Whole Lotta Love

She told him that she would love him forever and he said he would hold her to it.

“That is ok, I like when you hold me.”

Many years later she called him crazy and told him to get lost but he didn’t just go away. He persisted.

She asked why and he said, “you are pretty decent in bed.”

That irked her because no one wants to hear they are decent in bed, especially when they know they aren’t.

But it made her wonder, did he really think she was just decent or was it just a trick to get her pants off.

She didn’t want to ask because he would say something like it would work for a dress or skirt too.

Truth was they made each other crazy and she began to wonder what would happen if he really disappeared the way he said he could.

She had never really believed it, but you never knew with him. Sometimes he could be exceptionally stubborn and would do things just because others said not to.

It reminded her of the time he said that whenever she thought of him he was thinking of her too.

And then she heard him say he wanted to kiss her as if one kiss would make her tear off her skirt and let him ravish her.

Well, he had said he wanted to dominate her and she had wanted to submit, but only if it was done in precisely the right way.

Other ways made him more annoying and less sexy. He ought to understand that.

Back in the male side of things he thought about calling her and saying he was done with this crap, “you are going to sleep with me because we both want it and we’ll figure out how to work it out.”

That made her happy and angry simultaneously and she didn’t know what to do about it.

He said stop thinking and just give in. Relent and relax, it is going to be ok unless love is dead and destiny is a myth.

Sometimes the practical ideas made no sense and the things you wanted most happened even though they were crazy.

Truth is stranger than fiction and girls are nuts or so the prophets wrote on the subway walls.

Maybe love conquers all or maybe all conquers love.

Hell if anyone knew or understood anything.

He sure didn’t, so he just sat on the floor and unpacked boxes. One big house surrounding him and his stuff.

All those rooms and no one but him.


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Grab My Hips

“Honey, we need a code for alone time.”

He looked at her and asked what she was talking about.

“Are you really that dense? Sometimes you need me and sometimes I need you but we might not be in a place where I can just say something.”

He shook his head and asked why not.

“Because I am not going to say come take me, fuck me, grab me or anything that direct in public.”

“Since when did you become so shy.”

She rolled her eyes and told him to stop acting dumb.

“My mother isn’t stupid but she doesn’t need to know our business any more than anyone else does.

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips and pull your hair. That ought to make it clear.”

“You better not do that in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I won’t do it.”

“No, you better do it, just not in front of my mother.”

“Ok, I’ll grab your hips but I won’t grab your hair.”

“You are impossible. You are lucky I love you.”

“No, you are lucky I love you and put up with your nonsense. Just take my hand squeeze it and I’ll know my liberated woman has needs I must take care of. Ought to be fun wearing you out.”

“You’ll never wear me out.”

“It ought to be fun finding out if that it is true, especially since you are so much older than I am.”

“I am not even a year older than you are.”

“Ok cougar lady, just relax. I need you calm for later on. Don’t want you to pull a muscle or hurt yourself proving you can wear me out.”

“You know, you are a real pain-in-my-ass.”

“And you love me for it. Now come sit on my lap and let’s talk about the first thing that pops up.”

“That is so cheesy.”

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Just Say No

He stopped packing long enough to look at the papers that had fallen out of the box he was carrying.

“Darling, if you ever say no to me I might not let you into my bed again.”

“Sweetheart, when I say no you will work twice as hard to get me into OUR bed again.”

“Baby, that sounds like some silly game. Don’t do that. You know I have to touch you.”

“I have to do more than touch you, but every now and then you need to remember I am not just a piece of meat. I am a man, I have feelings.”

“I’ll take those feelings and make them feel soooo good.”

“You know as soon as get home I am going to tear your clothes off.”

“Why wait until we get home. Meet me in the bathroom.”

He remembered the party they had been at but not how they had started writing the note back and forth.

And he remembered the bathroom and the skirt she had worn. Thank god for skirts.


He put the note back in the box and made a point not to go through it because he knew he wouldn’t be happy.

This was the box with the notes that said they were best friends and lovers forever. The place where the promises were memorialized and looking at it would give him hope, make him sad and make him angry.

That wasn’t a good combination.

He had too much going on to wonder about the future or to wrestle again with throwing out the box.

Part of him wanted to. It made sense.

But he had refused because a voice inside his head said it would be wrong and that he would be sorry.

He supposed it was because he knew the only way to stay angry with her was to make a list or do things to force the issue.

That wasn’t how he operated, that was how she did.

He wondered if she ever closed her eyes and saw him looking back at her the way it sometimes happened for him.

He figured it did because regardless of what was said they were different and they had one of those connections of that much he was certain.

Didn’t matter because unless he opened her eyes and looked through her heart things would be as they were.

