Saddle Up- Writing, Ranches & Relationships Revisited

“I still can’t believe you moved back and didn’t tell me you were coming. What the hell were you thinking?”

“Baby, we all fight different battles. I don’t know all of the ones you fought but I hope you’ll share those stories with me because what happens to you happens to me. But during the time when I was gone things went to hell for me and I went through some very dark, difficult and hard moments.”

She watched him stare off into space and when he put his face into his hands she rubbed his head and said nothing. A moment of silence extended into something longer but still she waited for him to speak.

“Men are socialized to be providers. We are taught that you take care of your family and when something interrupts your ability to do so you do your best to change it, except some times it doesn’t change as quickly as you want it to and you feel like you have fallen down the rabbit hole and nothing makes sense.

It makes you question yourself and you start to wonder if maybe something is wrong with you and you are just too close to see it. Makes you question every part of who you are and that is when you realize that even though you haven’t given a damn what society thinks society still got to you. You realize that right or wrong some of your self worth is tied up in doing what is expected.”

“Honey, you are being too hard on yourself, corporate America is a bust and it has been for years.”

“Maybe I am, doesn’t matter because I had to look inwards and at myself. Right or wrong I couldn’t blame it all on someone else. But I figured it out.”

She smiled and asked him how.

“I looked in the mirror and told my reflection to ‘saddle up.'”

She rolled her eyes and asked if he always had to use that ‘macho crap.’

“Baby, when you are up against you will do whatever you can to pump yourself back up into believing that you’ll find a way out. So I did what I had to do.”

He walked over to the desk and grabbed a Post- Note.

“This quote is one of mantras and something that I have lived by for a long time. It is a big part of how I got through it all.

“It is not enough that we do our best; sometimes we must do what is required.”― Winston S. Churchill

“I like that but none of that answers my question. How could you move back without saying something to me?”

” I guess there are two parts here.

There are about five people in the world whose opinion about me matters and you are one of them. I didn’t want you to see me as a screw up and I felt like I needed to square some things in my world first.

A while back I heard this expression that is what is meant for you won’t go past you and I thought it made sense for us.”

She shook her head at him and made a face.

“Sometimes you make me crazy. I don’t believe in any of that destiny stuff. How could you risk us on that? And I don’t think of you as a screw up, you know I have always loved you for you are. Corporate America is a bust.”

This time he laughed.

“I didn’t risk ‘us’ on a bunch of ‘woo woo’ stuff or anything that isn’t scientific. We are here aren’t we.”

She started to answer but he asked her to let him finish.

“I could give you the standard answer about how unexpected finding each other was and how many ways we defy what could have or should have happened but I won’t. Because the thing is I didn’t wait to see if that statement was true.

I worked my ass off to get to where I am at, to buy this house and have a new life. I danced in the fire covered in gasoline and kept going so that I would reach a point where I felt not just secure about where I was but good. The plan was to contact you soon.  I didn’t expect that we would run into each other at the store, that sort of threw my plan off.”

Her eyes narrowed, “oh, so you just happened to show up at a place you know I shop at regularly.”

“No, I just happened to be at a place millions of people shop regularly during the business day. Who knew that you would happen to not only show up at the same time but park your car two down from mine.”

She smiled and told him his story sounded awfully suspicious.

He laughed and told her it wasn’t.

“I never drove by your house before and I still haven’t.”

“That is a likely story.”

“Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. Or maybe there is more truth to what is meant for you won’t go past you than we thought.”

Protecting His Heart

One day she asked him if he remembered how he said he was going to protect his heart and he said yes.

“What happened to my tough guy, where was the hard ass who made me fall in love with him?”

He looked up and at her eyes and when he saw she was serious he smiled.

“That guy tried to stick around. He copied someone we both know and made a list of reasons why he should stay away and then he didn’t. Didn’t stay angry, didn’t stay away, he just didn’t…”

This time she watched his eyes and saw he wasn’t messing with her. It was a real response.

“But baby, what would have happened if you hadn’t chased me? What would have happened if you hadn’t ignored me and had just let me go?”

