined or signed up for but for the moment it was the one she had. The real question was how long did she have to live that way.

There had to be more, had to be something better. There had to be someone out there who she wanted to be with. She shouldn’t have to put up with the guy on top of her any longer but she did because of the kids.

Sometimes she would listen to people talk about how resilient children are and how much happier they were when their parents were happy. Sometimes she thought about leaving him because life is short.

But she worried about her kids. What would that mean for them. It would hurt them and she feared how much. So she grit her teeth and didn’t tell him when he  shared his stupid comments and stories she was thinking about the laundry and all of the other stuff she had to get done.

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Password Protected

This post is password protected and it is not swordfish.

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Things We Feel, Things We see, Things We Hear

Sight, sound and touch play significant roles in the choices we make. You can look at logic and discuss rational thought all you want but when old man push meets lady shove we all know what happens.

He is the one whose arms wrap around you and whose voice you hear whispering in your ear. The man who you trust to take care of and protect you. The person whose advice and counsel you seek and the guy who knows how to make you smile. Wrapped in those arms you are able to let go of the cares that weigh you down, even if it is only for a moment.

Think about who you never get tired of spending time with. Think about who you give yourself to most easily and how happy it makes you.

There is a reason you let him catch you more than once…

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What The Hell Just Happened

Threw on the headphones, turned on iTunes and the first song that flowed through the speakers was Weekend In New England. Listened to the first part and had to rewind it because something about it caught my ear and got stuck in my throat.

What the hell just happened to me. Did Barry Manilow just stop me in my tracks. Is someone going to pull my man card. Do I need to go buy some power tools or demolish a wall or two. Hell I might go work on the car…

Yeah, that whole starting a story whose end must wait caught me in a way that it never ever has before. Or maybe it was the part about being in the city.

Could be both, could be neither.

Could be nothing more than recognition that the reason I feel unsettled and disjointed is because I figured more things out and realized that even though I don’t know what will happen I can’t see sailing this ship I am on with the same crew. Always knew it but now I feel the need for the change because I know better.

And I know better because of things I have done, experiences I have had and trust in my ability to find my way through every storm. Not exactly thrilled with finding myself in the midst of another one but I knew that I had to sail the ship through this sea. Stormy waters lead to the calm place I want to end up in.

Don’t need to see the stars to chart this path either because this one has an internal GPS that has me locked on the route only downside about it is that the path isn’t highlighted. You can’t print out all of the steps in advance.

All you can do is keep your head up, your eyes open and be ready to roll with whatever comes. Might not make for easy planning but it does make for some exciting times and that is the hallmark of every good adventure.

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Somewhere In Time

I wrote this post last year because I was reminded of something from a different post. Decided I would try to expand up on it for fun.

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But somewhere down the road
Our roads are gonna cross again
It doesn’t really matter when
But somewhere down the road
I know that heart of yours will come to see
That you belong with me
Letting go is just another way to say
I’ll always love you so

We had the right love
At the wrong time
Maybe we’ve only just begun
Maybe the best is yet to come”

Somewhere Down The Road- Barry Manilow

You ask why I am silent and wonder why I do nothing but stare at you. I don’t answer because I am not sure what I want to say yet, but I am pleased you aren’t intimidated by the force of my glare.

The intensity is radiating off of me in waves. Moments before I walked into the restaurant a crowd of people saw the look on my face and made space so that I could walk through the middle of the path unencumbered.

Like Moses parting the Red Sea they moved to either side and avoided making eye contact with me. I strode with purpose and intent determined to see you again. The first time in years, unsure and uncertain of how it would go I sat down across from you and took you in.

We were both older. Much had happened in our worlds and I wondered if we would discover that the changes were so great we no longer would have common ground. I wondered if we would be like two lovers who had once been and now were left with nothing to talk about except old times.

That conversation only lasts so long before you stop it. You can laugh once or twice at this and that and then you realize that your memory of something good is all that keeps you from walking out the door towards what is good in your life…now.

Here We Are

That is not how it went with you and I. That is not what happened to us. We talked and talked and the echoes of the future touched the burning embers of the past.

I wondered if you felt the sparks like I did or if you could hear the bells. I looked at your face and saw my girl and my woman. Asked you if you still loved me and saw the look in your eyes when you said you did.

Tried to keep a poker face so you wouldn’t be scared by my reaction because I knew that in your mind that love wasn’t enough for right now.

You weren’t sure about the timing. You weren’t sure about a bunch of things so you were doing your own tap dance. You were doing your thing to be cool.