Less complicated and easier in many ways, but with potential that might always leave them wondering what if.

“Damn woman, sometimes I don’t know which of us is crazier.”

He put the box on the truck and went back to working on the stuff that was right in front of him. If it is meant to be it will happen and if not, well that last memory was one of many that made him smile.

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Long ago he told her one day he would write songs, stories and poems about their life together and apart.

He said there was a deep connection that was never severed as completely as they might have hoped and that this was good and bad.

Because it meant that even when they were apart they wanted to be together. Even when they were convinced the smartest thing they could do was go their separate ways.

There was always a magnetic pull.

Once she told him she wasn’t sure what to make of him because she was certain he just wanted to get laid.

“Your focus is on getting off and you don’t care how you do it with me as long as I let you do it. You don’t care whether I really want to and you push because you figure eventually you’ll wear me down into saying yes. Is that really what you want.”

He told her he didn’t believe she would just give it up unless she wanted to.

“I watch you closely. I listen to your breathing and to your heart. When you are with me you are always WITH me as I am with you. I know the difference when you melt into me and when you flee.”

She rolled her eyes at him.

“You can be with another and not be present, but not me. It is not just physical. It is not just sex and I’d be happy to prove it. Give yourself to me and we’ll find that place we only reach together. The electric shock is always there…in a good way.”

He remembered feeling her wrap her legs around him and the tlook in her eyes.  She stared at him, watched him, occasionally kissing his neck or his mouth.

She was lost and so was he.

They were lost.

That was a long, long time ago.

Sometimes he thought it was so long that it could never happen again but his heart never believed that.

The question was never could it happen it again but should and would.

Should and would was always it.

Should he try to convince her.

Would she agree.

Or should she try to make him pursue her and would he agree.

In his heart he always believed they were better and stronger together but there was no telling if that could or would ever happen.

Sometimes he swore he could feel her in his arms. Sometimes he would wake up and swear she had been touching him.

And everytime it happened he kept it to himself, no sense making people think he was crazy.

But he wondered if she ever felt it thought about it.

Wondered if they were trapped on an island how long it would take before they would act like something more than strangers.

In public he never mentioned it or talked about it because it was easier to protect his heart. Maybe she was doing the same or maybe she wasn’t.

Didn’t matter to him what was what because he believed in this instance circumstance would provide an opportunity or it wouldn’t.

Meant to be would make it happen or see that it didn’t.

One step towards the future, whether together or apart was immaterial because you could only go forward, back was impossible.

Still, the idea of feeling her in his arms, wrapped around or underneath him made him smile because it felt natural. Nothing forced or fake about it.



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Her Hips Don’t Lie

I grabbed her hips as I passed by and laugh as I feel her stiffen up.

She hisses something that doesn’t sound like encouragement at me and I grab a handful of hair and tug lightly.

This time I recognize her words and know they aren’t being said with love and affection but we’re pretending to be kids so this is just part of a dumb game.

In a short time she’ll tell me she hates me and I’ll call her crazy.

We’ll go back and forth for a bit and then after we hurt each other we’ll wind up in bed and apologize for our bad behavior.

“I am so sorry honey. I love you and it hurt to be in that other place without you.”

“I love you too. Let’s not fight again.”

“Does this mean you’ll give me a blow job every day?”

“Of course, it is my 3rd favorite thing to do in the world and I love making you happy.”

Cue sappy music, lovey-dovey faces and fade to black.

Roll thunder and lightning and raise curtain.

Bloody bodies lie on the floor and you can almost hear the echo of their screams.

Way off in the distance show two people walking near each other, but make it hard to figure out if they are close enough to be holding hands or far apart because they are armed with rifles.


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Don’t Say That

“So you think telling her I want to bend her over the couch is a bad idea?”

I don’t have to see her face to know her eyes are rolling.

“If you want to piss her off and push her away you can tell her that you want to pull her skirt up and do her on her driveway, but I don’t think you really want to do that.”

“That is not a bad idea, but I think I already told her that once. I definitely told her I wanted to bed her over the couch and she said it sounded great. Hell, she told me I could do whatever I wanted and she would be happy.”

There is a deep sigh followed by, “men are idiots and you might be dumber than most. She meant all those things when she said them but that was a different time. Deal with the present.”

“So asking for a blow job or a quickie on an imitation Hallmark card is out. What happens if I preface by saying I think you are beautiful and sexy.”

“Are you determined to be a jerk or does it come naturally?”

“It is natural and it is not my fault she is being a pain-in-my-ass or that she follows the typical female double standard. Believe me if the situation was reversed she would be less forgiving of my silence.”

“Ok, you are an idiot and a jerk. If you don’t get her to have a real conversation with you this will never change. Trust me, I am a woman and I understand how we think.”