“Oh I let you go many times, the same way you let me go. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to just hang around waiting to see if you would change your mind. I said I would pay attention to what you did and if you did things that proved you were serious about there never being a future I would walk.”

Her eyes widened and narrowed and for a moment she was silent. When she realized how hard he was staring at her she blushed.

“Sometimes you see right through me, it makes me uncomfortable.”

He laughed.

“We see through each other. I told you a million times that there is something else here. I stopped trying to explain or control it, I just sort of go with it. Reminds me of sailing and the way the ocean moves the boat. You can’t stop the water from doing what it is going to do but you can try to manage it.

We were always happier when we were in contact than when we weren’t. I always knew that and I was certain that if I made it clear that you could contact me you would but that I wasn’t going to just chase you when you were so distracted.”

“Oh and you weren’t ever distracted now were you.”

He rolled his eyes at her and laughed.

“We had our moments but we always found our way. It is impossible not to notice that someone out there seems to be the sole person you can’t stay angry with and that they fill the empty spaces.

*****

That conversation had taken place so long ago it was hard to remember that it had really happened. She had asked him if they were addicted to each other again and had told him they were inextricably linked and yet they were apart.

He shrugged his shoulders and went about his business. There were a million things to do before the sun went down and he had to attend to other responsibilities.

Yet every time he looked out of his window he saw an early rising moon sitting in the late afternoon sky. They had always talked about the moon being theirs and truth was that when he saw it he almost always thought of her but it was rare those thoughts came during the day.

And yet now the sky was filled with both the sun and the moon. Two celestial objects that were similar yet different, not quite the same as men and women but…

For a moment he thought about her and wondered what she was doing. Been a long time since they had a real conversation. That hadn’t been his choice but he figured he wasn’t going to spend time chasing her. He was done with that and then he snorted.

Even he didn’t completely believe that but he wasn’t going to volunteer that to her. Just in case he was wrong he needed to protect his heart.

Still under a sky in which the moon and sun were neighbors it was hard not to believe that there was some magic left in the world.

And as we walked back inside he heard some whispering in the wind and though he knew immediately what it was he heard he filed it away for there was work to be done and that sort of thought was best saved for the night.

What I Would Say

(I wrote this in 2010, not sure if I ever shared it here.)

 

A man sits in the corner of a coffee shop and closes his eyes. His cup is half full but not in the philosophical sense of the word.  His life is good, rich and full of love and meaning. Ear buds extend from his computer into his ears and one can only guess what it is that he is listening to. His head bobs back and forth and a soft smile flashes across his face.

It is not clear whether his solitude is self imposed or if he is waiting for someone. At least these are the thoughts and feelings that I have gathered from a brief glance at his corner of the room. As an avid people watcher and story teller I can’t help but look and wonder. It is part of my process- that is the fancy term I use for how I develop characters and story lines for my books.

I head out into the world and set up a place to sit and watch. I stare at the people around me and develop the stories of their lives. The woman standing in line in front of me has a story. She is in her early forties and recently divorced. A mother of children who are about the same age as my own she is busy trying to feel her way in the world. She is not who she was and isn’t really sure of who she wants to be.

Can’t tell you whether any of this is true- but I can make some fairly accurate guesses. I am facing the door so I saw her park a minivan. She is not wearing a wedding ring on her finger and it is early evening. Not to play on stereotypes, but this would be the “right” time for her to be making dinner and or helping with homework. There is no sense of urgency about her so I am guessing that she doesn’t have the kids tonight.

I recognize the little key card on her key chain as belonging to one of the local gyms. Happens to be my gym, but I don’t recognize her. Although that doesn’t mean much as I try to hit the joint during the off hours.  Her back is to me and I wonder if she can feel me staring. I sometimes forget how intense my stare can be but I haven’t forgotten about the sort of response such a look can engender. A strange man staring sometimes receives a smile in return but not always.

I am not staring because I find her to be attractive although there is that. But her look reminds me very much of the girl that I lost. That woman from my past who made my heart pound and my soul stir. That is who she reminds me of. It brings a wistful smile across my face and I kind of snort as I picture talking to the lady grabbing coffee.