We Can Be Friends

You said we can be friends and asked me if that was too hard. You said that was all you could give. I told you that you should kiss me and see if you felt something more. I wrapped my fingers in your hair and stuck my nose in your neck.

You kept your face turned, but your breathing wasn’t as even as it had once been. I didn’t have to put my head against your chest to know your heart was starting to pound. Didn’t have to do anything because the bells were going off at a rapid rate and I could hear your thoughts.

I didn’t push you to kiss me after that. I was confident that if I had you would have, but I decided it wasn’t necessary. You know the spark is there and you want to do something but the timing isn’t right for you.

That is ok. There is no rush.

If this is what I think it is then everything will fall into place as it should.

I Know Things

I do know things. I know that if I am right you will be in my arms again and that we’ll take each other back to the kingdom we once lived in together. We’ll walk through verdant green fields and stand upon rocky covered beaches watching the sunset.

This I know because the conversation between us is never ending and the trust grows deeper again. The song our hearts sing are slowly building towards a place where they will sing together again.

And together we will carry each other as we once did but with more appreciation, understanding and insight than before. The pain of the past is receding and we have already begun to heal.

When I see the silent tears slide down your face I will continue to kiss them away and then I will wrap you in my arms, pick you up and carry you because you don’t have to walk alone anymore.

Timing

And should timing prevail and I find myself told to stand on the outside than I shall do that because I have come too far to just walk away. Walked through miles of desert to find out if my heart was right or if my head was correct in its assessment.

If friends are what we shall be than that is what we shall be but I am not going to worry about that now.

Not going to worry or wonder because it is a waste of my time and energy.

Going to focus on enjoying the moments and being present. Going to tell you I love you still as I always have and that you don’t have to say it back to me. Going to say that there is real meaning in “I know things” and that sometimes we just have faith in that which we can’t see, touch or feel.

You are beautiful to me because I see the things you hide. You are beautiful to me because you are imperfect as am I. You are beautiful because we carry pieces and parts of each other and will for life.

We made the exchange a thousand years ago and a thousand years from now that won’t have changed. We will still know what others don’t and still share what others can’t.

Sometimes we will have danced in the fire and lived alone and apart but we will have done so knowing someone was always there to walk alongside when we needed them.

Fate Is A Fickle Bitch

If I believed in fate, destiny or karma I would tell you that she/he/it is a fickle bitch. I’d tell you the story about how we found each other again and that we found our somewhere down the road.

I’d tell you about how we filled a house more love than heaven would allow. I’d tell you how we forced time to stand still and how we took a minute and turned it into much, much, much more.

We jumped in a log ride and splashed down into that hokey tunnel of love people talk about. We did what they said couldn’t be done more than once. We hit the corners at breakneck speed and when we smacked into the wall we weren’t hurt because we went straight through it.

Can’t say if it was because of magic, love or basic physics but we knocked that fucker down and flew right back into the past and marched our way into the present.

We did it because we pushed fear and recriminations aside, figured out how to let go of the pain of the past and accepted each other for who we had become because who we were wasn’t enough to make it over the humps.

But we did it. We crossed over and rebuilt our secret world and built a newer, brighter and bigger foundation than ever before. We didn’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone but we did it nonetheless.

We proved to each other and to ourselves that what we had wasn’t fake, false or fleeting. We showed the world we had everything a man and woman would need to make it.

And then that fickle bitch fate decided to stir things up. She stuck that giant spoon into the big black cauldron and started stirring and she created one hell of a whirlpool. I told you to hold onto me and promised to swim to shore.

Every time I got tired I felt your arms squeeze me tighter and I found a little bit more was left in my arms. We hit the shore and collapsed in the surf.

It felt good to lie down and rest but while we slept the tide came in and swept us out to sea again except this time we weren’t holding hands. This time we got swept away in different directions and by the time I made it back to shore I had no idea where you were.

Where Am I?

When I hit the beach and realized you weren’t with me I didn’t panic because I could still feel your presence the way I always had.  That made me relax a bit but I knew I had to find you so I set up camp and began figuring out what I needed to do.

Didn’t take long at all to figure out where you were but that didn’t prepare me for the big surprise. Somehow that fickle bitch’s whirlpool sent me back in time and I ended up back in that place where there was nothing but silence between us. It was the cruelest of cruel gestures, something out of a science fiction or fantasy novel.

Just when we had figured things out and were working in the present to build a place for the future I get thrown in the time warden’s jail.  It is like one of those romantic comedies where the girlfriend/wife gets amnesia and the boyfriend/husband has to fight to get her back by getting her to fall in love with him again.