“Nobody understands how you think, not even you and I am tired of hearing all the things woman want and how men should do them. I ought to call her and tell her I am tired of her shit and it is time for her to suck it up and talk.”

“I wouldn’t suggest that approach and if I did, well don’t say ‘suck it up’ she’ll think you are trying to figure out how to get in her pants and be more guarded.”

“Wait a minute, didn’t you say she is going to assume that I am trying to get in her pants anyway?”

“Yes, but you want her to think you are doing that because you are madly in love with her and not because you need to get laid.”

“Dammit, this confuses the hell out of me. If the thinks I just want to get laid she may sleep with me because she wants to get laid to and it is just sex. But if she thinks I am in love with her she may not sleep with me even though she wants to get laid because she doesn’t want complications.

So I am supposed to somehow get her to talk to me, make her aware of her feelings for me and then hope that she chooses to follow and not ignore them. That is assuming she still has feelings and they aren’t gone, because they could be gone.

‘This isn’t helpful, but I promise she still loves you and has warm feelings for you, but is she in love with you, well that might not be. Hell, she could be and not realize it, especially if you keep pissing her off and pushing her away with those stupid comments.”


“What the hell was that loud noise. Please tell me you didn’t throw the phone.”

“I didn’t throw the phone, I threw something else and yelled something about wishing I was gay.”

‘You don’t wish you were gay.”

“Maybe I do, maybe you just don’t want more competition for men because you know I’d be a better lover than you. Trust me, I am a man and I know what men like.”

“I trust that you are an idiot. Just tell her how you feel and let it go. If it is meant to be it will happen when it is meant to happen and if not, move on.”

“You ought to write Dr. Laura and tell her you are going to take her job. You can be Dr. Sally. The world needs another fake woman shrink.”

There was a long sigh followed by another comment about men.

“You know there is one good thing about men. You’re good for moving things. I need you to meet me at Costco. I am going to buy a couch and you are going to help move it.”

“Yeah sure, why not. Might as well get some exercise.”


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Back At BJs

He sat down at the bar, grabbed a drink and watched the baseball game on television.

Over to his left two women dissected their lives in great detail, each one giving the other 25 minutes to share all of the important minutiae with the other.

“Sometimes I think about him and wonder what he is up to but I would never call him because I don’t want to give him the wrong idea.”

Her girlfriend laughed and called her a liar.

“You totally would sleep with him again. You can’t fool me. We’re too old to play games, just admit it.”

The other smiled and said she might.

The conversation would have continued but they had caught him listening and the one looked at him and started quizzing him.

“Would you sleep with an ex  and if so, would you think she was desperate or still in love with you?”

He smiled and said he wouldn’t waste time wondering about either. If I chose to sleep with her it would be because I wanted to and not because I wondered if she was desperate or still in love.

“Men can put it anywhere.”

He shook his head and said that wasn’t really true.

“I don’t know if I agree, the men I know aren’t as principled as you are. So, is there an ex meets your high standards?”

He nodded his head and said there was, “I don’t know if it will ever happen because we seem to do this ridiculous circle dance where you never walk away and you never get together.”

The blond nodded and said she understood, that happens in really intense relationships. She probably doesn’t know what to do about you so she makes up reasons to be angry or stay away from you.

He nodded his head. “The funny thing is I know if she actually spent time with me I could talk my way right back into her world. Of course if I said the wrong thing I could talk myself right out of it too.”

The blond nodded, “That is true. What would you say to her?”

“I want to covfefe you.”

The blond shook her head, “you better hope she finds that funny because she might think it is stupid and you’ll be going home alone.”

“Hell, there is no telling what the right or wrong thing is. There was a time I could have said anything and her clothes would have been off before I could finish and a time where I could promised her the world, said I was always wrong and begged and discovered 19 padlocks around prime areas.

So I don’t do a damn thing except be honest with myself about how I feel and live my life. If she is meant to be she will be and if not, well it it makes no difference then huh.

Two hours and three drinks later he had moved into their booth and decided he wanted to go find a cave.

“Life sucks and not in the way I like so it is time to go rest.

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Better To Love Or Not Love

Love is an odd beast whose appearance and disappearance is never as easy nor as predictable as we might like.

You don’t always recognize its coming or going until after you are in or out of it.

And sometimes when you are in it you want to get out of it because it sounds, seems or looks simpler and easier.

But it is never that simple or that easy.

You love who you love and sometimes there is no real killing it. At best it is like a fire whose intensity you can turn way down, but know that it can turn back up in a hurry.

That is why some people keep their distance, because they know it is unpredictable and far too easy for that dial to spin from simmer to blaze.