“Hi, you look like someone I loved very deeply. Would you mind talking to me so I can see if your voice sounds like her? And if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, let me stare at you for a moment.I want to figure out if my imagination is playing tricks on me or if you just happen to be her twin.”

That ought to go over well, as every woman wants a man to tell her that she reminds him of someone else. Might as well call her the wrong name in bed. If you are going to get in trouble go for broke.

The coffee lady stood there for another moment and then her order was completed and she moved over to fill her cup with cream, sugar or whatever it was that she took her drink with. I watched her for a moment longer and turned away. I had her story or enough of it and it wasn’t what I wanted. Or maybe it was that once I associated her with my past I couldn’t see a point in continuing.

It is one of those clever lies that we tell ourselves when something is too painful to continue. That lady from the past was one of the great loves of my life, if not the love of my life. And her absence from mine left a giant hole in my heart that hadn’t ever been filled. That’s not uncommon or unfamiliar to many of us.

We find people that we wish to spend our lives with and for whatever reason it doesn’t work and we end up with a smoking crater in the center of our chests. Sometimes that hole is filled by someone or something else and you move on- but not always.

Some people touch us in ways that others can’t. Sometimes they light up the entire of our being and fill us with joy. If you haven’t had that experience you won’t have a clue what I am talking about or why years later it would still be painful to touch upon that loss. To be clear it is not impossible to move on- even if you don’t find a way to fill the hole you do find ways to adapt and adjust.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds but it does make it possible to move on. The challenge is that sometimes you can’t help but find reminders of what was and those moments can set off thoughts and memories that you might not wish to visit.

When I look back on what happened to us I have a very clear understanding. She might tell you otherwise. She might tell you that I am engaged in revision but that is part of the joy of finding the truth because there is yours, hers and reality. And they don’t always intersect. But the joy of this tale is that I am the one writing it so I get to tell you what really happened.

And in my version I share the story of two people who loved each other fiercely. There was passion and there was love. But there was also friendship. It was the perfect recipe. Or if you prefer math you could say that the fractions added up to a whole. A third, plus a third, plus a third.

That friendship is important. They had the love. They had the passion that drove them to constantly want to touch each other. But the friendship was the glue. They became best friends who understood each other in ways that no other ever had. Come to think of it there might be reason to adjust that equation so that friendship plays a bigger part, but that is not really important now.

I could tell you about how she told him that it was tragic that two people who were meant to be together weren’t. I could tell you about it made his heart break to hear that and how he felt trapped. About how it made him feel like less of a man. It would be easy to relate the whole sordid tale about how something so good got so messy and convoluted.

Or maybe it would make more sense to share other thoughts. Because a day came when she declared them to be nothing more than friends. The girl who would giggle when she talked about bearing his children said that friendship was all they had.

Well I called bullshit on that. Said that I didn’t buy or believe it as it couldn’t be true. But she did all that she could to enforce that and there wasn’t much that I could to change it. I don’t believe that she truly believed it either, but I think that she tried real hard to convince herself of it. If I was an attorneyprosecuting this case I could supply evidence that shows how her actions contradicted her words- but again that is not the point.

By then the waters had gotten so muddy that neither one of us could see clearly. If we had been smarter we would have walked away much earlier than we did. Would have split up so that we would have time to gain the perspective that we had lost. But we didn’t and we didn’t because it hurt to be apart.

So we muddled on and did what we could to keep going. But the wheels on the bus had already broken and the damn thing had become impossible to steer. Little nicks, scrapes and bruises were what really did us in. The little things that we used to ignore pushed our hands right off of the wheel and we crashed into a wall or went off a cliff.

And in my anger I laid down an ultimatum that she ignored. So I decided that it was time to make it clear that though she owned my heart and soul I wouldn’t tolerate some things. I left that day. Walked away and did my best not to look back. Didn’t rant and rave. Didn’t tell her how angry and hurt I was. There were very few words.

I used to think that it was because I was so angry. I used to think that my silence came from simply not knowing what to say. But now I see it differently. I suppose that if you wanted to accuse me of revisionist thinking this would be the time. Because I see my silence now as a last ditch attempt to keep hope alive. I didn’t excoriate her the way that I wanted to because those were words that I never wanted to use. Words that couldn’t be taken back ever.