There are a million versions of them and I understand why they keep getting remade. Relationships never get old and people never grow tired of watching and reading about them. Lost and found love is so easy to relate to.

Back in my hut on the beach I sit and watch the sun set over the water. I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of waves hitting the shore and smile. Life is filled with more than a few moments, some good, some bad and some inexplicably complicated.

I can hear your heart beat and see your smile. I can almost feel your  touch but not quite. If I could bend time and space you wouldn’t be that far away. I call on the ghosts of Newton, Tesla and Einstein and demand their help but there is no answer.

That fickle bitch owes me a solid here or at least an explanation about why she did what she did. At the bare minimum I demand she give me a fighting chance but we all know that whether she does or not I am not the sort who lets adversity dictate his life.

If I play by her rules that means one step forward and two steps back but no one said I couldn’t mix things up a bit, give her a different look. Might mean looking foolish, but sometimes getting to where you go means you are willing to do a little dance, dirty or otherwise.

So you tell that fickle bitch that I am coming for her. Can’t say what will happen when I get there but I can promise I will.

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When Pushy Met Bossy

One day Bossy told Pushy she wanted to get a bite to eat. Pushy smiled and said “come to the bedroom.” Bossy shook her head and said all you think about is sex.

Pushy smiled and said, “only with you.”

When he reached for her hand she took it and walked with him into the bedroom.

“Let’s do it quickly, I am really hungry.”

“Pushy told her she wasn’t romantic.

“Ok Mr. Grab my head you are the epitome of romance.”

“Bossy, I don’t like your attitude here. I might decide not to give you my gift.”

Bossy laughed, “like you would give up sex.”

Pushy smiled, “I might. It is good for you to hear no.”

“Be careful turn me down and you might regret it. You might not ever get another chance.”

“Bossy, we both know that is highly unlikely.”

“Your mouth and your ego might get you in trouble.”

“Bossy, you are my best friend, my queen and I don’t just love you. I fucking love you and I am not worried about the future. It has nothing to do with ego.”

Bossy watched Pushy zip his pants and reach for his shoes.

“Pushy, what are you doing and why do you say that?”

“Hah, I can see the wheels spinning in your head.”

“Answer the question. I don’t like when you play games with me.”

“Bossy, I am not playing games. I take everything with you one day at a time. Maybe my heart is a liar but it always tells me you don’t just love me, you like me and that is the difference. It is not just about love. It is not just lust. Like is the difference. It is knowing that if you could you would start and finish your day with me and I with you.

You are not a piece of meat to me and I am not going to just do it because you think I need it.”

Her eyes narrowed.

“You are trying to figure out if I am playing a game here. You are wondering what I am trying to do. Well, there is no game. I told you what I think and what I feel. I love you. You need to here that while I am standing in the corner of the room and your legs aren’t wrapped around me.”

“I am not asking you to give yourself to me.”

“Yes, you are. I am not buying it.”

“Can I make love to you now?”

“I told you that you could. But I am still not buying it.”

“Yes you are and that is what bothers you. You can’t keep the wall up. You can’t keep your distance. You don’t stay angry with me any more than I do with you.”

Later on she’d smile and tell him that sometimes he made her crazy because he really did get her and that it was frustrating that the distance couldn’t be bridged.

“It can’t be bridged today. Neither one of us want a long distance relationship. Today it won’t work and that is ok because it is today.”

‘This talk about the future is stressful.”

“Bossy, I haven’t asked you to do anything. I am not worried about the future. I am focused on today. The future will come when it comes and I’ll make decisions based upon how things look then. We can only plan so far in advance and then it becomes futile. Things will unfold as they will and we’ll see what happens then.”

“Why does it still feel like you are being pushy?”

“Because my hands are wrapped in your hair?”

“You know what I mean.”

(wrote this draft in about 15 minutes yesterday but didn’t publish it. Wasn’t going to because I didn’t like it, rhythm and flow are odd. publishing it now because I have an idea for how to use it later.)

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Some Music For Later

Give Into Me (Country Strong)

Picture – Kid Rock ft. Sheryl Crow

God Only Knows– The Beach Boys

Wouldn’t It Be Nice– The Beach Boys

A Day in the Life– The Beatles

You got to hide your love away‘-The Beatles

While My Guitar Gently Weeps-The Beatles

Gimme Shelter– The Rolling Stones

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face– Roberta Flack

I like this version better.

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