Makes life kind of interesting, now doesn’t it and not always in the best way,  but sometimes…

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Nothing Makes Sense

He was somewhere between Whiskey Lullaby and Ho Hey heading towards trying to find some 70s or classic rock piece that would help make sense of things when the images flashed through his head.

They were lying in bed together, on their left sides, spooning, “where are you? Come closer?”

He smiled and acquiesed.

“I need to feel you against me, your arms around me.”

“They are always there, even when I am not.”

He wrapped her fingers in his and pulled their hands up, kissed it and sighed.


She asked him why he kept staring and he told her she was beautiful and that he couldn’t get enough of her.

“I have to warn you, I don’t think I can stop touching you.”

She smiled and told him it didn’t matter, “you have all of me forever and I’ll never say no to you.”


There were other images, flashes of memories where she told him she’d never forgive him for not finding her sooner and his words, “you know I’d fight the armies of hell and whomever else got in my way to get back to you. Sounds kind of ridiculous and stalkerish, doesn’t it.”

She just smiled and kissed him.


He looked up at the sky and smiled back at the sun he figured was smiling down upon him.

“People say things and they change their mind. Sometimes they don’t mean it and sometimes they do. People fall in and out of love. Sometimes they love the wrong person or have love at the wrong time and you just have to move on.”

He waited for lightning to strike the earth, the sound of angelic trumpets or some sort of divine response to his comment but heard nothing and shrugged his shoulders and kept walking.

“You did your best, all that you could do and it didn’t work the way you hoped. There is no shame in that.”

This time his words were met with the sound of a large truck rolling past him on the highway.

It didn’t stop and neither did he.

He figured he had walked about three miles or so from where his car had broken down and that he probably had another four to go before he would come upon civilization.

It was fitting, the car breaking down like that. Everything about his old life was crumbling around him and he took that as a sign that he was supposed to let go of it all.

Everything about his old life was crumbling around him and he took that as a sign that he was supposed to let go of it all.

Let go of what was and try not to make himself crazy asking questions of people that weren’t around to speak and or might not be honest with what they had to say.

Part of him preferred it that way because he was really angry and didn’t trust himself not to unload upon them.

And part of him feared that if he got the opportunity the anger would drain away and instead of yelling he would mumble something about how desperately he wanted to tell them what was really going on, about how he didn’t know how he kept going and he didn’t want to be vulnerable like that.

It was easier to be silent and to keep pushing forward.

“It sounds like life is a mess and in some ways it is, but fuck, it is getting really close to being really great too. I am just faking it all, like everyone else.”

A little bit further down the road he found a semi-deflated ball and started kicking it.

Dancing around it like a professional soccer player, he feinted left and then went right.


That was how he entertained himself the next few miles and then he came upon a little gas station with a store where the lady behind the counter sold him a Coke and said that “god loved him.”

He just nodded his head and she told him not to worry because god would take care of him and his family.

And then he got another flash and memories showed up again.


“We’re family now, inextricably connected forever.”

“That’s what you said then, but not how you are acting now. Now I am just a stranger, someone you once knew. I told you I could walk away and that I would. You said you would never let me, but you pushed me away.

I didn’t know whether to believe, fight or ignore you so I stayed silent and just set about living my life. Figured you were the biggest surprise of my life and that if things are/were meant to be they would change and if not, well it made for mostly good memories”

Again there were no responses from the sky, no claps of thunder or angels in the road.

So he kept walking, occasionally pausing to take another sip. The tow truck driver had offered to meet him at the station and drive him back to the car but he had said no.

The tow truck driver had offered to meet him at the station and drive him back to the car but he had said no.

He liked walking. It helped clear his head and he used the time to start mapping out how to take care of the projects he had.

There was furniture to build and a list of tools and supplies to be made. Alongside the furniture there was an old car, a ’67 Camaro that he could rebuild and restore or just junk.

The car was a serious project. It was the kind of thing he loved and could get lost in, but it was also the kind of thing that could suck money out of his wallet in a hurry.

But that wasn’t necessarily enough of a reason not to take it on. It required thought and time working with his hands and would provide a serious sense of accomplishment.

That was the kind of reward you couldn’t get any other way and he loved the way it felt to work for something worthwhile.

Back at the car he found the tow truck driver waiting for him.

“Did you have all four tires when you left the car?”


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Walk Away

Sometimes the best and smartest thing to do is walk away.

Don’t look back, don’t turn your head and don’t ask questions. Just walk from the present into the future.

The past is behind you for a reason and anyone who doesn’t come forward with you is missing out.

It is not your job to worry or wonder about them. Just walk away and let go.

Better things are ahead.

He read the note and smiled, remembering having written it.

It was the rule he lived by and it had very few exceptions. The older he got, the easier it was to follow.

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