That was then and this is now. Years later I sit here in this coffee shop wondering about things left unsaid. Wondering if she has ever read any of my books and whether she ever thinks about me. Curious if sometimes in the quiet of the night she thinks about what we had and wonders where I am. So I sit here and I think about the mistakes I made and how that ache never has gone away.

It is disconcerting to have this go on for so long which is part of why I wonder about her. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am just some crazy idiot- but she did tell me that she couldn’t imagine a time where she wouldn’t feel like that either so who knows.

Can’t help but sit here for a moment and picture her. Can’t help but think about what I would say. Because I still believe that she wouldn’t see me because if she had she never would have been able to fool herself into believing this fiction. Things would have been tough. It might not have been easy, but when we were together nothing felt more real or more right.

I once told her that if we were separated for a decade or more my soul would always know hers. And that if those years passed all it would take for us to remember is that one kiss. One damn kiss and nothing was ever the same. It might sound silly, but I don’t think that I have ever stopped believing that there wouldn’t be another.

But that thought will have to wait a while. For now my liquid mistress needs my attention. This mug needs to filled with some liquid gold or I shall find myself lost in slumber.

Preserve Your Memories

The year was 1980 something and the lovely Anne Stacey had chosen to grace me with her presence. I had spent countless hours unsuccessfully wooing the woman. Cards, chocolate, flowers, and a barbershop quartet had all failed to do the trick but I couldn’t tell you why. All I knew was that the girl who had gone to prom with me had chosen to withdraw her favors and spend time with a man I dubbed the scoundrel. I once tried to tell her this and she suggested that my ill feelings towards him had to do with jealously. Now I won’t say that this is true but I admit to suggesting that if she hoped for more than simple companionship she might consider spending time at the produce market.

Apparently this is not advisable nor is suggesting that he would probably die in robbing a drug store for used condoms. Don’t ask me to explain why I said these things or what they mean because I won’t answer nor will I admit to wanting to give him the same treatment a flying clown once received from me. Women make men crazy and love just exacerbates the craziness we feel.

Weeks of rejection turned into months but I refused to give up. I can’t explain why other than to say that every time I saw her I heard music and it made me believe that one day she would dance with me again.

One day I sent her a card with some of the lyrics to Get Down Tonight by K.C. & The Sunshine Band.

“Baby, babe, let’s get together.
Honey, hon, me and you.
And do the things, ah, do the things
That we like to do.

Do a little dance, make a little love,
Get down tonight.
Do a little dance,
make a little love,
Get down tonight.”

P.S. Come over and find out if I really am a better cook than you are. I’ll make it worth your while.

I had been rejected so many times that I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was swimming down the river of denial but was pleasantly surprised to receive a telephone call from her asking why she should come. Needless to say I was nervous because I knew that the wrong words would result in another no. Yet something told me that it was time to be bold so I told her that I was going to pick her up at 10 am so that we could go to the farm to pick fresh fruits and vegetables for dinner. Two days later she walked out of her apartment and into my car.

For a few moments we drove in silence and listened to a mix tape that I had made for the occasion. Good old cassette tape technology, a soft hissing noise in the background accompanied us on our ride. The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, Joe Cocker and Springsteen serenaded us.

A short time later we arrived at the farm and began picking out the items we wanted for our meal. She made a crack about me making her work for her food and I said that remained to be seen. Every time she bent over to pick something up my eyes were drawn to her. I was completely entranced by her- not just because I thought that she was beautiful but because she was so very smart. I attribute my love for carrots to that day. Somewhere I have a picture of holding one close to her mouth, pretending to be Bugs Bunny.

And had anyone heard the music that played inside my head at the moment they would have heard Bookends.

“Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you”

 

(originally posted here)

Maybe We Shouldn’t See Each Other

“I don’t know if I can see you this time.”

When he didn’t answer she asked him if he was angry.

“I can’t see your face. Are you still there?”

She wasn’t sure if he grunted or mumbled but whatever noise he made was enough to confirm he was still there.

“You know I would but I don’t think it is a good idea for us to see each other. Can you please say something, it is not fair for you to be angry with me.”

“I am tempted to hang up the phone and then you can decide if I am angry or if we just have bad cell service.”

She waited another moment to see if that would encourage him to speak more but when he didn’t she began to get angry.

“What do you expect me to do. You didn’t give me any notice you were coming to town and I am not going to show up at your room at midnight. We are not 19 any more. You are not treating me well.”

“Hah! That is a joke. You are not upset with me. You are angry with yourself. I am not the one who is confused. I am not the one who runs hot and cold. I know exactly how and what things are. Today you’ll say maybe we shouldn’t see each other and when I get back on the plane you’ll send me a text telling me how disappointed you are that we didn’t.

I haven’t pushed you into saying or doing anything other than just be honest about everything. Doesn’t matter where we are because when we are in the same place our lips have this funny way of finding each other.”

She snorted.

“Only because you have this habit of insisting on kissing me.”

He laughed.

“If it makes you feel good to say that, by all means have at it. Just remember you have a habit of kissing me back. Not my fault if that leads to all sorts of interesting places. I blame you for being sexy and beautiful. Don’t roll your eyes at me, it is true.”

When he heard her sigh he exhaled and shook his head.

“You make me crazy. I am 8,000 years old, which of course is not quite as old as you but old enough that I am surprised someone can still throw me off kilter.”

He felt her smile through the phone, “you know how to kill a good compliment, don’t you. I am not sure I am any of those things any more.”

“I know what you are. Silly, goofy, illogical and irrational but none of that has ever made me stop loving you or love you less.”

“What are we going to do? I don’t like this.”

“Baby, we are going to take it one day at a time and not worry about things that are far away or that we have no control over. I can’t do much other promise that if you hold my hand and walk with me we can figure this out. I can also tell you that I am convinced that neither one of us enjoys being separated. It might be necessary now. It might be how things have to be…now but it doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.”

“I don’t know. I don’t like uncertainty.”

“Sweetheart, you can’t plan for everything. You can only try to manage the things that are within reach or eye shot. I am not asking you to commit to anything now. Do whatever makes you comfortable. If it made you feel better I’d give you a deadline and tell you I am going to walk if I don’t have an answer.”

She snorted again.

“Like that would happen.”

“See, you don’t believe I am going to just give up and go anywhere and I don’t believe you when you say there is no hope. This story is not over yet. If you can see me this week that is fine and if you can’t, well that is fine too. I understand.”

Cruising Down Rainbow Road

I remember making love to you that day. Your body was with me but your mind was elsewhere and I wondered if perhaps I wasn’t doing something right.

Things had never been like that before with us. I had experienced it with other women, had been there and known that they were planning out their day, thinking about laundry or something else while waiting for me to finish but never had that moment with you.

It made me angry and I thought about stopping but decided that would make me angrier and so I held on more tightly and was rougher. You were like a little rag doll in my arms and in the midst of the storm inside my head you looked up and smiled at me.

Disarmed and amazed it moved me into whatever place we occupy in the moment before completion and then lights exploded in my eyes.

Hours later you were gone and I was truly alone with my thoughts thinking about what had happened, thinking about twenty years before.

*****

“Johnny, can you do it again? Are you ready? Let’s try a different position. Can I do anything to help you baby?”

The guys had never said anything about girls liking sex like this. None of them had ever said a word to me about not being able to keep up, probably because it was embarrassing. We were supposed to be in control here. We were supposed to set the tone.

I wasn’t exactly upset about having a girlfriend who never said no and who was willing to do anything. It was kind of cool and even more fun because no one ever would have guessed she was like this.

Her hands pulled me back into bed, coaxed me to life and we went at it…again.

“Baby, that was five times. We need to set a new record!”

It was dark in the room but I didn’t need any lights to see the twinkle in her eyes or to hear the smile in her voice.

“June, you really don’t need to tell your friends everything do you?”

She giggled, “I don’t tell them everything.” Her voice trailed off and I felt her trying to make things happen again.

“I am tired. Let’s go again in the morning.”

She laughed again, “he is not tired and neither are you. We can sleep later and I promise I’ll make it worth your while. You tell me how you want this and we’ll do it.”

*****

“Johnny, I am not that flexible anymore, be gentle.”

“I remember the girl who told me there would be time to rest later and I remember telling you that your words might haunt you later.”

She met the challenge handily and smiled at me.

“I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that this will be quick and that if you do what I want you can do what you want.”

She laughed, “you’re a man, it won’t take that long.”

It wasn’t a taunt or a dig and it was said with love but I was determined to make her understand that I was different.

*****

Different was the appropriate word because neither one of us were who we had once been. Many years had passed between then and now and time had taken its pound of flesh.

The obvious part was easy to see as our bodies and faces didn’t look like they had. There had been some moments that would have horrified the younger versions of us. No one had ever expected that age would force us to adjust some things but back then we wouldn’t have understood how it wouldn’t bother us now.

Back then love was wild, unfettered and free.

No responsibilities to others. No reason to ever think about anything but the moment because the moments were part of an endless rainbow road.

But time had taught us differently and we had been captured within its limitations.

*****

“I want a plan. I want to know what happens now. Tell me how this works.”

I smiled and kissed her.

“I am not that girl. You can’t just take me to bed and expect me to sleep with you. I expect some answers.”

I smiled again and kissed her. For a moment her lips were hard against mine, “I don’t care if you participate now or not because I will have you.”

She kissed me back, “don’t think that you aren’t going to answer me mister.”

I stopped kissing her and walked across the room.

“What do you think you are doing? You don’t get to start things and then stop.”

She pulled me back to my feet and wrapped her arms around my neck.”

“We are going to do this and you are going to answer my questions.”

Laughter bubbled out of me and I flashed a wicked smile.

“Oh no, I am not doing that. It is not going to happen.

I sat back down and smiled again.

“You are not the boss here, I am.”

I laughed again and pulled her onto my lap.

“I am the boss and if you don’t ask it won’t happen.”

She rolled her eyes at me, “Baby, will you make love to me?”

“Of course I will.”

I surprised her by picking her up in my arms and carrying her to the bedroom.

“If you say one word about being too heavy or hurting my back I will say you are right,so  don’t.”

She smiled again and I saw a familiar twinkle in her eyes.

*****

“Johnny, I am waiting for you to tell me what is different about now and how this is going to work.”

I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.

“Baby, we are cruising down Rainbow Road now. I can’t give you every detail but I can tell you that our history proves we can figure it out. Heaven and earth moved for us to have this moment. That is not a line. I don’t need any to have you, but you know that. Close your eyes and you will see my eyes staring back at you.”

“Johnny, that doesn’t answer the question.”

“Yes it does. This happened. It came out of the blue, unexpected and unseen but definitely wanted. This moment is how I know. We are not done, we are just in some sort of transition.  For years you refused to have anything to do with me, wouldn’t take my calls, answer my emails or even acknowledge I was alive.

This proves everything.”

Fade To Black

“If “Happy Ever After” did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of shit
One more fucking love song, I’ll be sick.
Now I’m at a payphone…”

I tried to eat my gun. Stuck it in my mouth and tried to figure out the angle because you don’t want to mess this up. Pull the trigger, end the madness and fade to black is the only way I want this to end.

Can’t risk messing this up, failure isn’t something I can live with.

That is kind of funny in an odd sort of way. Can’t live with things the way they are now, why would I worry about that future. Someone told me it makes no sense to give up when you are healthy. They said if everything works than there is always a chance, an opportunity to fix the things that are broken.

They said that suicide is selfish and painful to all who are left behind. I wanted to tell them it was more selfish to ask me to stick around. I rip open my chest so they could see the gaping hole where my heart was torn out because maybe they would see the cancer inside and figure out how to destroy it.

But I didn’t because they wouldn’t really understand, couldn’t really understand what black and empty feels like or how a broken brain doesn’t work the way it should. How it is so fucked up inside I can’t see clearly and don’t remember a time when I could.

Death holds no fear for me. That Grim Reaper doesn’t frighten me nor does the thought of what might happen to my immortal soul because I know I don’t have one. It is a myth, a childish dream that people tell themselves and others so they feel better about what happens when they go to take their eternal dirt nap.

But I know better. There ain’t shit after life and since life is shit I got no reason to force feed it to myself. Got no reason to let these people rape me. Yeah, I know some people say I don’t get it, that my anus is intact and that if something hard, barbed and sharp was jammed up there I might feel differently, but they don’t get it either.

You  can’t take drugs to fix what broke inside of me. You can’t heal what doesn’t exist. Broken beyond belief is what they would say, if they were truly honest.

So what is selfish is asking me to hang around when I got nothing, am nothing, will be nothing. Selfish is what you call those who try to scare me with talk about some horned supernatural creature.

Death won’t fix what is broken but it won’t hurt no more either so death is where I got to go.

Fear of dying isn’t what has stopped my hand, just fear of fucking it up and surviving what I do to myself. That is what scares me, being trapped longer inside this broken vessel.

I’d say it was fun, but it wasn’t. Won’t say goodbye either because I don’t like those either. Just taking time to slip out the back and then slip away,

From Darkness To Light

Johnny closed his eyes and did nothing but listen to June talk. He was tempted to confess his attention wasn’t completely focused on her story but it was on her voice and that was sometimes the most critical thing.

She wouldn’t appreciate hearing that, it was the type of thing that would get him in trouble. But he knew that she would get it. He knew that she would appreciate that he was lost in his world but that he wasn’t so far gone as to not be concerned with hers.

That was because he had always been good at figuring out her mood from her voice. He understood her in ways that no one else ever had.

For a long time she had rolled her eyes any time he had mentioned it. That was because she knew that men would say things that they thought women liked to hear. She had figured it was just some ridiculous line he used because he thought it would make her amenable to his advances.

But when she tested him he proved he was right.

Of course she never told him that she was doing it. It was one thing to be honest and another thing to let him know something that he would never let her live down. He would tease her incessantly and for the rest of her life she would have to listen to it.

++++++

Johnny smiled again.

That moment could have been the story from a million years ago. That could have been from the days when June and he talked about what to name their children and laughed about how the other couples would hate them. Not because they were bad people but because they knew 20, 30, 50 years into their marriage they would be as in love as in the beginning. They would be the senior citizens who didn’t understand the sexless marriage because it never happened to them.

It would be something they couldn’t quite understand and yet one day they would.

They would figure it out because it would happen to them except with other people. It would come after the monstrous fights that destroyed things between them. It would come after they thought they had lost it all and had gone their separate ways.

++++++

Except something had happened. After things had fallen apart and they had gone their separate ways and had learned that it could happen to them, well somehow they had reconnected. After they had looked at the ashes of marriages to others they had started talking.

Unsought and unseen it had snuck up on them…again.

An accidental meeting at a party and a short conversation had led to an agreement to meet for coffee.

It felt comfortable from the start but they had restrained themselves, cautious about running in too soon, no rebounding with or for each other.

June had told him she didn’t have it in her to be more than friends. She had said she wanted a simple life, told him that she wasn’t playing hard to get. It wasn’t a game, it was what she wanted.

He said ok and then she told him again that if she had to fight him off it would make her angry. He smiled and told her she was beautiful and said that he wanted to sleep with her but wouldn’t. Then he laughed, said he knew that threw her off guard.

“Don’t play games with me Johnny, I don’t like it.”

“I am not playing a game. You won’t admit most of what you really think or want here. You are living in a closet with a curtain pulled tightly across your eyes.”

She narrowed her eyes and the playful tone left her voice.

“What the hell does that mean.”

Johnny smiled again, “you hate when I do that.”

“Then why would you intentionally do it.”

“Because I am the best got damn lover you have ever had. I am your best friend and you trust me more deeply and intimately than any other man and you are scared. So I can take you any time I want. I can have you when I want. All I have to do is give you time to open your eyes or pin you against the refrigerator like good old Uncle Zelig once did.”

And then before she could answer he laughed and started talking again.

“See. I just made it harder for me too. I just pissed you off a little bit so that you would take a step back. Maybe you aren’t the only who is scared, or maybe you are. Fact is there is no rush. Sometimes I believe in meant to be and I am convinced this is one of those things. It will work or it won’t and if it is meant to be it doesn’t matter what I say now does it.”

“I don’t know if you are a fool or an arrogant asshole but I can promise you that you won’t see me naked any time soon. Sometimes the smart thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.”

“Yeah, you are right but that is not how I operate. It is not very romantic, but I think you are fucking beautiful and that when you take your head out of your ass you’ll realize that not everyone gets this. I don’t know what it is, but it is special and  it brought back a smile I had lost. Whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I crossed back from the darkness into light.”

I Am Dead Now

Midnight came and went and I heard the ghosts of the past rattle their chains at me. Closed my eyes and went to sleep while they shrieked, howled, groaned and moaned my direction, but didn’t give them the satisfaction of answering.

My silence was more powerful than anything I could have said and had more force than the best “go fuck yourself” a man can muster.

The next day they found me in the car, engine running, windows rolled up and a big grin on my face.

Peace at last.

+++++

I looked down at my body and watched friends and family stare at what remained. It was nothing more than a hollow shell that had once contained what they call a soul or a spirit.

The eyes were wide open but the light that had lit them was extinguished and the energy that once radiated from it was gone, but to where no one could say. Or at least that is what they had always told me.

Now I was going to find out if the nuns were right about my going directly to Hell.

I suppose if I ended up walking down some street in cleveland I would have to call Sister Madeline and tell her that her “great fear for my immortal soul” had come true. Wouldn’t that be a hoot.

Or maybe things would go a different direction and I would find out the yogis and there claim that all beings were nothing more than balls of cosmic energy was right. Maybe I would feel myself being torn into a million different pieces and particles of light to be scattered every which way around the world.

Hell, that might send me right back into all the places I had just tried to leave so maybe the joke was on me.

+++++

I didn’t leave a note or give a reason for doing what I did because I didn’t want to make it quick, clean and easy. Wasn’t trying to add any more pain to anyone else’s platter but I wanted to make it clear that people are complicated and there are multiple layers that no one can just peel away.

You can’t just look at a person and declare them to be happy, sad, angry or mad and expect that label to describe them in total. There is more. We are more.

But there wasn’t anyway to do so without being the selfish prick they already knew me to be so I acted as they expected by doing the unexpected.

Yeah, I am a real peach aren’t I.

+++++

The strange thing about looking down at myself and the people is that I still have this sense of time but I can’t figure out why. I shouldn’t be floating around here knowing that 17 hours 33 minutes have passed since I passed

At least I don’t think that is how it should be, but I haven’t been gone all that long. Or maybe this is part of being in Hell. Maybe Hell really is like being stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles waiting for your number to be called.

Sort of makes sense to me in an odd sort of way. Sort of fits, but I don’t really know if that is the case or not. Haven’t been dead long enough to figure out what sort of rules there are or if I am still supposed to retain any sort of consciousness about me.

Tried to get the attention of the people down below but they can’t see or hear me which isn’t all that different from real life. Sure, they could hear and see me then but no one reacted or paid attention to me then so this isn’t much different.

There is a female M.E. checking out my body now. Damn, it figures that she has me naked during the one time I can’t respond or react.

So the ghost version of me is trying really hard to get the old body to show her the sort of life that once flowed through all of me but the damn flag pole won’t raise and I don’t have the spook version of Viagra.

Can’t seem to get my voice to shout “Your hands are cold” or do much of anything.

Correction, it seems my body is capable of making some noises because Mr. Cool just released something from the wrong end. That is just wrong. I was told that after death your body releases whatever it was holding onto but I had thought it would have been done already.

Damn, I might as well stay dead now because resurrection at this point probably wouldn’t get me a date with her. Or maybe it would.

Someone who works with stiffs for a living might have an open mind.

“Hey baby, you brought me back to life. Why not see if you can bring the rest of me back?”

Might make a good story, or maybe not.